Our forties and fifties are a time of transition. For many of us, life around this time will involve a number of challenges, whether that’s bringing up children, caring for ill family members, facing redundancy, or dealing with divorce. And coming out the other side of these events can leave us feeling like different people. But why is Gen X increasingly drawn to polyamory? Because studies show that this certainly seems to be the case.

Going through these tough times can lead to a re-evaluation of your professional and personal life. And for many people this will include their sex and love life. Some couples who have been in a long-term marriage may feel that their relationship has been neglected or become stale due to the other demands being placed on them. Research has shown that Gen X-ers are more likely to go through divorce than other generations.

Midlife might be the first time in years that an individual has had the time and energy to address their sexual desires and unmet needs and, for some, that could be an exploration of polyamory or ethical non-monogamy (ENM).

What exactly is polyamory and why is Gen X all over it?

Polyamory is the act of being in a number of sexual and/or romantic relationships with different people, with the consent of everyone involved. It is different to swinging in that the relationships are romantic, and can be long-term. And it’s not necessarily always about sex.

Polyamory is something which has become popular with the younger Gen Z, which tends to have more progressive views on social and cultural norms, and often rejects the traditional relationships of their parents.

But why is Gen X choosing to explore this new sexual frontier when many will have spent many years being with just one person?

Time to explore your updated needs?

Therapist Susie Masterson says, “Growing up in the 70s and 80s, relationships were predominantly both monogamous and heteronormative.  Education around consent was still scant, and society was clearly gendered. This informed Gen Xers ‘relationship blueprint’.

“Many of my Gen X clients recognise that having an entrenched position to things – whether that’s relationships, politics or spirituality – effectively means shutting themselves off. This coincides with a time in life when they have fewer practical constraints and responsibilities.”

For the first time in many years, couples will find themselves alone in the house again…

These responsibilities could include your children growing up and moving out. For the first time in many years, couples will find themselves alone in the house again and clinical sexologist Marie Morice says this means that “there is actual physical space and time to feel sexual again. Just between you and your partner to start with. And you can then explore more if you feel like it.”

Tessa Krone, a polyamory advocate and the founder of the podcast Open Nesters, rejects the use of the label ‘empty nesters’ for these couples. “We are the Open Nesters. We are the Baby Boomers and Gen X-ers who reject the traditional roles that our parents played and the empty nest syndrome. We defy the stigma of ageism, ailing health, empty retirement and a passionless sex life.” She describes having this new freedom to be more sexually adventurous and curious as an ‘Act 3’ in life.

David

This is something David, 56, found when his children were grown up and no longer living with him. He had always been in monogamous relationships but when his marriage ended, he realised he was less keen on being tied down to one person. “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again,” he says.

I’m able to get all those needs met, by having relationships with a few different people

“It seems incredible to believe that we can have all our needs met in one person. In my own marriage, I loved my wife, but as the years passed, we stopped having sex, for example. We had amazing fun together, and made each other laugh. But I found myself missing things that I wanted to experience, because I’d committed to having just the one relationship. And now I find I’m able to get all those needs met, by having relationships with a few different people.”

Read a different article: Why I cheat on my husband

Liv

Liv, 47, is happily married and has four children who still live with her, but has recently been exploring polyamory with her husband. She has a demanding day job and a busy family life but says enjoying sex with other people has made her relationship stronger.

…they are happy for each other to play out their sexual fantasies with people outside their marriage

“This is my blowout. I get to let my hair down and get to be incredibly sexually liberated with the consent of my best friend,” she says. While the couple isn’t looking for separate romantic relationships, they are happy for each other to play out their sexual fantasies with people outside their marriage.

Liv says apps like Feeld and Hinge have made it easier for couples and individuals to meet others interested in ENM. Masterson says this is what happened with her client Karine who was re-evaluating her sexuality, having only experienced monogamous, heterosexual relationships previously.

After navigating a number of life transitions from divorce to kids leaving home as well as changing careers, Karine started using dating apps to explore connections with women. Masterson says Karine now only dates women and is currently in a polyamorous relationship with two people.

Polyamory takes some work…

A move away from having previously monogamous relationships does have to be treated with caution. Particularly if you were monogamous before, but have decided to open the doors to others in an already-existing relationship.

Issues such as resentment and jealousy can easily rear their heads if you’re in a relationship, or more than one. Psychotherapist Paula Gardner says “Strong communication skills, honesty, and setting boundaries are key to making this work, and that often means a lot of work which people might not want to do at this stage in life.”

You can’t predict what’s going to happen, so there’s a need for a lot of communication

Morice agrees that honesty is key to ENM working. “By their very nature and their level of uncertainty, open and polyamorous relationships are more intense than typical monogamous relationships. You can’t predict what’s going to happen, so there’s a need for a lot of communication to work through and navigate the unpredictability and the excitement on the journey.”

Communication is something Liv says has been key for things to work smoothly with she and her husband. “We trust each other completely, and where there’s an element of doubt we talk about it immediately,” she says.

“There’s a recognition that we need to be open all the time about how we feel, what we liked or didn’t like and being able to move on and learn from mistakes.

“I feel sad that I didn’t meet my husband earlier in my life as we could have been enjoying this before we reached middle age!”

Top tips for making poly great…

Open and honest communication
Regularly discuss your feelings, boundaries, and any changes in your needs or desires. Open communication helps prevent misunderstandings, and builds trust.

Set clear boundaries
Establish and respect each other’s boundaries. This includes discussing what is acceptable in terms of physical, emotional, and time commitments.

Practice compersion
Compersion is the pleasure of seeing joy in others. Cultivate joy and satisfaction from seeing your partner happy, even if you haven’t created that. This helps reduce jealousy and strengthens the overall relationship dynamic.

Manage jealousy constructively
Understand that jealousy is natural, whoever is feeling it, and can be managed through communication, discussion, and reassurance. Work on the root causes of jealousy rather than letting it fester.

Schedule quality time
Ensure that you spend quality time with each of your partners. Balancing time fairly helps each person feel valued and prevents neglect.

Be transparent
Be honest about your other relationships and any changes in your feelings or circumstances. Transparency prevents misunderstandings.

Prioritise self-care
Take care of your own emotional and physical wellbeing. Taking care of yourself helps you stay well, and be able cope with the complexities of polyamory.

Seek out your tribe
Polyamorous relationships are still in the minority. Join polyamorous communities or groups, or seek advice from a therapist who understands polyamory if necessary. External support can provide valuable perspectives and coping strategies. Not everyone is going to support what you do, probably.

Educate yourself
Read books, attend workshops, and engage with resources about polyamory. Continuous learning helps you understand different dynamics and improve relationship management skills.

Respect each relationship’s unique dynamics
Recognise that each relationship is unique and may require different approaches. Tailor your interactions and efforts to meet the specific needs of each partner.

Stay safe
Make sure all of you in your extended relationship practices safe sex, or is regularly checked for STIs and so forth. Take care of each other.

Kat Storr

Kat has been a digital journalist for over 12 years after starting her career at Sky News where she covered everything from terror attacks to royal babies and celebrity deaths. She has been working freelance for the last five years and regularly contributes to UK publications including woman&home, The i, Stylist, ES Best, Metro, and more.

The post Why is Gen X increasingly drawn to polyamory? appeared first on Silver Magazine.

I don’t think mine is a particularly unusual story, although I do also know that lots of people won’t feel the same way as me, and some of my friends would be tutting very loudly. Marriage – whether you’re religious or not – is at the very least a series of promises you make to the person you love. And whether it’s a matter of honour, or the beady eyes of the Lord ensuring you stick to the deal, breaking those promises is a breach of trust, a shattering of those bonds. So you might wonder why I cheat on my husband.

The promises we make to each other in our youth, when we are idealistic, unfettered… full of lust and with all our time ahead, not times behind us – well, perhaps those promises sometimes need revisiting. People sometimes renew their vows, don’t they? I wonder if the promises they make to each other the second time around are different. They ought to be, I think. Because the people we are at 25 are very different to the people we are at 55.

Then one day you find yourself looking out of the window and wondering well… is that it?

My story begins, realistically, in a place where I think a lot of us find ourselves. Been together for years, got through the kids, the working together. The adventures of home making and empire building. The overcoming of hard times, the celebration and joy of successes. The supporting each other through sickness and health. The deep love and connection – which incidentally is very much still there – but then one day you find yourself looking out of the window and wondering well… is that it?

I’m going to keep saying this because there will be people who doubt it. I love my husband.

I love him very, very much and I couldn’t imagine for a minute being without him. We are at the same time both entirely compatible but ultimately very different people, and it has been that similarity and those differences that has kept us interested in each other and excited to spend time together for such a long time.

But excitement is missing in one very fundamental area of our lives. And that’s the bedroom. Or the kitchen table. Or the dark alley down the side of the house. Or the sofa in front of a muted film…

As we’ve got older, getting involved in spanking and admonishment has felt, well, a bit Victoria Wood

Please, don’t start thinking wow, they should try pepping things up a bit, we can all get a bit bored, boring and bland in that department after years. You need to know we’ve tried a lot of stuff. We’ve always had a fairly robust interest in the play of power and pain, but honestly that takes some time and commitment to set up, and as we’ve got older, getting involved in spanking and admonishment has felt, well, a bit Victoria Wood.

We’ve had a go at role play

I look ridiculous dressed as a WPC, I can tell you that for nothing. We have tried fantasies and fun, food and fellatio (I nearly put fisting there for the sake of alliteration but we haven’t actually tried that. Neither of us are too keen). We’ve had a bash at lots of stuff. And all of these things have had varying levels of success. Some have been enormously sexy. Some have been hilarious. But honest to god, at the end of the day this is a man I have been with for decades and really, generating much enthusiasm – for either of us – is hard work. And I know he feels the same. In fact, of the two of us, he is the one far less worried about this. He just isn’t interested in sex.

So we don’t tend to bother. We are close, we cuddle. We hug and are physically affectionate. We prefer each other’s company to anyone else’s. I adore him, and still love things like the way his hair curls in different ways on either side of his head, or how soft his voice is. I long for him when he’s not there.

Read more: Help! I’m trapped in a sexless marriage

But as for sex?

On the one hand it’s easy just to not bother, but on the other, I really miss it. I miss the visceral excitement. I found that as the years passed and he just didn’t seem to care, didn’t seem to want to make the effort, it became more and more difficult for me to gee us up. I felt unattractive. I lost confidence. Actually, I started to wonder if we should even be together any more.

I had a sudden flash, like a bump on the head. I needed more. I needed to get out, find myself

He doesn’t know this – but I was a fag paper away from leaving him last year. I’d been having one of those days where I looked in the mirror and felt pretty smug about what I saw. I’m slim, I dress well. I have good hair and I’m funny – dammit I’m sexy, especially on a good day like this. And I was thinking it was a shame it was all going to waste. Call it a midlife crisis if you like, but I had a sudden flash, like a bump on the head. I needed more. I needed to get out, find myself.

So I went through all these hare-brained plans about leaving and what I would do. And I felt really gutted. And then really confused. I rang my friend.

“I want to feel sexy and exciting and get fucked and not just be at home all the time,” I gabbled. “What do I do? If I don’t do something I’m going to die like this, with my bits all full of cobwebs.”

My friend, in her infinite wisdom – and immediately game for a partner in crime (she is single) – said pragmatically that what I needed was a night out. Let my hair down, have a few drinks. So off we went – hair down and morals loose.

I met a man that night

A younger man – not by years, but young enough to be exciting and sexy. And we just did that absolutely textbook thing of flirting for a bit over martinis, and then booking a room upstairs. Literally! I felt like I was in an Erica Jong book! We had exciting, meaningless sex that was really very good indeed, and that was it.

For the first time in my entire life I understood the difference between love and sex

So here I am where I’m going to remind you how much I love my husband. And to tell you gasping and disapproving lot how once I’d done this I didn’t feel bad or guilty at all – I just felt relieved, like I’d scratched an itch. Maybe I should have felt bad – but for the first time in my entire life I understood the difference between love and sex. What I’d just had was sex – and it made my tail wag and made me jump for joy – but it wasn’t love. I didn’t care if I never saw this chap again (he was super keen, ironically). But more than anything, once I’d showered, and checked there was nothing for me to get busted over, I couldn’t wait to get home to my beloved husband.

Does that sound awful? I suppose it does. I would have rather stuck pins in my eyes than hurt him, and that was my primary consideration. Not about being busted – I wasn’t ashamed of what I’d done. But to break his heart? That would be something I would never, ever want to do.

He barely stirred when I got on home. I snuggled up behind him and slept like a log, curled around him.

And this was the start of a behaviour I would repeat. Not often, and not close to home, not on my doorstep. Not as an ongoing affair, ever; I made a promise to myself right at the start – no affairs of the heart, only sex. And I swear it’s the reason my husband and I are still together. He seems relieved that I’ve given up strapping on the tackle and trying to whip up excitement in the bedroom – and so every now and again I indulge myself elsewhere.

I joined a dating app

I’m very discreet, and if I’m honest I prefer to hook up with other men who are also married, as they don’t tend to want anything out of the arrangement except sex either. The meetings and choices don’t always go well. Sometimes I walk away empty-handed, as it were. But the occasional excitement and adventure means I don’t spend time at home feeling wistful and wondering if I should leave.

I have often wondered if my husband might be doing the same thing and how I would feel

I have often wondered if my husband might be doing the same thing and how I would feel if that were the case. The honest answer is that I don’t know – to either of those posers. I’d like to imagine I’d feel it was all fair and as long as we still loved each other and our marriage triumphed, then great. But I suspect I’d be jealous. I think I’d just rather not know.

Anyway – removing this lopsided desire and its incumbent pressure from our marriage is working fine for now. Long may it continue, as long as no one gets hurt.

[Name supplied]

Sam Harrington-Lowe

Sam is Silver’s founder and editor-in-chief. She’s largely responsible for organising all the things, but still finds time to do the odd bit of writing. Not enough though. Send help.

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