Straightening her best black jacket, Cheryl Johnson files past the coffin, pausing outside the church to read the wreath cards. She offers her sincerest condolences to the widow and her two daughters. Then promises to join them at the local gastro pub for a lunch buffet and to raise a toast to the dearly departed. 

She has never met the dead man, and only found out about his cremation through the local paper’s obituaries

Cheryl, 69, tucks into a sausage roll at the wake and sips on her second glass of wine. She nods at the fond memories being shared about the deceased by his grieving family and friends. They have no idea this well-dressed grandmother-of-two is nursing a grave secret. She has never met the dead man, and only found out about his cremation through the local paper’s obituaries. 

That’s because Cheryl is a funeral crasher, and this is the sixth stranger’s funeral she’s been to this month.

“It might sound strange, but funerals are a wonderful day out,” she says. “You get to meet new people, dress up, and there’s usually some fantastic food. It’s very much like a wedding with a celebratory atmosphere after all the emotion. Everyone wants to remember and celebrate the dead person’s life and they just assume that I knew them too. It’s never awkward.”

“I started doing this after a spell of funerals when members of family and a few friends died. I realised when there hadn’t been a funeral for a couple of months that I missed the company and having a reason to socialise.” She explains. 

“I’m not being disrespectful. I’m honouring the dead by being there to celebrate their life. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know them. I’m helping to give them a good send off.”

Swedish Death Cleaning – are you prepared for your own death?

Women in black

Surprisingly, Cheryl is not alone. Theresa Doyle was caught going to several funerals a day around Slough and Berkshire, whilst ‘pilfering dead men’s sandwiches’. 

Outraged mourners complained that the 65-year-old carries a black funeral outfit to change into, before going into church. She tags along to the wake and helps herself to heaps of food. Even bringing Tupperware containers along to take some home, and put in her freezer. 

Mrs Doyle, who’s a funeral crasher of over 14 years, has even been accused of inventing stories about how she knows the deceased.

… the 65-year-old carries a black funeral outfit to change into. She tags along to the wake and helps herself to heaps of food

After crashing Margaret Whitehead’s daughter Catherine’s funeral, the pensioner said that she’d worked with Catherine as a waitress. “There were a lot of people at the funeral from Catherine’s work so I just assumed she was a colleague,” the distraught mother said. “But my daughter was never a waitress.”

“She [Doyle] was eating from the buffet like there was no tomorrow. At the end of the wake she took out a Tupperware box, filled it up with food and cycled off with it in the basket on her bicycle. She intrudes on people when they are upset and sad.” Margaret says.

Funeral crasher psychology

Psychologist Angela Mansi (CORR) identifies funeral crashers as ‘emotional vampires’. They suck up the energy and drama of the real mourners at the ceremony.

“There is clearly something missing from their own lives,” she says. “A funeral is a private, deeply emotional occasion. These crashers aren’t just there for the food – they want to be immersed in the grief and be around people who are mourning a loved one. 

“They are an observer at a stranger’s funeral but there’s a real need for them being fulfilled by being there and that relates to emptiness and loneliness.”

A funeral is a private, deeply emotional occasion. These crashers aren’t just there for the food – they want to be immersed in the grief

Angela lectures on business and the ‘dark side’ of personality, at the University of Westminster. She says that funerals are a way for these often isolated, lonely people to become, temporarily, part of a community. “We used to have more established places for people to come together, such as churches, fayres and fetes,” she explains, “but there are less of them now.” She discusses.

“People are being further isolated by technology and more are living alone so funerals are one of the last ways we can pay homage to someone while joining in with others in a social ritual.”

The Grim Eater

A man dubbed the Grim Eater crashed up to four funerals a week and took home food in a doggy bag. Undertakers banned him from attending any more funerals.

“He was showing up to funeral after funeral and, without a doubt, he didn’t know the deceased,” Danny Langstraat from Harbour City Funeral Home, in Wellington, New Zealand, said. But after taking the crasher aside to warn him to stop, the undertakers took a photograph of him and circulated it to all their offices and colleagues. 

Noel McDermott, psychotherapist

Noel McDermott, psychotherapist and international speaker, insists though that going to strangers’ funerals is normal and was only deemed inappropriate by the Victorians who wanted to sanitise death and everything surrounding it. 

“In many cultures it’s still not unusual for an entire town to turn out for a funeral – even though many of the mourners will never have met the deceased,” he explains. “Grieving is what makes us human. In fact, the most defining moment of the human species transitioning from animals is when we began to start decorate public spaces around death and make graves.”

The romance in the morbid

Funerals are emotionally intense and many funeral crashers may crave that raw and deep intimacy and experience, Noel says. 

And there can even be a surprising outcome to all that pent-up emotion – funerals can be highly erotic. “It’s well known that people often hook up at funerals,” he says. “There’s so much talk of death, and so much heightened emotion, that people want to be reminded of their mortality and will often engage in sexual intercourse as a way of reminding themselves they’re alive.”

… her date refused to reveal where he was taking her. Revealing to her only to: ‘wear a black dress and I’ll surprise you.’

One woman, who accidentally found herself crashing a funeral on a first date with a man she met on Tinder, didn’t think it was sexy though. The woman from Leeds whose tweets about the disastrous date went viral, was initially excited when her date refused to reveal where he was taking her. Revealing to her only to: ‘wear a black dress and I’ll surprise you.’ 

Her enthusiasm soon cooled when he picked her up and drove her to a crematorium for his grandmother’s funeral. Explaining how she felt, she explained, “He was holding my hand crying – I couldn’t leave.” Needless to say their romance is now dead. 

Four weddings or a funeral

But there’s no reason why going to a funeral can’t be as enjoyable as going to a wedding, says writer Bridget Whelan. The 63-year-old from Brighton & Hove in Sussex, was brought up in Ireland. She says in Irish culture, funerals are seen as part of the rich tapestry of everyone’s social life. 

“They can be a great social occasion,” Bridget says. “It’s a chance to meet lots of nice people and have some fantastic food and drink. It’s a bit like a wedding, and in Ireland it’s completely normal to go to the funeral of someone you hardly know or have never met. And, if you’re in your 50s or 60s a funeral can be the highlight of your social calendar.” 

“…in Ireland it’s completely normal to go to the funeral of someone you hardly know”

“Everyone knows about the local funerals and everyone comes. Those that attended my father’s funeral included his chiropodist and my mother’s hairdresser. An old school friend of my uncle’s by marriage was there. He had never met my father. Why did he come? Because my uncle had lost a brother in law – that was enough reason.”

Bridget says there’s nothing to be ashamed of by letting people know you didn’t know the deceased. “My advice to anyone thinking of going to a funeral is go,” she insists. “Be honest and say if you didn’t know the deceased well. Explain you heard the news and wanted to let the bereaved know how sorry you were to hear it.”

How to crash a funeral 

We’re absolutely not suggesting you should do this, but if you fancy funeral crashing/showing your respects, then The Other Side of Funerals shares the secrets of how to attend without attracting attention to yourself.

• Dress appropriately.  Black clothing should enable entry to most funeral without a second glance. The key is to fit in without standing out.
• Pre-plan and research.  Read obituary notices – often the family will include all the details you need, from the name of the deceased to the time and location of the service.  You will also be able to work out if there is a wake.
• Act confident. This is perhaps the most important thing – just walk in as though you were meant to [be there].
• Be punctual but not early.  Arriving late gets looks, but so does being the only one in the church as people arrive. However, if you walk in with the crowd then you are just one among many – which is usually 15 minutes before the funeral is due to start. As you enter, sign the condolence book and take an order of service.
• Blend in but don’t just stand about.  Standing about awkwardly will get you noticed and then people are likely to question you. Stand in the crowd and talk to someone. Priests or nuns are good as they are experienced with funerals and are more causal than the average mourner.
• Go in pairs if possible. Being part of a duo is a lot easier than being alone. It will give you someone to talk with freely at the wake and someone to help come up with excuses or ideas if needed.

Read more: Talking to your family about making a will

Karen Pasquali Jones

The post Confessions of the funeral crashers appeared first on Silver Magazine.

International Widows Day (23 June) was created by the United Nations to globally support women who have lost their husbands, and to raise awareness for those left bereaved who face a struggle for basic needs, their human rights and their dignity.

Many widows may find themselves shunned, forced back into unwanted marriages, even losing what little they already have. International Widows Day works to raise awareness of these women’s plights and help step towards better conditions for widows everywhere.

Here in the UK, most of our widows face few of the really extreme issues inherent in many other countries, but losing your lifelong partner is still a terrible, heartrending thing to happen. There are many challenges to face, and coping with bereavement and widowhood is not to be underestimated.

THERESA’S STORY

Theresa lost her husband ten years ago. It was an inevitable event due to his illness, but it still came as a shock. The hardest thing Theresa found about the death itself was Ken’s wish to stop any more treatment for his illnesses. He knew he was dying and didn’t want to fight it any more. Although she found that hard, Theresa had no choice but to accept his decision; but she knew her journey of grief was going to be a bumpy one.

He knew he was dying and didn’t want to fight it any more

“He wanted me to go on and make a new life for myself,” she says. “He told me, ‘don’t stay on your own’. But I knew from the start when we met that I would never love anyone like I loved him, and that’s probably why I’ve never met anyone else.”

It took Theresa almost two years to even think about sorting through Ken’s belongings; she says herself that she didn’t cope with the grief properly. She threw herself back into work hoping to come through the other side, and never spoke to anyone about how she was feeling.

Ken and Theresa on their wedding day

“I was fortunate that I had my son and my three grandchildren – they became my life and my world. I threw myself into doing everything I could for my family; Ken would’ve wanted me to look after them like he would have done.”

The biggest turning point for Theresa was the first time she drove to visit her friends in the next county – a job Ken would always do

After a couple of years, Theresa finally started to do different things. She went on holidays with her family, she started meeting up with her brother for lunches, and she began to see a different side of life, one that wasn’t consumed by grief.

It took six years for Theresa to fully open up to the idea of socialising and meeting up with new people. She began going to shows and dinners with the girls from work, and her social calendar started to grow.

The biggest turning point for Theresa was the first time she drove to visit her friends in the next county – a job Ken would always do. “Driving to visit them on my own for the first time was the biggest thing. Now, I do the three-hour drive to see my granddaughter at university by myself. I’m doing things I never thought I would be able to do.”

While Theresa has now found a fresh perspective and a renewed love for life, it hasn’t always been this easy. After Ken’s passing, her son tried to encourage her to go to bereavement groups, but she felt the pressure of a group was too much. In hindsight, Theresa wishes she could’ve gone to see a bereavement counsellor on a one-to-one basis. She didn’t have the confidence to go to a group, and felt that one-to-one time would’ve made a significant impact on how she coped with the grief.

Going from being in a marriage where they did everything together as a couple, Theresa has now found out that life can still be fun, and that it is possible to do things on your own. While she’s learned this by herself, she says, “I wish I could’ve read a book that said ‘you can go and do things.’ If anyone got me through the loss, it was my son and grandchildren.”

DOROTHY’S STORY

Model, not Dorothy

Dorothy lost her husband 23 years ago, in 1996. It was a completely unexpected loss. She came home from work one day and found her husband laying on the living room floor, and describes the event as “one hell of a shock.” She didn’t return to work for six months after that as the shock proved overwhelming, and she became really ill.

“I lost my confidence, I couldn’t get out of bed, I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to do anything. I just didn’t know how I was going to live without him,” she says. For Dorothy, the biggest help came from her grandchildren. With three toddlers and three new babies in the family, she threw herself into helping out with baby duties. She took them to the beach, helped with babysitting and devoted herself to spending time with them.

For her, it was all about the family, claiming simply that, “the children pulled me through it.” And after a certain amount of time, Dorothy began adjusting to her new life without her lifelong partner. By helping out with her grandchildren, there was a new found purpose, something that had to be done.

I lost my confidence, I couldn’t get out of bed, I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to do anything. I just didn’t know how I was going to live without him

She joined a group with people around her age, which was a massive help in terms of support and socialising. There was ballroom dancing, trips to the moors and group dinner dates. The initial forced socialising is what made Dorothy realise that there was more to life.

As Dorothy herself said, “there’s no point sitting there staring out the window.” She urged the importance of letting your hair down, painting your nails and making yourself feel nice. The rest will come.

Model, not Dorothy

Despite it being 23 years since her husband passed, she said speaking about it now, it feels like only yesterday that she experienced the worst day of her life. But she has come so far since then, with her grandchildren and new friends at the social club giving her a purpose. And Dorothy wants you to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The years go by, and you never fully get over it – you learn to cope.

But how will you be able to live without your partner? How can you possibly come to terms with the grief? You know they wouldn’t want you to be drowning in misery, so our handy guide is here to match Essinger’s tips for enjoying life on your conditions following the loss of a loved one.

TOP TIPS FOR MOVING ON

Step one: acknowledge and accept your grief

Nothing is more important than acknowledging your grief. It’s a crucial part of the healing process; you can’t begin to move on until you know exactly what it is that you’re moving on from. It’s good to note that there is no time frame for this. Acceptance comes naturally after acknowledgment, but this stage can be harder. It’s all too easy to pretend it’s not happening. It can take days, weeks or months, but once you have accepted the loss, you can learn how to deal with it.

Step two: do what you love

Over the years of your marriage, what you loved turned into what you both loved together, and it can be easy to forget what you enjoyed doing before you met. But now is the chance to really find out what it is about life that you enjoy so much. Life doesn’t have to end here. While you may feel guilty for thinking it, it’s a new chapter. It’s time to focus on you, and you alone. Pick up that book, go for that swim, join that group, go on that holiday. Do what you love.

Step three: focus on family and friends

The key thing here is to remember that people love you, and these people usually come in the form of your family and close friends. For both Dorothy and Theresa, spending time with their families and helping out took away some of the pain and reaffirmed the purpose. These are people that are here for you, they need you and they want you to be okay. Remember, you’re all dealing with it at the same time, just in different ways. The important thing is how to support each other in the process.

You may also be interested to read: The Art of Swedish Death Cleaning

Carly Pepperell

Carly gets to do everything under the sun, including writing, editing, taking photos, creating stories, and swanning around at launches. She can down a glass of Prosecco without pausing for breath, and aims to be the youngest Pulitzer winner ever.

The post Facing life as a widow: learning to love living again appeared first on Silver Magazine.

Death and taxes are the only two things you can be sure of in life. Despite that, most of us fear the prospect of dying in one way or another. Enter Swedish death cleaning

Author Margareta Magnusson wrote The Gentle Art of Death Cleaning in 2017. It has nothing to do with vigorous dusting to thrash metal. Death cleaning is a Scandinavian movement brought to us by Magnusson – a first-time author described by herself as ‘somewhere between 80th and 100th birthday’ – who has figured out that facing up to mortality is something that could benefit everyone.

Magnusson’s first line is: “The only thing we know for sure is that one day we will die. But before that, we can do anything.” This is a pretty blunt book, but it’s an accurate one. And, bizarrely enough, it’s a positive one too.

Death cleaning (or ‘Dostadning’, as it’s called in Swedish) is a new and charming approach to putting your life in order before leaving this realm, so that your friends and family won’t have to

Written to act as a simple guide on de-cluttering, reflection and coming to terms with the inevitability of ageing, death cleaning (or ‘Dostadning’, as it’s called in Swedish) is a new and charming approach to putting your life and your home in order before leaving this realm, so that your friends and family won’t have to. But it’s not all about thinking of others – there are some selfish benefits to reap as well.

DECLUTTER – IF NOT ONLY FOR YOUR OWN SAKE

No one feels good in a cluttered house. Hoarding just isn’t good for the soul, and it’s certainly not good for your nearest and dearest when you do pass. Through death cleaning, you’ll streamline your belongings to only those that bring you joy. You’ll only keep the books that you love to read, the clothes that make you feel great. And the bits and bobs that you’ve gathered through life that leave you with a sense of deep happiness.

Hoarding isn’t good for the soul, and it’s certainly not good for your nearest and dearest when you pass

Your home will become a sanctuary that leaves you feeling uplifted and clear-headed. And the knowledge that you’ll be easing the transition for your loved ones when you do pop your clogs really does take a weight off.

Ready to live a life less cluttered? Here’s how to organise your home, for this life and the next, with Swedish death cleaning

Don’t be afraid

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that anything death-related is morbid. But Swedish death cleaning should really be a joyous and freeing act, not a solemn one. It’s brave to face the prospect of your own death head-on. However, you can go at it with a practical mindset and an open attitude. You might even find that you enjoy the process. Talk about what you’re doing with family and friends for an added sense of accountability, and to make it a cathartic experience.

Focus on the things you love

Rather than making this all about throwing out all the rubbish, focus on the things you love when deciding what stays and what goes. This will make choosing the items you wish to keep an easier task. And it will also keep your attention on the positive side of Swedish death cleaning. You’ll feel like you’ve taken a weight off when you drop your bags off at charity shops.

Be committed. Be ruthless

The trick to an effective clear-out is to only keep the things that that you really love. It’s like extreme Kondoing. But also, in the case of Swedish death cleaning, only things that will continue to be loved by others once you’re gone. Big challenge!

In her book, Magnusson writes: “I often ask myself, ‘Will anyone I know be happier if I save this?’.” This is something that you should be asking yourself too; if the answer is no, it’s got to go! Approach the cleaning rationally. And never start with photos or sentimental items, as you may find that you get stuck down memory lane and never get around to throwing anything out at all.

Give gifts, but don’t burden

Giving away some of your treasured but not vital items can be a much kinder thing to do to yourself than sending things away, never to be seen again. It can also be a lovely thing to hand things on in person, rather than writing it into a will and waiting until you’re gone. If you think a friend or family member might adore something you’re getting rid of, offer it to them, but be careful not to push it or burden them with stuff they don’t really want – that kind of defeats the point!

Treat yourself

An important part of Swedish death cleaning is to treat yourself after a good day’s clearing, to keep your joie de vivre aflame. Ideally, make it an activity that’s life-affirming and most definitely fun. Think nude modelling, parachuting or honing a new skill, but steer clear of shopping!

You may also be interested to read: Facing life as a widow and learning to love living again

Ruby Deevoy

The post ‘Swedish death cleaning’. The art of de-cluttering your (after)life appeared first on Silver Magazine.