Straightening her best black jacket, Cheryl Johnson files past the coffin, pausing outside the church to read the wreath cards. She offers her sincerest condolences to the widow and her two daughters. Then promises to join them at the local gastro pub for a lunch buffet and to raise a toast to the dearly departed. 

She has never met the dead man, and only found out about his cremation through the local paper’s obituaries

Cheryl, 69, tucks into a sausage roll at the wake and sips on her second glass of wine. She nods at the fond memories being shared about the deceased by his grieving family and friends. They have no idea this well-dressed grandmother-of-two is nursing a grave secret. She has never met the dead man, and only found out about his cremation through the local paper’s obituaries. 

That’s because Cheryl is a funeral crasher, and this is the sixth stranger’s funeral she’s been to this month.

“It might sound strange, but funerals are a wonderful day out,” she says. “You get to meet new people, dress up, and there’s usually some fantastic food. It’s very much like a wedding with a celebratory atmosphere after all the emotion. Everyone wants to remember and celebrate the dead person’s life and they just assume that I knew them too. It’s never awkward.”

“I started doing this after a spell of funerals when members of family and a few friends died. I realised when there hadn’t been a funeral for a couple of months that I missed the company and having a reason to socialise.” She explains. 

“I’m not being disrespectful. I’m honouring the dead by being there to celebrate their life. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know them. I’m helping to give them a good send off.”

Swedish Death Cleaning – are you prepared for your own death?

Women in black

Surprisingly, Cheryl is not alone. Theresa Doyle was caught going to several funerals a day around Slough and Berkshire, whilst ‘pilfering dead men’s sandwiches’. 

Outraged mourners complained that the 65-year-old carries a black funeral outfit to change into, before going into church. She tags along to the wake and helps herself to heaps of food. Even bringing Tupperware containers along to take some home, and put in her freezer. 

Mrs Doyle, who’s a funeral crasher of over 14 years, has even been accused of inventing stories about how she knows the deceased.

… the 65-year-old carries a black funeral outfit to change into. She tags along to the wake and helps herself to heaps of food

After crashing Margaret Whitehead’s daughter Catherine’s funeral, the pensioner said that she’d worked with Catherine as a waitress. “There were a lot of people at the funeral from Catherine’s work so I just assumed she was a colleague,” the distraught mother said. “But my daughter was never a waitress.”

“She [Doyle] was eating from the buffet like there was no tomorrow. At the end of the wake she took out a Tupperware box, filled it up with food and cycled off with it in the basket on her bicycle. She intrudes on people when they are upset and sad.” Margaret says.

Funeral crasher psychology

Psychologist Angela Mansi (CORR) identifies funeral crashers as ‘emotional vampires’. They suck up the energy and drama of the real mourners at the ceremony.

“There is clearly something missing from their own lives,” she says. “A funeral is a private, deeply emotional occasion. These crashers aren’t just there for the food – they want to be immersed in the grief and be around people who are mourning a loved one. 

“They are an observer at a stranger’s funeral but there’s a real need for them being fulfilled by being there and that relates to emptiness and loneliness.”

A funeral is a private, deeply emotional occasion. These crashers aren’t just there for the food – they want to be immersed in the grief

Angela lectures on business and the ‘dark side’ of personality, at the University of Westminster. She says that funerals are a way for these often isolated, lonely people to become, temporarily, part of a community. “We used to have more established places for people to come together, such as churches, fayres and fetes,” she explains, “but there are less of them now.” She discusses.

“People are being further isolated by technology and more are living alone so funerals are one of the last ways we can pay homage to someone while joining in with others in a social ritual.”

The Grim Eater

A man dubbed the Grim Eater crashed up to four funerals a week and took home food in a doggy bag. Undertakers banned him from attending any more funerals.

“He was showing up to funeral after funeral and, without a doubt, he didn’t know the deceased,” Danny Langstraat from Harbour City Funeral Home, in Wellington, New Zealand, said. But after taking the crasher aside to warn him to stop, the undertakers took a photograph of him and circulated it to all their offices and colleagues. 

Noel McDermott, psychotherapist

Noel McDermott, psychotherapist and international speaker, insists though that going to strangers’ funerals is normal and was only deemed inappropriate by the Victorians who wanted to sanitise death and everything surrounding it. 

“In many cultures it’s still not unusual for an entire town to turn out for a funeral – even though many of the mourners will never have met the deceased,” he explains. “Grieving is what makes us human. In fact, the most defining moment of the human species transitioning from animals is when we began to start decorate public spaces around death and make graves.”

The romance in the morbid

Funerals are emotionally intense and many funeral crashers may crave that raw and deep intimacy and experience, Noel says. 

And there can even be a surprising outcome to all that pent-up emotion – funerals can be highly erotic. “It’s well known that people often hook up at funerals,” he says. “There’s so much talk of death, and so much heightened emotion, that people want to be reminded of their mortality and will often engage in sexual intercourse as a way of reminding themselves they’re alive.”

… her date refused to reveal where he was taking her. Revealing to her only to: ‘wear a black dress and I’ll surprise you.’

One woman, who accidentally found herself crashing a funeral on a first date with a man she met on Tinder, didn’t think it was sexy though. The woman from Leeds whose tweets about the disastrous date went viral, was initially excited when her date refused to reveal where he was taking her. Revealing to her only to: ‘wear a black dress and I’ll surprise you.’ 

Her enthusiasm soon cooled when he picked her up and drove her to a crematorium for his grandmother’s funeral. Explaining how she felt, she explained, “He was holding my hand crying – I couldn’t leave.” Needless to say their romance is now dead. 

Four weddings or a funeral

But there’s no reason why going to a funeral can’t be as enjoyable as going to a wedding, says writer Bridget Whelan. The 63-year-old from Brighton & Hove in Sussex, was brought up in Ireland. She says in Irish culture, funerals are seen as part of the rich tapestry of everyone’s social life. 

“They can be a great social occasion,” Bridget says. “It’s a chance to meet lots of nice people and have some fantastic food and drink. It’s a bit like a wedding, and in Ireland it’s completely normal to go to the funeral of someone you hardly know or have never met. And, if you’re in your 50s or 60s a funeral can be the highlight of your social calendar.” 

“…in Ireland it’s completely normal to go to the funeral of someone you hardly know”

“Everyone knows about the local funerals and everyone comes. Those that attended my father’s funeral included his chiropodist and my mother’s hairdresser. An old school friend of my uncle’s by marriage was there. He had never met my father. Why did he come? Because my uncle had lost a brother in law – that was enough reason.”

Bridget says there’s nothing to be ashamed of by letting people know you didn’t know the deceased. “My advice to anyone thinking of going to a funeral is go,” she insists. “Be honest and say if you didn’t know the deceased well. Explain you heard the news and wanted to let the bereaved know how sorry you were to hear it.”

How to crash a funeral 

We’re absolutely not suggesting you should do this, but if you fancy funeral crashing/showing your respects, then The Other Side of Funerals shares the secrets of how to attend without attracting attention to yourself.

• Dress appropriately.  Black clothing should enable entry to most funeral without a second glance. The key is to fit in without standing out.
• Pre-plan and research.  Read obituary notices – often the family will include all the details you need, from the name of the deceased to the time and location of the service.  You will also be able to work out if there is a wake.
• Act confident. This is perhaps the most important thing – just walk in as though you were meant to [be there].
• Be punctual but not early.  Arriving late gets looks, but so does being the only one in the church as people arrive. However, if you walk in with the crowd then you are just one among many – which is usually 15 minutes before the funeral is due to start. As you enter, sign the condolence book and take an order of service.
• Blend in but don’t just stand about.  Standing about awkwardly will get you noticed and then people are likely to question you. Stand in the crowd and talk to someone. Priests or nuns are good as they are experienced with funerals and are more causal than the average mourner.
• Go in pairs if possible. Being part of a duo is a lot easier than being alone. It will give you someone to talk with freely at the wake and someone to help come up with excuses or ideas if needed.

Read more: Talking to your family about making a will

Karen Pasquali Jones

The post Confessions of the funeral crashers appeared first on Silver Magazine.

Firstly, why someone has quit is almost certainly none of your business, even if you’re bursting to ask. So how can you support your sober friends, if they decide to take the plunge and quit?

It’s becoming more common for people to pledge sobriety, but ignorant comments – well-meaning or otherwise – can have a negative effect on people who are trying to cut out alcohol. We’ve compiled a helpful guide on what not to say to anyone who you know has stopped drinking.

1. Why aren’t you drinking?

It’s none of your business for a start. As a general rule of thumb, if people want to explain their reasoning to you, they will. There are a number of reasons why one may choose to stop drinking; maybe it’s for health reasons, or maybe they’re just bored of drinking. They don’t owe you an explanation.

You can be supportive without needing to know the reasons why someone’s sobriety. Accept their wishes and support them with their choice.

“Remember, no means no.”

2. Come on, just have one!

It’s not up to you to dictate what they do. It’s completely their choice, and you need to respect that. And for many people, ‘just one’ really isn’t possible.

If their reasons for going sober are related to addiction issues (which you may not be aware of), that ‘one’ drink you’re encouraging could have a catastrophic affect on their progress.

Remember, no means no. Don’t force anyone to do something they don’t want to do. Respect their decisions.

2. You’re missing out

How do you know? Drinking makes many people deeply unhappy, for a start. If someone has stopped drinking, we can assume that they did once drink, and therefore know of the effects of alcohol. Only they will know if they are ‘missing out’, and it’s up to them to make that decision.

There’s a big misconception in society that one must drink alcohol in order to have a good time. How do you know you’re not the one who’s ‘missing out’? Particularly in terms of a good night’s sleep and improved wellbeing. Tomorrow’s hangover isn’t looking too enviable…

4. I won’t tell anyone if you have a drink…

If you say something like this to someone quitting booze, you really need to look at yourself. What are you doing? Why would you do this?

Again, this can be more harmful than good. If their sobriety is health-related, whether mental or physical, your ‘secret’ could be devastating.

5. What do you do for fun?

There are many ways to have fun and unwind that don’t involve an alcoholic beverage. By resting the notion of a good time on drinking, you’re subconsciously eliminating other avenues of fun, which they may or may not be struggling with.

Instead, ask them what they like to do on weekends, and see if you can get involved. You may find yourself a new hobby, and you’ll be taking the expectation to drink away from them.

“There are many ways to have fun and unwind that don’t involve alcohol.”

6. You’re boring now

This is not a good way to support your sober friends. Sure, we’ve all had a good laugh at one of our friend’s drunken behaviour in the past, and maybe we’ve even been the ones embarking on a reckless inebriated journey! However, telling someone you preferred them when they were dancing on tables, staying up until 4am or leading the party can be damaging. You’re implying here that you find their actual personality boring, and would rather spend time with them under the influence of alcohol.

You’ve also no idea how behaving like that made them feel inside. Consider – if they’ve quit, you could reasonably assume it wasn’t making them happy.

If this is how you genuinely feel, it may be time to reconsider your friendships. If not, maybe try to rephrase certain things in order to make your sober friend or family member feel supported and loved.

Why sober is the new cool

7. We’re going to the pub, but I’m assuming you won’t want to come

Assumptions of any kind are not generally welcome – who are you to make that choice for them? Also, just because someone isn’t drinking alcohol at the moment, it’s not to say they don’t still enjoy the social atmosphere of their local public house!

Luckily for us, there are now many alcohol-free alternatives to our favourite drinks, and even so, sometimes a nice cold soft drink is a welcome refreshment. Don’t start leaving people out of your plans because you’re assuming they won’t want to come. Let them make that decision for themselves, and make them feel welcome and supported.

You could also start planning activities that don’t always involve the pub, to ensure you’re still spending time with your loved one, and showing them that you enjoy their company and want to be supportive of their sobriety.

Helpful links

Alcohol Awareness Week
Al-Anon – for the family and friends of alcoholics
Alcoholics Anonymous
Drinkaware

Carly Pepperell

Carly gets to do everything under the sun, including writing, editing, taking photos, creating stories, and swanning around at launches. She can down a glass of Prosecco without pausing for breath, and aims to be the youngest Pulitzer winner ever.

The post How to support your sober friends – what NOT to say appeared first on Silver Magazine.

Summer is the time of year that has everyone questioning their health. Winter rolls into spring, spring to summer — and before you know it, it’s a scorching hot day and you’re regretting some past decisions.

But it isn’t too late, and with this cracking British summer comes many an opportunity to get healthy while having some fun. Sport is a great way to do just that, and this year’s Wimbledon has got everyone talking tennis…

Serve, volley and backhand your way to a longer life

A bit of time on the court can go a long way to fighting against some of the most common ailments for over-50s.

For women, the regular exercise tennis provides can strengthen not only your muscles but your bones too. That means reduced risk of cardiovascular disease and osteoporosis, conditions that affect millions of women across the UK.

For both men and women, the mental health benefits of a good game of tennis are plentiful

Men are at a higher risk of carrying extra visceral fat that can lead to diabetes or heart disease. Getting active through tennis can help to shed some of that extra weight, lowering body fat for a happier and healthier lifestyle.

For both men and women, the mental health benefits of a good game of tennis are plentiful. Exercise increases the levels of serotonin the brain, which coupled with the social nature of the sport can have great results.

A new survey by Local Tennis Leagues (LTL) has shown just how effective tennis can be — 88% of participants over 50 claiming to feel fitter after joining a league, and 83% reporting improved mental health.

Sporting sociably with Local Tennis Leagues

Local Tennis Leagues is an organisation keen to get more people playing. With nearly 200 mixed-sex leagues across the country, people of any ability can come along and give it a go. Players are sorted into group based on ability, so don’t worry about getting matched up with Andy Murray.

The leagues build a sense of community, which can lead to some great friendships

Nigel Billen, one of the founders of LTL, says that it isn’t just the fitness and competition that keeps people playing. “It’s not just about tennis … the leagues build a sense of community, which can lead to some great friendships being formed”.

Last year over 8,000 people played 30,000 matches in the leagues, and the numbers of people getting involved is constantly growing. So, why not head along to a local league of your own and give it a go? There’s nothing to lose, apart from a set or two!

How can I get involved?

Local Tennis Leagues are open to men and women of all standards over the age of 18.  It costs £18 to enter a round, which runs for 8 weeks. To find out more, or to find a league near you, visit www.localtennisleagues.com

Tennis will only get you so far — here’s 5 other tips to get healthier this summer

1. Healthy Eating

Sounds obvious, right? But still an important thing to remember. With summer comes loads of seasonal fruit and veg, so it’s a great time to get some more nutrients into your diet. Strawberries (and cream!) anyone?

2. Supplements

Nutritional supplements, while not a replacement for good old-fashioned healthy eating, can be a great way to ensure you’re getting all the important vitamins and minerals your body needs. Fish oils are great for your joints, among many other benefits, so are a great choice for an aspiring tennis player.

3. Rest

We’ve been going on about the benefits of an active lifestyle, but rest is just as important. You’ll never recover from all those games without a good night’s sleep. Try and aim for eight hours so your body gets enough time to do its thing.

4. Massage

The different types of massage can be good for your health in various ways. It can aid your recovery, improve flexibility, and help to keep you in winning shape. Sports massage in particular might not be as relaxing as some alternatives, but it’s a great way to loosen up those muscles and joints. No pain no gain?!

5. Fun!

It’s important to manage your stress levels, as being too wound up can wreak havoc on your health. Having fun —through a game of tennis or something else entirely — is a great way to make sure you’re keeping stress in check. Take this with a pinch of salt though, going overboard can have the opposite effect.

Ellis Fergar

The post Anyone for tennis? appeared first on Silver Magazine.