We know that going through a divorce is an incredibly difficult time, filled with emotional and financial challenges. One of the most significant decisions during this time is what to do with the house you shared. This can feel like a huge burden, especially when considering selling a place with so many memories. Selling a house because of a divorce is always hard.

If you want to reduce the burden of selling your property on the market, We Buy Any House can help. Having helped thousands of people in similar situations, they understand the complexities of selling a home during a divorce and can guide you through it, allowing you to move forward with ease.

Below, we detail the key decisions and steps involved and how prioritising open communication with your ex-partner can enable you to approach the sale of your property with the clarity and confidence to move forward.

Understanding the legal implications: Navigating joint property rights and legal obligations

Both spouses have equal rights and responsibilities when a house is jointly owned (often as tenants in common or joint tenants). This includes sharing the mortgage, property taxes, and any profits from the sale.

Consulting with a divorce lawyer familiar with property division will allow you to understand your rights and obligations regarding the house. They can advise you on factors such as your financial contributions during the marriage and any pre-nuptial agreements that may be in place.

Understanding your rights is advised before deciding on how to proceed with the house. This will give you a clear understanding of the likely outcome of any property sale should you choose to proceed down that route.

At this stage, you should also consider all financial commitments which you have together.

Joint financial commitments: Separating finances goes beyond the house.

Firstly, if you’ve got a joint bank account, you should contact your bank and let them know you are separating. They can put restrictions on the account, preventing either of you from increasing the overdraft or taking out large sums of money.

Mortgage and loan solutions: There are options for dealing with a joint mortgage.

You might refinance into separate loans, one spouse might assume the entire mortgage, or sometimes a sale may be necessary. A divorce lawyer will be familiar with these options and can help you understand the best course of action for you.

Deciding to sell or keep: Helping individuals make informed decisions based on their unique circumstances.

Having equipped yourself with the necessary information, the key decision to make is whether to sell or keep the house. If neither partner desires to remain in the house, selling it would be the most obvious option.

Speak to an estate agent to understand the value of your house and how much it will likely sell for. By looking at the mortgage you have remaining on your property, you will know how much money will be released by selling the house.

Ask yourself the question: Can the money I receive from the house sale comfortably cover my separate living arrangements?

Consider factors like future housing costs, potential investments, and childcare costs.

• Will selling the house provide enough financial security for me to move forward?
• From the advice I have received from my agent, how long will the house sale take?
• Can I afford to maintain the house on my own if I decide to stay?

Setting an emotional boundary: Strategies for detaching personal feelings from the home-selling process.

Divorce can be emotionally charged, and setting emotional boundaries is often easier said than done. However, entering the process with the mindset of viewing the house as a financial asset will enable a smoother selling process. Detachment can help with a more objective approach.

Here are some tips for setting an emotional boundary…

Focus on the practicalities of selling the house, agreeing on the sale details at the beginning of the process, such as the market price and how much you are both willing to accept.

Remember that selling the house is a step towards a new chapter in your life. The calmer you approach the situation, the quicker you can complete the sale.

Fair price setting: Tips for agreeing on a listing price without conflict

As we touched upon earlier, reaching a fair agreement on the price to put your house up for sale is essential for a smooth sale. An estate agent can provide you with the value they believe you should enter the market at.

You can also speak to them about selling the property at a slightly under-market value if your priority is a quick sale. Be open and honest with your ex-partner about your expectations for the sale. Communicating directly with your ex-partner is much better for determining an agreed listing price. However, if necessary, an estate agent can act as a mediator.

Before speaking to an agent, you can do your own research online to determine what your property may be worth. Zoopla provides a free property valuation tool to give you a price range within which they believe your house sits. You can access this tool here – Zoopla House Valuation Tool

Dividing the profits: Guidance on impartially splitting the proceeds from the sale

Transparency is key throughout the selling process. Share any offers you receive with your ex-partner and agree at the outset of the process how the proceedings received from the property will be split. A divorce lawyer is usually required to help ensure a fair division based on your specific circumstances.

By following these steps and prioritizing clear communication with your ex-partner, you can move forward with confidence through the sale of your marital home. Remember, you are not alone in this process. There are professionals who can guide you and help minimize the stress of selling your house during this difficult time.

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The post Selling your house due to a divorce: how to get through it appeared first on Silver Magazine.

From one heartache to the next

This time two years ago I ended my marriage of 15 years, a week before my birthday. My husband and I lived in our apartment for another 12 months, finishing the renovations so it could go up for sale. I found a much smaller place in St Leonard’s on Sea, just five miles away, while my ex was planning to move back to his native France.

Meanwhile I was in relationship with a man I was besotted with. A man who would go on to repeatedly ghost me then leave me for another woman.

Fast-forward a year and we were finally due to exchange contracts on our flat. Only for the buyer to pull out at the last moment. I had to pay the fees for the flat I could no longer buy, along with the fees for the one we hadn’t sold. I had no work at the time, so it was a huge blow, both financially and emotionally.

It’s fair to say that life was overwhelming for both of us.

Gautier’s father had died unexpectedly during COVID and his mother had recently been diagnosed with cancer, and was undergoing brutal treatment with a bleak prognosis. We were both devastated, obviously him more than me. But I too was so stressed I was worried that I’d end up with cancer.

Guess what?

The unthinkable

Gautier had just left for France when I found a weird cocktail sausage-shaped swelling in my left breast whilst maneuvering myself into a new bikini. I was sent for a mammogram, scan and biopsies immediately after the consultant had examined me, and had a lumpectomy six weeks later.

Friends helped out post-surgery, but there was nobody to make me a cup of tea, give me a hug, do housework and make dinner. Each night I went to bed exhausted, scared and alone. I struggled physically and mentally for months, especially after radiotherapy. I was stuck in a flat I couldn’t sell, so I literally couldn’t move on with my life. And I found it hard to ask for help, so I didn’t.

I desperately needed a break before I broke.

Another article you may like: 10 things I wish I’d known about breast cancer – before I had it 

A change of scenery – the road to recovery

An all-inclusive hotel in Egypt’s Sharm-el-Sheik wouldn’t have been my first choice of destination. I was thinking more of Madeira or Menorca. However, a deal popped up for the Iberotel Redsina and the word ‘snorkeling’ jumped out at me.

I went bananas and booked a ‘swim-up’ room instead of the cheapest room, which is what the old me had always done. The sea appeared to be the same shade of blue as Paul Newman’s eyes. My body needed this like it needed oxygen.

Because it was summer and off-season – high season being spring or late autumn/winter – the resort was almost empty. I arrived at night, ordered room service and jumped straight in the pool outside my room. I swam under the soft white lights with no interruptions except the faint rustling of palm tree leaves as they swayed in the breeze.

The grounds are beautiful

There’s nothing but polite staff, beautiful flowers and palm trees everywhere you go. I felt very relaxed despite the 45-degree heat doing its best to floor me.

I’d sit cross-legged in the clear shallows playing with passing fish and little things that were like a cross between starfish and tarantulas (we held hands/tentacles)

The 60-minute deep tissue massage I treated myself to was the best I’d ever had, and I left the spa with some gorgeous Egyptian skincare products. The beach was two minutes’ walk from my room; the deep water accessed by a long jetty. I was in heaven the moment I jumped into the water.

In the main restaurant, giddy from such a vast choice of food from so many different cultures, I chose Egyptian (obvs). Dishes were beautifully cooked and bursting with flavour. I ate grilled red mullet and sardines, zesty tabbouleh, stuffed aubergines, perfectly dainty French-inspired patisserie, and about 87 different breads.

“Hello Miss Juliette, would you like to do yoga and Pilates each morning, outside in the shade?” Er, yes. After that I’d sit cross-legged in the clear shallows playing with passing fish and little things that were like a cross between starfish and tarantulas (we held hands/tentacles).

Facing phobias

I snorkeled for the first time. This was a huge deal since I have three lifelong phobias: anything covering my face, eels and the other things like eels beginning with ‘s’, and deep water. I had two panic attacks then went back in minus the snorkel, waving to beautiful blue and yellow fish as I swam along the coral. Still in panic mode, though, since I was in 40ft deep water and THERE MIGHT BE AN EEL. I don’t do things by halves.

At the zen pool I could sketch or read in peace while sipping ice-cold Sakara (Egyptian beer) with lemon. I dressed up for dinner each night and was happy to eat alone while I mopped my sweaty brow, insisting on eating outside – “I’m on holiday!” – rather than in the air-conditioned interior.

Four days later, despite a horrible flight, I came back a better, calmer version of myself. I’d been looked after, and I’d relished it. I wouldn’t recommend waiting until you get cancer to allow yourself that. But for me, I guess it was better late than never. Do go in October, though, won’t you?

www.jazhotels.com

Juliette Wills

Juliette writes about football, F1, fashion, health and interiors for national magazines and newspapers. She’s also Bexhill’s new Town Crier (true story!), runs a pet sitting sideline and heads up her own creative agency. If she’s not at home she’s in the sea

The post My cancer recovery: the charm of Sharm appeared first on Silver Magazine.

How do you avoid having a toxic clash when it comes to going your separate ways? Divorce is never easy, but even harder when we are older, and there’s more at stake. We spoke to Ashley Le Core, Senior Associate at Stowe Family Law about the best advice for divorce settlements when you’re both a bit older, and maybe have more assets, and longer term joint or shared finances.

Sadly, divorces can be messy. No one ever expects to be in that situation, and the dream of having a smooth amicable end to years of commitment isn’t always fulfilled.

Over the last twenty years, divorce amongst marriages of thirty years and over, have steadily risen. In 2021, 1 in 4 divorces were of couples over 50. It’s tough feeling like you’re starting over later in life, but to even get there you have to navigate the division of assets and untangle the decades of intertwined life. Even knowing how to take the first steps to broach the topic may allude many.

Ashley Le Core of Stowe Family Law says “In terms of discussing a divorce with your partner, this can be a difficult process, especially if they do not know it’s coming. If you feel able to discuss it with your partner yourself, then perhaps pick a sensible time when you are on your own. If you don’t feel comfortable doing it alone, try to ensure that you have somebody you trust with you.

“It is understandable that you may feel anxious and upset about this conversation, particularly if you have been married for many years and are heading towards or in retirement and later-life plans with your spouse.”

Managing emotions

Ashley stresses that it’s important to try and keep things calm.

“When a marriage breaks down, we would always suggest mediation as a sensible first step. It takes a lot of the emotion out of the situation. Solicitors will always advise that if there is an amicable solution to be found, then it should be pursued. A mediator can give good advice as to what a settlement would look like, and can do that whilst working with the couple together, whereas solicitors of course do not work in this way.”

But if mediation doesn’t work, choosing the right person to represent you is vital. “When choosing a divorce solicitor, build a rapport with the person who is representing you,” says Ashley. “It is a very difficult time, so deal with someone that you feel has truly got your best interests at heart. A firm with good representation, good communicators and someone who is attentive is most likely the right solicitor for you.”

Read more – Divorce later in life – financial and emotional considerations

How does it all work these days?

“In terms of the solicitor’s role in navigating the divorce, the divorce process now is more straightforward, as it’s an online process. The solicitor will of course outline to you exactly what happens at every stage, and involve you accordingly, but instructing a solicitor means that all the preparation of documentation etc is dealt with by them, and simply approved by you.”

In terms of dividing the assets of the marriage, it is important you feel ready to commence that process. It can be very in-depth, and quite upsetting

Having this support and having the divorce online takes a lot of the stress out of a split, but at the end of the day, you’re still going to be haggling over the terms. So what’s the best way to approach this? Ashley advises caution and pacing yourself at this stage.

“In terms of dividing the assets of the marriage, it is important you feel ready to commence that process. It can be very in-depth, and quite upsetting (naturally). If you’re not in a good headspace when you go into that process, it can hinder the progress you can make. And if you are not yet over the end of the marriage, or if there is a lot of animosity, diving into that process too quickly may not be in your best interests in the long term.

“Practically, once you have filed for divorce, you can take as long as you need to organise your assets and finances. This must always be done before you apply for your final order (previously known as the decree absolute), but there is no time limit after your initial 20-week cooling period.”

Ensure you’re ready before entering negotiations

Where is a good place to start?

“In terms of financial planning post-divorce, the way in which the court works in this country is that the settlement will be reached based on what each spouse needs. As such, the court will only give to each spouse what they believe they need to continue a comfortable lifestyle moving forward,” explains Ashley. So there is little point filing for divorce and asking for the moon and the stars. But a roof over your head is the first port of call.

…if the marriage has come to an end, you are effectively starting a new chapter of your life.

“The most likely effect of the divorce is a feeling of unknown financial security. If there are enough assets at the end of a marriage to rehouse both people appropriately, then that financial security is there. However, if that’s not the case and it means that both people need to review their finances in order to consider themselves comfortable, things are more complex.

“Selling the family home does end up being one of the more stressful aspects of a marriage or relationship breakdown. Often it has been a property that the couple have shared for a significant period, and letting go of that can be exceptionally difficult.

“However, if the marriage has come to an end, you are effectively starting a new chapter of your life. To start that new chapter, you potentially need to cut ties to everything that was in place before, including a house. Whilst it may be a wish to try and retain the property, I always ask people how they would feel living in a property where they have a significant number of memories, and potentially not the nicest memories.”

It it worth having a pre-nup?

“The major positive of having a prenuptial agreement is of course to protect any wealth that was brought into a marriage. If one spouse was particularly wealthier than the other, it is common practice that prenuptial agreements (whilst not legally binding yet, in this country, but considered exceptionally persuasive) are very normal in cases such as these.

“When the marriage breaks down, the prenuptial agreement takes precedence and the individual who came into the marriage with more wealth should be able to have the majority of those funds returned. There are increasingly popular for those entering second or third marriages as a way to protect property and inheritance for children from the previous marriage.”

…you should regularly review the agreement, particularly when any significant changes occur to your finances

It’s important to keep checking in on this though, as things change. “The ‘con’ of having a prenuptial agreement is that they can become massively out of date. If you agreed one pattern at the beginning and then there are significant changes throughout the marriage, it can tie the couple to an agreement that might have been made a significant number of years ago.

“This is why you should regularly review the agreement, particularly when any significant changes occur to your finances, property, or children. If you do not have a prenuptial agreement, then the court will take the standard position. Which is that – depending on the circumstances as you are at the point of divorce (i.e., your ages, any children, earning capacity, assets, future) – they will look at what each person needs and decide accordingly.

“The usual starting point for individuals who have been married for a long period and who have children over the age of 18 or no children at all, is 50/50 of all the assets.”

How does a divorce affect pensions and investments?

“The divorce itself will not affect any pensions, but it is likely that if one spouse has a larger pension pot than the other, then they may well be expected to share some of that pension with their spouse as part of the divorce process.

…any assets that form part of either person’s asset portfolio will be considered as part of the matrimonial pot, although a split isn’t always 50/50

“Usually, a pension actuary would be instructed to address how those pension pots should be split to make it fair for each spouse, and that advice should be pursued.

“In terms of investments, any assets that form part of either person’s asset portfolio will be considered as part of the matrimonial pot, although a split isn’t always 50/50. One party may wish to ring-fence certain assets due to having only just received them. Or there may be issues arising from prenuptial agreements or other such arguments. But everything will be considered by the court before making an appropriate determination.

“It is therefore very important to be categorically clear when you end your marriage as to what all assets are, where they are, and the value. The court expects complete openness and honesty about all these matters in order to make an appropriate decision. And any attempt to be seen to be hiding or dissipating assets unnecessarily, the court will usually take a very dim view of.”

Starting anew

Finding your way through a divorce is never easy, no matter what stage of life you’re at. Approach it with patience and composure, and discuss things openly with your solicitor at each step. Being equipped with knowledge can give you some confidence going through this taxing time.

When things feel overwhelming or too distressing, remember the reasons why you or your partner came to this decision. At the end of it all, there’s a fresh start and an exciting future ahead of you.

Lana Hall

Lana can usually be found spinning her collection of records, or writing odd poems in her phone notes. Her mixer of choice is a ginger beer, and you’ll never find her away from the sea for more than a few weeks.

The post Best advice for divorce settlements when you’re older appeared first on Silver Magazine.

The topic of divorce is not a particularly fun one to broach, and yet it is a topic that touches a large majority of families across the UK. Over two fifths of all UK marriages sadly end at divorce, with recent statistics pointing to the average length of a marriage before divorce being just shy of 12 years. 

While most couples broach separation in their mid-40s, something of a ‘grey divorce’ revolution has been slowly taking shape on both sides of the Atlantic Ocean. For numerous reasons, a slow-growing number of older couples are finding it right to end their union. The phenomenon has been linked to everything from longer lifespans to progressive cultural shifts away from patriarchy, but what matters is that people are charting courses to live their life on their terms – which unfortunately means addressing the elephant in the room.

First steps

As someone considering divorce in later life, or otherwise facing the prospect, it can be difficult to know exactly how to proceed. Marriage is holistic, in that it encompasses multitudes as a thing unto itself. This means there is much to unpick in the process of divorcing, which can often be overwhelming to bear at first glance.

Great journeys are only ever begun with a single step – but when it comes to divorce, the quality of that step can make a great deal of difference. Where divorce seems inevitable, you shouldn’t aim to forge on alone; consultation with a family lawyer is a vital initial step to ensuring your best interests are served at all times. Involving legal help early can also be a great move for minimising the risk of letting emotions make compromises on your behalf.

Assets

The fundamental concern in divorce is that you come away as ‘whole’ as you can. This may not be possible financially or emotionally, but the legal process is there to help you retrieve what is yours from that shared pool of a life lived together. Separating assets can be a painful process, especially where shared ownership of a home is concerned, but it is vital to start early and do it right. Drawing up an inventory of personal possessions can make this division much easier, but meetings and compromises are inevitable. 

Family

One of the upsides of ‘grey divorce’ is that any children involved are likely adults – removing custodial concerns from the process altogether. This is both a financial and emotional godsend, where divorce can sometimes be stickiest around family. That said, a rising trend of adult children living with parents in this harsh economic climate can muddy the waters, and bears considering.

Mental health

Regardless how warranted or even freeing your eventual divorce may be, it will still weigh a heavy burden on your mind. Anxiety and depression are commonly weathered during divorce, making it all the more important that you give yourself time and space to breathe – and that you surround yourself with family and friends to fight your corner. 

Read more: Girls just wanna have fun. Why you should consider a short-term fling

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The post Divorce in later life – financial and emotional considerations appeared first on Silver Magazine.

Thanks to a more open dialogue around the menopause, there is now far greater awareness about the symptoms of menopause in women. But it’s becoming increasingly apparent that it affects more than just the physical. It seems that menopause might spell the end of your relationship.

*Sensitive topics

It’s estimated that a third of the entire UK female population are currently menopausal, which equates to around 13 million people. Right here, right now.

For the majority of women, menopause typically starts between the ages of 45 and 55. However, early menopause can affect women if their periods have stopped before they turn 45. Or if they’ve had menopause enforced for another reason, such as cancer treatment affecting the ovaries, as a result of chromosomal abnormalities, infections, or even an autoimmune disease.

Whatever your age, or reason for being in menopause, it can bring a ton of aggravation. And not just for the one going through it.

The impact on relationships

The changes and imbalances in your hormones when going through the menopause can have a significant impact on your mental health, causing you to have brain fog, feel anxious, overwhelmed, and have low self-esteem.

Various studies have shown menopause can greatly impact relationships, with one study showing that 7 in 10 women blame menopause for their divorce. In addition to increased divorces, there is also sadly a link between menopause and domestic abuse (DA), with more women reporting an increase in this during the menopausal period.

67 per cent of the 1,000 women who participated expressed concern that it led to a rise in domestic abuse and arguments.

This can be particularly challenging when dealing with the physical and mental impacts of the menopause, so it’s important to seek advice if possible during this difficult time.

Thankfully society has now placed greater focus on mental health and raising awareness of domestic abuse, meaning accessibility to support is better than ever before. As well as dedicated DA support, there are also now menopause specialists and charities available to offer guidance.

Sadly, only 20 per cent of these women had sought support to discuss perimenopause/menopause because they did not realize it was a contributing factor to their relationship breakdown at the time.

Taking care of yourself throughout the menopause journey

If you’re a Silver reader you’re probably perimenopausal, menopausal, or can see it on the horizon. So you’re probably all over this already. But it’s good to be reminded that you can prepare for the menopause. Well… kind of.

You can start preparing for the symptoms at least, finding ways to improve them where possible. You can’t exactly prevent the menopause from happening, but you can get your body ready.

Health
Try to eat a healthy, balanced diet and exercise regularly, as this can help you maintain a healthy weight and reduce the increased risk of chronic health conditions.

Sleep
It’s also important to get enough sleep so your body is well-rested. Avoiding caffeine in the evening and winding down before bed can help you adhere to a regular sleep schedule. And put down that mobile device an hour before bedtime.

Stress and breathing
Practicing deep breathing and relaxation strategies can assist with this too, as well as helping to reduce your stress and anxiety levels.

Avoiding the heat
Hot flushes can occur at any time during the day, typically lasting for a few minutes. Be sure to avoid any triggers such as alcohol or spicy food in order to help you deal with this.

As your oestrogen levels begin to drop during the menopause, every part of your body is affected. You can investigate HRT, but staying healthy and eating for menopause will help loads.

Changes in the workplace

The government published Our Vision for the Women’s Health Strategy for England in December 2021. This outlined plans to appoint the first ever Women’s Health Ambassador, giving a voice to women, including those who are menopausal in the workplace.

The UK Menopause Taskforce is said to be working with employers to promote best practice for supporting women with menopause at work, such as workplace adjustments and flexible working, sick leave, and open conversations to break the taboo.

Whatever happens, we need to keep talking and moving forward to support those working through menopause. And getting the right support where available.

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The post Could the menopause spell the end of your relationship? appeared first on Silver Magazine.

‘Overlap’. It’s not an attractive word, with intimations of too many teeth spoiling a smile or shoddily-lain linoleum. It’s certainly not a word that one would associate with such a fragrant presence as that of Felicity Kendal, the nation’s superannuated sweetheart.

Yet in an interview with the Sunday Times earlier this year, the demure thespian – 72 and still sexy – spoke thus of her long and interesting romantic record: ‘I didn’t have affairs – I just went from one to the next, with a bit of overlapping.’

Maybe I’m a touch touchy about this because my laughably-named ‘private life’ has been one long Overlap. I’ve probably slept with far fewer people than most women of 60 (especially considering I’ve spent forty-three years in the world of journalism, a milieu so sexually generous before the daytime drinking ban that we made your average Aerosmith tour look like a Women’s Institute AGM), but that’s because I got married as a teenager to the first man I had sex with.

I’ve hardly been some sort of bed-hopping fly-by-night. But nevertheless I have persistently Overlapped

My first marriage lasted five years, my second ten and I’ve been with my third husband for almost a quarter of a century so I’ve hardly been some sort of bed-hopping fly-by-night. But nevertheless I have persistently Overlapped my suitors, at one point uttering the unspeakably vulgar line ‘Why would anyone get out of the bath until they’ve turned the heating on?’

Having left my first husband for my second when I was 24, then my second husband for a girl when I was 35, then that girl for her own younger brother six months later – Overlapping all the way – I feel I’ve certainly packed in enough romantic permutations to last me a lifetime.

The first Overlap was a cloak-and-dagger affair during which I took the train to London from my suburban bungalow once a week to my lover’s flat in Chelsea. My husband, a traditional man, would not have appreciated this one bit and so I fled before we were detected.

My second husband was worldly enough to *allow* me to have a love affair with a girl but not worldly enough to understand that love laughs at allowances

My second husband was worldly enough to *allow* me to have a love affair with a girl but not worldly enough to understand that love laughs at allowances. My love affair with a girl imploded under the pressure of too much oestrogen and the unsettling presence of her younger brother – now my third husband – who made me realise quite quickly that just because one enjoys a holiday on Lesbos, one doesn’t necessarily want to move there for life.

It’s a widespread phenomenon; at the other end of the celebrity spectrum from the semi-sainted Kendall we have Katie Price, who has stated that when she feels a relationship is coming to an end she ‘always has a new man on the back burner’. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve read unsolicited advice from insolent agony aunts advising her to ‘take time for yourself’ because ‘jumping straight into a new relationship is never the answer.’

But you just can’t win with these professional sticky-beaks; should a famous female go for ‘too long’ without male companionship and she’ll find herself splashed over the celebrity magazines as ‘a recluse’ who has ‘given up on men’. Personally, I believe that those who advise us to leave a gap between courses are probably just *hangry*, and want us all to suffer with them. Like those friends who declare they aren’t eating carbs and then stare resentfully at your cheesy chips till they’re gone.

Overlapping has always been common among women with the wherewithal not to need society’s approval; look at Liz Taylor, who Overlapped so much she ended up lapping herself and reuniting with Richard Burton, or indeed Kendal herself, whose current ‘boyfriend’ is the husband she left for Tom Stoppard more than two decades ago.

I asked around amongst my friends for examples of Overlapping. L remembers: ‘When I was young, I Overlapped with three brothers – one of them knew about all of them, another knew about one, the other knew about nothing. In fact, I Overlapped to the extent that I recall one going out of the basement flat door while another was walking up the stoop to the main front door.’

Why do Overlappers irk people? It can’t be sexual morality, as we often have less sex partners than other types, who may well fit in interludes of frantic promiscuity between real relationships. There may be a sort of overly-fastidious morality at play which sees Overlapping as a prolonged version of ‘double-parking’ – having sex with two people in the same day – which shamelessly contradicts the idea of woman as some sort of chaste vessel with only one careful owner.

It indicates that a woman can have her cake, eat it and then order a muffin too, which contradicts the boring old lie about men being polygamous and women monogamous – which only ever existed because for most of history women haven’t been able to pay their own way in life and depended upon the *protection* (a nice way of saying the ownership) of men.

But of course it’s not just women who Overlap. D says ‘I left my wife for another woman, had a change of heart and went back with her for one Overlapping night before deciding the initial decision was the right one and resuming the other Overlap – only to discover six weeks later that my by then ex-wife was pregnant with my eldest son.’

P confesses ‘I dated three Sarahs at once – mayhem! I’d come back from lunch and there would be a note on my desk – ‘Sarah phoned – please call her back.’’ J can literally go one better: ‘When I was at university four different girls I was Overlapping with asked me which train I was getting back from my hometown after Christmas. Only after telling the fourth did I realise it might be embarrassing – so I bravely caught an earlier one.’

Though I am endlessly delighted by my own company, I don’t care to have it imposed upon me, but rather to choose it when I please.

I don’t feel in the least regretful about my serial Overlapping, and I’m not sorry that I failed to do the agony-aunt-approved penance in the slough of solitude. Though I am endlessly delighted by my own company, I don’t care to have it imposed upon me, but rather to choose it when I please.

I love being in relationships and I’m good at it, being both amusing and affectionate. I love having a partner-in-crime and a not-quite-captive audience. I like having sex on tap; I’ve never been to a singles bar, not even when I was a hot young thing, and the idea of resorting to such a random raffle so late in life and being a swinging sexagenarian feels me with equal parts amusement and amazement.

Though seeming to be a particularly duplicitous brand of promiscuity, I believe that Overlapping can actually stem from an over-romantic desire to find the mythical One – what the Cathy & Claire problem pages of my girlhood used to call ‘frantically seeking happiness from bed to bed’. And if there is any reason to condemn it, this is the one I’d choose. Because one thing it’s never too soon to learn about relationships is that no matter how often you bolt or how far you run, you inevitably take yourself with you.

Forget finding The One who’s going to make everything perfect; as long as you’re dissatisfied with The One in the mirror, you’ll be dissatisfied with your primary romantic relationship. And no lover, Overlapping or not, can ever fix this.

Julie Burchill

Julie Burchill’s hobbies include luncheon, philanthropy and spite. She has published more than a dozen books, the latest of which is WELCOME TO THE WOKE TRIALS: HOW #IDENTITY KILLED PROGRESSIVE POLITICS, Academica Books, on Amazon in hardback and Kindle. She has lived in Brighton/Hove for more than a quarter of a century – and still feels like she’s on holiday.

The post When you’re the leaver, do you leap? Or do you like to ‘Overlap’? appeared first on Silver Magazine.

I don’t think mine is a particularly unusual story, although I do also know that lots of people won’t feel the same way as me, and some of my friends would be tutting very loudly. Marriage – whether you’re religious or not – is at the very least a series of promises you make to the person you love. And whether it’s a matter of honour, or the beady eyes of the Lord ensuring you stick to the deal, breaking those promises is a breach of trust, a shattering of those bonds. So you might wonder why I cheat on my husband.

The promises we make to each other in our youth, when we are idealistic, unfettered… full of lust and with all our time ahead, not times behind us – well, perhaps those promises sometimes need revisiting. People sometimes renew their vows, don’t they? I wonder if the promises they make to each other the second time around are different. They ought to be, I think. Because the people we are at 25 are very different to the people we are at 55.

Then one day you find yourself looking out of the window and wondering well… is that it?

My story begins, realistically, in a place where I think a lot of us find ourselves. Been together for years, got through the kids, the working together. The adventures of home making and empire building. The overcoming of hard times, the celebration and joy of successes. The supporting each other through sickness and health. The deep love and connection – which incidentally is very much still there – but then one day you find yourself looking out of the window and wondering well… is that it?

I’m going to keep saying this because there will be people who doubt it. I love my husband.

I love him very, very much and I couldn’t imagine for a minute being without him. We are at the same time both entirely compatible but ultimately very different people, and it has been that similarity and those differences that has kept us interested in each other and excited to spend time together for such a long time.

But excitement is missing in one very fundamental area of our lives. And that’s the bedroom. Or the kitchen table. Or the dark alley down the side of the house. Or the sofa in front of a muted film…

As we’ve got older, getting involved in spanking and admonishment has felt, well, a bit Victoria Wood

Please, don’t start thinking wow, they should try pepping things up a bit, we can all get a bit bored, boring and bland in that department after years. You need to know we’ve tried a lot of stuff. We’ve always had a fairly robust interest in the play of power and pain, but honestly that takes some time and commitment to set up, and as we’ve got older, getting involved in spanking and admonishment has felt, well, a bit Victoria Wood.

We’ve had a go at role play

I look ridiculous dressed as a WPC, I can tell you that for nothing. We have tried fantasies and fun, food and fellatio (I nearly put fisting there for the sake of alliteration but we haven’t actually tried that. Neither of us are too keen). We’ve had a bash at lots of stuff. And all of these things have had varying levels of success. Some have been enormously sexy. Some have been hilarious. But honest to god, at the end of the day this is a man I have been with for decades and really, generating much enthusiasm – for either of us – is hard work. And I know he feels the same. In fact, of the two of us, he is the one far less worried about this. He just isn’t interested in sex.

So we don’t tend to bother. We are close, we cuddle. We hug and are physically affectionate. We prefer each other’s company to anyone else’s. I adore him, and still love things like the way his hair curls in different ways on either side of his head, or how soft his voice is. I long for him when he’s not there.

Read more: Help! I’m trapped in a sexless marriage

But as for sex?

On the one hand it’s easy just to not bother, but on the other, I really miss it. I miss the visceral excitement. I found that as the years passed and he just didn’t seem to care, didn’t seem to want to make the effort, it became more and more difficult for me to gee us up. I felt unattractive. I lost confidence. Actually, I started to wonder if we should even be together any more.

I had a sudden flash, like a bump on the head. I needed more. I needed to get out, find myself

He doesn’t know this – but I was a fag paper away from leaving him last year. I’d been having one of those days where I looked in the mirror and felt pretty smug about what I saw. I’m slim, I dress well. I have good hair and I’m funny – dammit I’m sexy, especially on a good day like this. And I was thinking it was a shame it was all going to waste. Call it a midlife crisis if you like, but I had a sudden flash, like a bump on the head. I needed more. I needed to get out, find myself.

So I went through all these hare-brained plans about leaving and what I would do. And I felt really gutted. And then really confused. I rang my friend.

“I want to feel sexy and exciting and get fucked and not just be at home all the time,” I gabbled. “What do I do? If I don’t do something I’m going to die like this, with my bits all full of cobwebs.”

My friend, in her infinite wisdom – and immediately game for a partner in crime (she is single) – said pragmatically that what I needed was a night out. Let my hair down, have a few drinks. So off we went – hair down and morals loose.

I met a man that night

A younger man – not by years, but young enough to be exciting and sexy. And we just did that absolutely textbook thing of flirting for a bit over martinis, and then booking a room upstairs. Literally! I felt like I was in an Erica Jong book! We had exciting, meaningless sex that was really very good indeed, and that was it.

For the first time in my entire life I understood the difference between love and sex

So here I am where I’m going to remind you how much I love my husband. And to tell you gasping and disapproving lot how once I’d done this I didn’t feel bad or guilty at all – I just felt relieved, like I’d scratched an itch. Maybe I should have felt bad – but for the first time in my entire life I understood the difference between love and sex. What I’d just had was sex – and it made my tail wag and made me jump for joy – but it wasn’t love. I didn’t care if I never saw this chap again (he was super keen, ironically). But more than anything, once I’d showered, and checked there was nothing for me to get busted over, I couldn’t wait to get home to my beloved husband.

Does that sound awful? I suppose it does. I would have rather stuck pins in my eyes than hurt him, and that was my primary consideration. Not about being busted – I wasn’t ashamed of what I’d done. But to break his heart? That would be something I would never, ever want to do.

He barely stirred when I got on home. I snuggled up behind him and slept like a log, curled around him.

And this was the start of a behaviour I would repeat. Not often, and not close to home, not on my doorstep. Not as an ongoing affair, ever; I made a promise to myself right at the start – no affairs of the heart, only sex. And I swear it’s the reason my husband and I are still together. He seems relieved that I’ve given up strapping on the tackle and trying to whip up excitement in the bedroom – and so every now and again I indulge myself elsewhere.

I joined a dating app

I’m very discreet, and if I’m honest I prefer to hook up with other men who are also married, as they don’t tend to want anything out of the arrangement except sex either. The meetings and choices don’t always go well. Sometimes I walk away empty-handed, as it were. But the occasional excitement and adventure means I don’t spend time at home feeling wistful and wondering if I should leave.

I have often wondered if my husband might be doing the same thing and how I would feel

I have often wondered if my husband might be doing the same thing and how I would feel if that were the case. The honest answer is that I don’t know – to either of those posers. I’d like to imagine I’d feel it was all fair and as long as we still loved each other and our marriage triumphed, then great. But I suspect I’d be jealous. I think I’d just rather not know.

Anyway – removing this lopsided desire and its incumbent pressure from our marriage is working fine for now. Long may it continue, as long as no one gets hurt.

[Name supplied]

Sam Harrington-Lowe

Sam is Silver’s founder and editor-in-chief. She’s largely responsible for organising all the things, but still finds time to do the odd bit of writing. Not enough though. Send help.

The post Why I cheat on my husband appeared first on Silver Magazine.

The average life expectancy for men is currently 79.4 years, and for women it’s even longer at 83.1 years. That means that on average, you can have a wonderful 54.4 years of bliss with a partner.

That equates to 19,366 days of waking up to the same snoring, the same morning breath and maybe even the same (if you are particularly blessed) farting in the bed!

We feel your pain. So, we have collated our top 10 tips to avoid stabbing your spouse to death one night over a particularly bad disagreement on the outcome of Britain’s Got Talent.

1. Invest in some high-quality headphones

A simple one but a definite must. Those sweet dulcet tones or husky voice that once drove you mad with desire but now makes you want to claw your own eyes out; block it out with some heavy-duty ear protectors.

2. Make friends . . . separately

You know you have spent years making friends with other couples who share your interests; couples’ curry takeaways, couples’ quiz nights and even planned trips abroad together. Now is the time to abandon these friends completely; chances are half of them are divorced anyway. Now, what you need are friends that your other half despises, friends that you can happily see on your own without your wife/husband wanting to tag along. Distance is now your friend.

3. Get a hobby or five

Anything that gets you out of the house and away from your spouse is a good thing. Remember the times when you couldn’t bear to be apart for even an hour? Those days are long gone. You want to keep yourself out of prison? Spend as much time away from your partner as possible. Preferably doing things you enjoy, remember you’ve put up with them for this long, surely you are entitled to some fun?

4. Sleep separately

Why-oh-why has society made it the norm for couples to sleep in the same bed?? Do you need to sleep together to have sex? No, there is a perfectly acceptable sofa, car or washing machine that you can do that on. The only thing that sleeping in the same bed together does for a marriage is kill it. Snoring, fidgeting, kicking, stealing all the covers, the list goes on. So, do yourself a favour and invest in separate beds ASAP.

5. Become addicted to boxsets

This is one you can actually do together with minimal risk of violence occurring. There are so many gripping dramas out there and more are being created every day, (specifically, we firmly believe, to stop couples killing each other of an evening).

6. Spice up your sex life

Literally do whatever it takes to keeps things hot; sex swings, vibrating rings, love toys, inflatable boys (well men). If you feel the urge to grab something sharp and pointy, take our advice and grab something else instead.

7. Choose your poison wisely

No, we don’t mean actual poison for killing your partner. We are talking about your drug of choice whether it be booze, fags or of the herbal variety. Make sure you pick a vice that relaxes rather than rages you; don’t add more fuel to the already burning fire.

8. Avoid the chore war

Are you constantly arguing about dirty underwear, unwiped surfaces and overgrown weeds? Let it go. Embrace the mess or get a cleaner. End of.

9. Do not let your mother or father -in-law move in

Retirement homes are expensive, we get it. But so are defence lawyers. Offering to care for your elderly in-laws is the ultimate nail in the coffin of your marriage (or spouse, potentially). Think about all the things that annoy you in your partner; now think about where he/she might have got these traits from. The apple never falls far from the tree. Get your nearest retirement village on speed dial now or invest in a live-in companion.

10. Watch out for surveillance

Not a tip per se, but if all else fails and you are planning to kill your other half, best not to ‘Google How to Kill Your Husband/Wife’ on your own devices before you do it, gives the game away somewhat. Probably go to an internet café for that.

Tabatha Fabray

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