Losing someone you love can be one of the most difficult experiences you have to go through. Planning their funeral is an important, emotional requirement that can seem especially overwhelming. However, to help you navigate this process, it’s worth taking the time to understand the legal aspects involved in funeral planning.

By having this knowledge, you will know what to do and when. Thus enabling you to carry out everything that you need to while honouring the person you cared about.

Read more: Swedish death cleaning and preparing for your own afterlife

Understanding the legal side of funerals

Planning a funeral involves meeting several legal requirements. These are designed to ensure that the process is smooth and in accordance with the law.

As well as understanding the legal process, it’s important to be aware of changes and developments. For instance, in the last few years we’ve seen changes in the way the Financial Conduct Authority (FCA) regulates pre-paid funeral plans. This type of update can help you to understand the rules and your rights around funerals.

Here’s a guide to some of the key legal aspects:

1. Death registration

It is a legal obligation to register a death within a specific timeframe. In England, Wales and Northern Ireland, this must be done within five days. In Scotland, you have eight days.

To register the death, you’ll need to provide certain documents, including the medical certificate of the cause of death and, if available, the deceased’s birth certificate, marriage or civil partnership certificate, and NHS medical card.

Once you’ve registered their death, you’ll receive a death certificate and a ‘green form’, which is the Certificate for Burial or Cremation, from the registrar. This permits the funeral to proceed, and you’ll need to give the form to the funeral director.

2. Executor’s responsibilities

The executor, who is named in the deceased person’s will, holds the legal authority to manage the estate, which includes arranging the funeral.

Their duties include organising the funeral so that it’s in line with the known wishes of the deceased. They also must manage funeral costs and ensure all legal requirements are met. It’s important to note that while the executor is responsible for funeral arrangements, they must also settle the associated expenses from the estate’s assets.

3. Funeral arrangements

Legally, there is no requirement to hold a funeral in the UK. However, the death must be registered, and the deceased must be buried or cremated. Also, there is no legal requirement to use a coffin for burial or cremation – a shroud or other appropriate covering is acceptable.

When opting for cremation, additional paperwork is necessary, including completing cremation application forms and obtaining medical certificates confirming the cause of death. This applies for all types of cremation services, including unattended cremations.

4. Financial considerations

The executor is legally responsible for ensuring that funeral costs are paid, typically using funds from the deceased’s estate. In cases where the estate lacks sufficient funds, family members may need to contribute to cover the costs.

If the deceased had a pre-paid funeral plan, it’s essential to verify that the provider is authorised by the FCA. This is a regulation that was introduced in 2022 that aims to protect consumers from potential misconduct and ensures that funeral funds are managed appropriately.

5. Disputes and legal challenges

Disagreements can occur among family members regarding funeral arrangements. This is a highly emotional time and it’s understandable that there may be some discord. Especially if the wishes of the person who has passed were not explicitly documented while they were alive.

While funeral wishes expressed in a will are not legally binding, they do provide clear guidance. So it’s typical to follow these wishes. Therefore, in situations where this has not happened and in the case of disputes that cannot be resolved amicably, it may be necessary to seek legal advice or court intervention to determine the appropriate course of action.

Understanding the legal aspects of funeral planning is essential. This ensures that all procedures are carried out lawfully and respectfully. By familiarising yourself with what’s legally required, you can work through the funeral arrangements effectively and focus on celebrating the life of the person you cared for.

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The post What are the legal aspects of funeral planning? appeared first on Silver Magazine.

Straightening her best black jacket, Cheryl Johnson files past the coffin, pausing outside the church to read the wreath cards. She offers her sincerest condolences to the widow and her two daughters. Then promises to join them at the local gastro pub for a lunch buffet and to raise a toast to the dearly departed. 

She has never met the dead man, and only found out about his cremation through the local paper’s obituaries

Cheryl, 69, tucks into a sausage roll at the wake and sips on her second glass of wine. She nods at the fond memories being shared about the deceased by his grieving family and friends. They have no idea this well-dressed grandmother-of-two is nursing a grave secret. She has never met the dead man, and only found out about his cremation through the local paper’s obituaries. 

That’s because Cheryl is a funeral crasher, and this is the sixth stranger’s funeral she’s been to this month.

“It might sound strange, but funerals are a wonderful day out,” she says. “You get to meet new people, dress up, and there’s usually some fantastic food. It’s very much like a wedding with a celebratory atmosphere after all the emotion. Everyone wants to remember and celebrate the dead person’s life and they just assume that I knew them too. It’s never awkward.”

“I started doing this after a spell of funerals when members of family and a few friends died. I realised when there hadn’t been a funeral for a couple of months that I missed the company and having a reason to socialise.” She explains. 

“I’m not being disrespectful. I’m honouring the dead by being there to celebrate their life. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know them. I’m helping to give them a good send off.”

Swedish Death Cleaning – are you prepared for your own death?

Women in black

Surprisingly, Cheryl is not alone. Theresa Doyle was caught going to several funerals a day around Slough and Berkshire, whilst ‘pilfering dead men’s sandwiches’. 

Outraged mourners complained that the 65-year-old carries a black funeral outfit to change into, before going into church. She tags along to the wake and helps herself to heaps of food. Even bringing Tupperware containers along to take some home, and put in her freezer. 

Mrs Doyle, who’s a funeral crasher of over 14 years, has even been accused of inventing stories about how she knows the deceased.

… the 65-year-old carries a black funeral outfit to change into. She tags along to the wake and helps herself to heaps of food

After crashing Margaret Whitehead’s daughter Catherine’s funeral, the pensioner said that she’d worked with Catherine as a waitress. “There were a lot of people at the funeral from Catherine’s work so I just assumed she was a colleague,” the distraught mother said. “But my daughter was never a waitress.”

“She [Doyle] was eating from the buffet like there was no tomorrow. At the end of the wake she took out a Tupperware box, filled it up with food and cycled off with it in the basket on her bicycle. She intrudes on people when they are upset and sad.” Margaret says.

Funeral crasher psychology

Psychologist Angela Mansi (CORR) identifies funeral crashers as ‘emotional vampires’. They suck up the energy and drama of the real mourners at the ceremony.

“There is clearly something missing from their own lives,” she says. “A funeral is a private, deeply emotional occasion. These crashers aren’t just there for the food – they want to be immersed in the grief and be around people who are mourning a loved one. 

“They are an observer at a stranger’s funeral but there’s a real need for them being fulfilled by being there and that relates to emptiness and loneliness.”

A funeral is a private, deeply emotional occasion. These crashers aren’t just there for the food – they want to be immersed in the grief

Angela lectures on business and the ‘dark side’ of personality, at the University of Westminster. She says that funerals are a way for these often isolated, lonely people to become, temporarily, part of a community. “We used to have more established places for people to come together, such as churches, fayres and fetes,” she explains, “but there are less of them now.” She discusses.

“People are being further isolated by technology and more are living alone so funerals are one of the last ways we can pay homage to someone while joining in with others in a social ritual.”

The Grim Eater

A man dubbed the Grim Eater crashed up to four funerals a week and took home food in a doggy bag. Undertakers banned him from attending any more funerals.

“He was showing up to funeral after funeral and, without a doubt, he didn’t know the deceased,” Danny Langstraat from Harbour City Funeral Home, in Wellington, New Zealand, said. But after taking the crasher aside to warn him to stop, the undertakers took a photograph of him and circulated it to all their offices and colleagues. 

Noel McDermott, psychotherapist

Noel McDermott, psychotherapist and international speaker, insists though that going to strangers’ funerals is normal and was only deemed inappropriate by the Victorians who wanted to sanitise death and everything surrounding it. 

“In many cultures it’s still not unusual for an entire town to turn out for a funeral – even though many of the mourners will never have met the deceased,” he explains. “Grieving is what makes us human. In fact, the most defining moment of the human species transitioning from animals is when we began to start decorate public spaces around death and make graves.”

The romance in the morbid

Funerals are emotionally intense and many funeral crashers may crave that raw and deep intimacy and experience, Noel says. 

And there can even be a surprising outcome to all that pent-up emotion – funerals can be highly erotic. “It’s well known that people often hook up at funerals,” he says. “There’s so much talk of death, and so much heightened emotion, that people want to be reminded of their mortality and will often engage in sexual intercourse as a way of reminding themselves they’re alive.”

… her date refused to reveal where he was taking her. Revealing to her only to: ‘wear a black dress and I’ll surprise you.’

One woman, who accidentally found herself crashing a funeral on a first date with a man she met on Tinder, didn’t think it was sexy though. The woman from Leeds whose tweets about the disastrous date went viral, was initially excited when her date refused to reveal where he was taking her. Revealing to her only to: ‘wear a black dress and I’ll surprise you.’ 

Her enthusiasm soon cooled when he picked her up and drove her to a crematorium for his grandmother’s funeral. Explaining how she felt, she explained, “He was holding my hand crying – I couldn’t leave.” Needless to say their romance is now dead. 

Four weddings or a funeral

But there’s no reason why going to a funeral can’t be as enjoyable as going to a wedding, says writer Bridget Whelan. The 63-year-old from Brighton & Hove in Sussex, was brought up in Ireland. She says in Irish culture, funerals are seen as part of the rich tapestry of everyone’s social life. 

“They can be a great social occasion,” Bridget says. “It’s a chance to meet lots of nice people and have some fantastic food and drink. It’s a bit like a wedding, and in Ireland it’s completely normal to go to the funeral of someone you hardly know or have never met. And, if you’re in your 50s or 60s a funeral can be the highlight of your social calendar.” 

“…in Ireland it’s completely normal to go to the funeral of someone you hardly know”

“Everyone knows about the local funerals and everyone comes. Those that attended my father’s funeral included his chiropodist and my mother’s hairdresser. An old school friend of my uncle’s by marriage was there. He had never met my father. Why did he come? Because my uncle had lost a brother in law – that was enough reason.”

Bridget says there’s nothing to be ashamed of by letting people know you didn’t know the deceased. “My advice to anyone thinking of going to a funeral is go,” she insists. “Be honest and say if you didn’t know the deceased well. Explain you heard the news and wanted to let the bereaved know how sorry you were to hear it.”

How to crash a funeral 

We’re absolutely not suggesting you should do this, but if you fancy funeral crashing/showing your respects, then The Other Side of Funerals shares the secrets of how to attend without attracting attention to yourself.

• Dress appropriately.  Black clothing should enable entry to most funeral without a second glance. The key is to fit in without standing out.
• Pre-plan and research.  Read obituary notices – often the family will include all the details you need, from the name of the deceased to the time and location of the service.  You will also be able to work out if there is a wake.
• Act confident. This is perhaps the most important thing – just walk in as though you were meant to [be there].
• Be punctual but not early.  Arriving late gets looks, but so does being the only one in the church as people arrive. However, if you walk in with the crowd then you are just one among many – which is usually 15 minutes before the funeral is due to start. As you enter, sign the condolence book and take an order of service.
• Blend in but don’t just stand about.  Standing about awkwardly will get you noticed and then people are likely to question you. Stand in the crowd and talk to someone. Priests or nuns are good as they are experienced with funerals and are more causal than the average mourner.
• Go in pairs if possible. Being part of a duo is a lot easier than being alone. It will give you someone to talk with freely at the wake and someone to help come up with excuses or ideas if needed.

Read more: Talking to your family about making a will

Karen Pasquali Jones

The post Confessions of the funeral crashers appeared first on Silver Magazine.

If you were to die tomorrow, how would your admin look? What would it be like for your next of kin coming in and sorting out your affairs? Talking about death and what happens next doesn’t sound like fun but you can save your loved ones a lot of aggro.

We believed he’d be home after about a week in hospital, and planned accordingly

My father died in February – ironically not from Covid, although he spent most of his time in hospital during the hideous second wave. He died from complications following heart surgery, something nobody was expecting.

Prior to the op, he’d had plenty of consultations. Was deemed a good risk, even at 79. Overall health pretty good – just a dodgy ticker that would probably kill him if it wasn’t fixed. So we went for it.

Heart conditions are very much part of his family side; his brother literally dropped dead at home with a heart attack three years ago, his mother years before at the same age. We didn’t want the same for pa. We believed he’d be home after about a week in hospital, and planned accordingly.

The best laid plans…

It’s not irony but tragedy that the operation to fix his heart was itself a success, because what happened in the four or five months after that was nothing short of a living nightmare. He developed pneumonia, suffered kidney trauma, became delirious and incoherent, suffering terrible hallucinations. During his more lucid moments he said it was Kafkaesque.

We have no way of knowing how much he was aware of throughout this entire experience, because we weren’t allowed to see him

The pneumonia led to coughing, he cracked open his sternum and went back into theatre. He contracted a superbug infection that took microbiology some time to find. And just when we thought we were over the hump, he had a massive internal bleed, necessitating some four or five further operations. He spent weeks on a ventilator, getting weaker and weaker. Jesus, but the NHS staff were just extraordinary, humbling, during those days. Those people are angels.

We have no way of knowing how much he was aware of throughout this entire experience, because we weren’t allowed to see him for much of it. And when we could, he was bonkers. It was heart-breaking. He knew how much we loved him, that’s about all I can take out of this. I know he knew. It’s some small comfort.

Prior planning…

I tell you all this, not because this is a story about his medical journey. But it’s a warning to anyone and everyone.

Death can lurk around the corner and lurch out, scythe in hand, when least expected. And you need to ask yourself – if you died tomorrow, what kind of job would you leave behind for your loved ones?

How would your admin look? Could anyone get into your emails, your phone, your laptop, your house even?! Having just been through weeks of dealing with my lovely dad’s ‘sadmin’, I’m going to talk you through some of the things to think about.

Think ahead…

As a family, before Dad went into hospital, we made plans that were awkward to discuss but for which I will be forever grateful. A surreal brunch with him and some sisters at mine, we talked about his will, and he organised a Lasting Power of Attorney for a couple of us.

I can’t say it was a comfortable conversation, but I can say that I was grateful for it a number of times. Do this.

We talked through his funeral plans, and discussed under what situations he would not want to be resuscitated (and you will often need a PoA to be able to make that decision for someone else, by the way). We even went through where he wanted his ashes scattered.

I followed it all up in an email so the other sisters could see, and we all knew what the plan was, should the worst happen. As we’re quite a large family, having that clarity was brilliant, and even more valuable further down the line. We never disagreed about what should happen, we knew what he wanted. I can’t say it was a comfortable conversation, but I can say that I was grateful for it a number of times. Do this.

The initial hit…

We were able to be with Dad when he died, and it was – as far as these things can be – rather lovely. He just left, no struggle, and I am SO grateful for that. We all held him and said goodbye and cried around his bed in a private room, and thank you Royal Sussex County Hospital for that. The hospital was like the bloody Somme at that time, Covids stacked in every conceivable space, everyone exhausted pulling double shifts, and yet they never made us feel like he was in the way of a bigger problem. God love them forever for that.

But as soon as we stepped back from the bed, there was admin. Check his belongings, did we have his watch, his iPad and phone, have we got all his clothes, his books he planned to read, any cash he’d brought in? What happens to his body? Astoundingly, through nearly four months of being in hospital and staying in six different wards and three different ICUs, we had everything. I blindly signed the release form and took the paperwork and his little suitcase of bits. All I could take in at that stage was the nurse saying, ‘everything you need to do next is in this booklet, don’t worry about it now’. I figured I would read it later.

The next stages…

So the next bit is registering the death, and that was actually really easy during lockdown. It was all online and on the ‘phone, but usually you’ll have to go to the registry office. I expect most local authorities have slightly different systems, but the nurse was true to her word – it was all in the booklet.

There were immediate things to pay, like the garage where his car had been having work done; his cleaner and so on. Before he went into hospital he told me he’d taken out a load of cash for exactly this eventuality and hidden it in a book on his bookshelf. Could I remember which bloody book?

So imagine my joy when I rooted through his wallet and found a receipt for cash withdrawal, and just the words ‘Dog’s Medical Dictionary’ on it in his writing. I laughed, and then I cried. Clever Dad.

Anyway, I digress. So – register the death, and make sure you get a few copies of the Death Certificate, you need to provide those to a fair few organisations. And advise banks and building societies as quickly as possible. It can take a while to get those locked and then released again, and there may be Probate to worry about too.

Getting in…

So let’s start with passwords, because I quickly found that this was the key to getting into most things. For example, without being able to open his laptop or iPad it would have been way harder to get his email. Also, being able to use his laptop meant that a lot of passwords were stored in his browser, so we could get into other sites – like his online banking, for example, or his food ordering.

Getting into his email was invaluable – firstly for contacting friends etc – but also for resetting passwords we couldn’t find or work out.

He’d emailed me before he went into hospital with the most important passwords – laptop, iPad, some PINs for bank cards – and this made getting into everything else much easier. And yes, I know that’s not exactly secure. But as a 79-year-old man, he wasn’t quite there with keychains.

Think also about passwords that aren’t directly about money – we found loads as we went along, for example; Netflix, Paypal, magazine subscriptions, even the audio system in the car. Many of these were handwritten in his filing (more about that below), but there were odd ones we never got to.

There are secure ways of sharing passwords with family, and there’s a good roundup of some of the best password managers here on UK PC Mag.

If you want to share your passwords or login credentials with family but you’re really struggling with technology, I guess the most secure way might be good old-fashioned pen and paper, kept somewhere safe. Possibly with a solicitor. And as long as you’ve got two people you trust, share this information with both of them. Then there’s accountability, and not just one person in charge of all your stuff. (Don’t hold me to this, incidentally, I’m not giving actionable advice here! I’m just saying make sure someone can get through your gates somehow. How you do it is up to you!)

Things to do ahead…

Nobody wants to think about dying, but it will happen to you. Death and taxes, etc. At the age of 51 I’ve already started putting plans into action for my daughter. You never know, hey? I could be hit by a piece of rocket falling back to Earth one day.

Set up a Power of Attorney, again, preferably with two people. And for goodness’ sake make a will! Having a will, and being a named executor – as well as being named next of kin – made life SO MUCH easier for me after Dad died.

There’s a really good service called Tell Us Once which informs lots of the official places of a death. These include pensions department, local authorities, some utilities, passport office, DVLA and so on. It can save a LOT of time, but the service requires information like driving licence number, passport number, National Insurance number and so on. So make sure someone can get to all those.

Declutter before you die – Swedish Death Cleaning 

Filing…

Which brings me neatly to the next bit. Paperwork.

I got lucky with Dad – he was a tidy and organised man with a (slightly obsessive) passion for filing. So when I sat at his desk and opened his filing cabinet, everything was there. Neatly filed in date order, labelled and tagged. His utility bills, bank statements, correspondence – all tagged and tabbed. All his car stuff, log book, MOT details, insurance details etc. Amazing.

I have piles of paperwork everywhere, in no discernible order. I don’t even open envelopes half the time.

He also had a book with useful phone numbers in – the cleaner, the gardener, friends and relatives and so on. That was really useful.

It made me realise what an utterly ghastly experience the same job would be for my daughter. I have piles of paperwork everywhere, in no discernible order. I don’t even open envelopes half the time.

So maybe think about that? I think about it… I even bought a filing cabinet and some folders and tags. I’m getting there, if you’re reading this, daughter mine.

Pretty much everything we needed to deal with was in his filing. I’m not going to talk about stuff like personal correspondence and belongings today, but obviously have a think about those too. The only thing we were never able to find was his passport, weirdly. I know he will have hidden it somewhere clever, but I never found it.

Other bits to consider…

Things that popped out for us included some stocks and shares he held that we didn’t know about; random things like a fully hosted website and ecommerce setup (!); a few other odds and sods. So jot those down as you go along, and add them to the overall picture.

Also, I got his post diverted to my house for three months which was a great move, because there were lots of things that cropped up in that. Memberships, TV license that needed cancelling, birthday cards from friends who didn’t know he’d died and so on. It’s extraordinary how long that went on for, things popping out of the woodwork.

Finally…

There’s obviously a lot more to talk about when someone dies – what happens to the house, the belongings; what you should take, what you can donate, what goes in a clearance. Also the funeral arrangements and so on. It’s all heart-wrenching stuff, but you get through it, and these things are much more in your control.

But it’s making sure your loved ones can get into the early admin stuff that helps make this all smoother. It’s hard enough losing someone you love without endless barriers and hurdles to overcome, just to get the admin sorted out. So find a way to make that part easier for them.

And whilst you’re at it, have a look in your loft!

If you’re affected by anything in this article, contact Cruse Bereavement Care
Dying Matters Awareness Week 10-16 May 2021

Sam Harrington-Lowe

Sam is Silver’s founder and editor-in-chief. She’s largely responsible for organising all the things, but still finds time to do the odd bit of writing. Not enough though. Send help.

The post Death and what happens next. Have you made plans? appeared first on Silver Magazine.

Death and taxes are the only two things you can be sure of in life. Despite that, most of us fear the prospect of dying in one way or another. Enter Swedish death cleaning

Author Margareta Magnusson wrote The Gentle Art of Death Cleaning in 2017. It has nothing to do with vigorous dusting to thrash metal. Death cleaning is a Scandinavian movement brought to us by Magnusson – a first-time author described by herself as ‘somewhere between 80th and 100th birthday’ – who has figured out that facing up to mortality is something that could benefit everyone.

Magnusson’s first line is: “The only thing we know for sure is that one day we will die. But before that, we can do anything.” This is a pretty blunt book, but it’s an accurate one. And, bizarrely enough, it’s a positive one too.

Death cleaning (or ‘Dostadning’, as it’s called in Swedish) is a new and charming approach to putting your life in order before leaving this realm, so that your friends and family won’t have to

Written to act as a simple guide on de-cluttering, reflection and coming to terms with the inevitability of ageing, death cleaning (or ‘Dostadning’, as it’s called in Swedish) is a new and charming approach to putting your life and your home in order before leaving this realm, so that your friends and family won’t have to. But it’s not all about thinking of others – there are some selfish benefits to reap as well.

DECLUTTER – IF NOT ONLY FOR YOUR OWN SAKE

No one feels good in a cluttered house. Hoarding just isn’t good for the soul, and it’s certainly not good for your nearest and dearest when you do pass. Through death cleaning, you’ll streamline your belongings to only those that bring you joy. You’ll only keep the books that you love to read, the clothes that make you feel great. And the bits and bobs that you’ve gathered through life that leave you with a sense of deep happiness.

Hoarding isn’t good for the soul, and it’s certainly not good for your nearest and dearest when you pass

Your home will become a sanctuary that leaves you feeling uplifted and clear-headed. And the knowledge that you’ll be easing the transition for your loved ones when you do pop your clogs really does take a weight off.

Ready to live a life less cluttered? Here’s how to organise your home, for this life and the next, with Swedish death cleaning

Don’t be afraid

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that anything death-related is morbid. But Swedish death cleaning should really be a joyous and freeing act, not a solemn one. It’s brave to face the prospect of your own death head-on. However, you can go at it with a practical mindset and an open attitude. You might even find that you enjoy the process. Talk about what you’re doing with family and friends for an added sense of accountability, and to make it a cathartic experience.

Focus on the things you love

Rather than making this all about throwing out all the rubbish, focus on the things you love when deciding what stays and what goes. This will make choosing the items you wish to keep an easier task. And it will also keep your attention on the positive side of Swedish death cleaning. You’ll feel like you’ve taken a weight off when you drop your bags off at charity shops.

Be committed. Be ruthless

The trick to an effective clear-out is to only keep the things that that you really love. It’s like extreme Kondoing. But also, in the case of Swedish death cleaning, only things that will continue to be loved by others once you’re gone. Big challenge!

In her book, Magnusson writes: “I often ask myself, ‘Will anyone I know be happier if I save this?’.” This is something that you should be asking yourself too; if the answer is no, it’s got to go! Approach the cleaning rationally. And never start with photos or sentimental items, as you may find that you get stuck down memory lane and never get around to throwing anything out at all.

Give gifts, but don’t burden

Giving away some of your treasured but not vital items can be a much kinder thing to do to yourself than sending things away, never to be seen again. It can also be a lovely thing to hand things on in person, rather than writing it into a will and waiting until you’re gone. If you think a friend or family member might adore something you’re getting rid of, offer it to them, but be careful not to push it or burden them with stuff they don’t really want – that kind of defeats the point!

Treat yourself

An important part of Swedish death cleaning is to treat yourself after a good day’s clearing, to keep your joie de vivre aflame. Ideally, make it an activity that’s life-affirming and most definitely fun. Think nude modelling, parachuting or honing a new skill, but steer clear of shopping!

You may also be interested to read: Facing life as a widow and learning to love living again

Ruby Deevoy

The post ‘Swedish death cleaning’. The art of de-cluttering your (after)life appeared first on Silver Magazine.