Dying with dignity on your own terms has historically usually meant a trip to Switzerland. But there is an alternative for those who want some control over their ending. Meet the ‘Living Will’.

To some, death can be a scary concept. However, for many people, the thought of being kept alive in a state where you are unable to move, communicate, and/or recognise yourself and loved ones can be equally or even more terrifying.

…if ending your days on this planet hooked up to a ventilator, feeding tube, or oxygen mask isn’t something you’d choose, there is something you can do about it

There are a number of conditions that can affect your brain and body, including dementia, degenerative diseases, or those that affect the central nervous system, such as motor neurone disease. People with terminal illnesses like cancer can also end up having their lives prolonged way past the point anybody would wish.

There are also traumas, such as a catastrophic brain injury, car accident and so on. You get the picture. Any or all of these could leave you in a state where life is never going to improve, but you’re kept alive because that’s the law.

But if ending your days on this planet hooked up to a ventilator, feeding tube, or oxygen mask isn’t something you’d choose, there is something you can do about it.

Read more: Swedish death cleaning – get your affairs in order before you die

Have you heard of a Living Will?

Many people are unaware of Living Wills. In fact, according to a  2020 report, only 13% of UK adults have a written Living Will.

It’s also a good idea to discuss your options with healthcare professionals

A Living Will, also known as an ‘advanced decision’, is a form that allows you to refuse medical treatment if you do not wish to have it in the future.

It is legally binding in England, Wales and Northern Ireland, and allows you to outline your treatment choices to your family, carers, and health professionals if you don’t have the mental capacity or are unable to communicate your wishes yourself. You plan this in advance, when you’re still fit and able. And it’s logged, ready to be activated when you can no longer advocate for yourself.

This means today you could protect the future you from having to endure the indignity of being helpless whilst you genuinely just wait to die.

It might sound brutal, but people may opt for a Living Will for many reasons, including:

– Not wanting their life artificially prolonged
– Want to make it easier for their family
– Wanting to be prepared and in control of their own choice
– Been diagnosed with a serious illness

How does this all work?

Whilst there are several ways to set something like this in motion (ask your solicitor), Compassion in Dying is the UK’s most recommended and trustworthy Living Will service provider.

Their main goal is to improve the dying experience in the UK by allowing people to take charge of how they want to end their lives.

To be clear; this is NOT the same as euthanasia. The refusal of treatment is not the same as asking someone to help you end your life.

Euthanasia and assisted suicide are the acts of deliberately ending a person’s life to relieve their suffering. They are illegal under British law. However, creating a Living Will allows you to make your own choices ahead of time, and is perfectly legal.

How to set it up

With a step-by-step guide, Compassion in Dying has helpfully made it easy. You must be over the age of eighteen and have the mental capacity to make a Living Will.

Their service includes a card, which you carry with you, a bit like the old organ donor cards

What should I think about?

Consider the circumstances where you’d want to be able to opt out of living if you could. Getting diagnosed with a terminal illness, for example, being catastrophically injured and left helpless or catatonic. But think also about the lives of those who care about you. It’s a journey that you and the loved ones surrounding you will face together, so it’s important to discuss this with them too.

It’s also a good idea to discuss your options with healthcare professionals. Explore the risks and benefits of different treatments that are available in the future, and consider what refusing treatments can mean.

In the end, your decision is yours and should be respected. If you have the mental capacity to think about how you want to be treated or not, then you should have the right to do so.

“What matters most is ensuring my family don’t have to make hard decisions about me and my health.”
Compassion in Dying

Elena Harris

Elena is one of Silver’s interns. She has a love for illustrating, reading, and all things media-related. She is a self-proclaimed coffee connoisseur who spends her free time in coffee shops sketching and journalling.

The post Dying with dignity: choosing your own exit strategy appeared first on Silver Magazine.

Want to reconnect with your roots? Or has one of those ancestry kit advertisements finally caught your eye? There are so many seeds of inspiration which may lead you to start looking for your family tree. 

Family history is always something which has intrigued me. Coming from a dual nationality household has always allowed for interesting developments to appear. The twisted branches lead to the uprooting of family secrets, maybe you have a mysterious great aunt? You will never know until you start your family tree.  

So how do you start your family tree? 

Adelaide Augusta Clark (Layfield) (1876-1972). She was the daughter of a sea captain from Hartlepool, and is one of my great-great grandparents.

Talk to family 

One of the best places to start is by talking to your surrounding family members. Which will, I’m sure, lead to stories as you start to gather names, dates, and places.  

Online ancestry websites 

Using online tools such as the Ancestry DNA website will aid you remarkably, even with a hefty price tag. Having these resources make it easier to gather documents, certificates etc, granting you access to what is effectively a historical online archive. If you don’t want to make researching your family tree a costly endeavor, census records are a great place to start, and can be accessed via The National Archives.  

Online communities 

There are communities online of genealogy forums, filled with people in the same position as you. Through speaking to others in the ‘family tree’ community you could unravel a plethora of tips and tricks to aid you in your own research. 

Groups include Ancestry DNA, Ancestry for All and DNA Help for Genealogy UK.

If you’re looking to dig deeper into historical contexts or streamline your research with advanced technology, try an AI history solver – Edubrain.ai. This tool offers automated assistance in connecting historical facts, events, and familial ties, helping you uncover stories and patterns in your lineage with precision and efficiency.

In-person resources 

You do not have to do all your research online. Local libraries are a fantastic starting point, as they contain historical information on the local area, along with photograph and microfilm collections. National Archives are also brilliant resources, containing thousands of comprehensive records and collections of photographs and letters. 

Why should you work on your very own family tree?

Sense of duty and passion 

Pouring hours into ‘watering’ your tree provides a profound sense of duty and passion, not only is it a fun hobby to keep you preoccupied on a rainy day, but your work is something which can be kept for generations to come. It’s your own family archive to pass forward generationally. They pass on memories of loved ones, but also protect and unearth the hidden lives of everyone before you. This forever growing tree will continue long after you’re gone. Just as it did for every ancestor before you. Weirdly I think that’s pretty beautiful.  

Wider historical understanding 

Gazing back at history allows you to place your family’s history within the broader context of historical events. In turn, enhancing historical understanding and highlighting the impacts historical events had on your relatives.  

The pair on the left are my great grandparents Wilfred Furness Layfield (1901-1946) and Freda Hinchcliffe (1902- 1969) at 1920s wedding. Wilfred served in the WW2 Royal Ordinance Corps.

Self-reflection and identity

Growing your family tree from something so small to one vast and magnificant allows for self-reflection. It has the potential to impact your sense of personal identity, and even your social class and ethnicity. 

Recognition of comfort  

 Looking back at historical struggles, and obstacles faced by relatives provides a sense of comfort. Life continues, and ultimately history is there for us to learn from. I think this has genuinely helped me recognise my current privileges and the comfort which surrounds me. 

Family closure 

Closure may be another reason why people choose to work on their family tree, whilst this may not apply to all, healing family drama and settling potentially distressing information can truly lead to peace of mind.  

Health and preventions 

Continuing on a serious note, family trees can lead to vital information regarding health and genetics coming to the forefront. This crucial information has the potential to provide insight into genetic conditions, allowing for better health management and preventative measures to best protect you and your loved ones.  

Family trees can lead to potentially vital information regarding health and genetics coming to the forefront

My personal experience

Luigi Poderico (1608-1675) Naples, Italy. My very great grandfather, who was a Knight of the Military Order of Calatrava,  and a governor and captain general of Galicia. He commanded the Spanish troops against the Portuguese as part of the Portuguese Restoration War . There is a square dedicated to him in Naples, Italy.

One Christmas my grandma waltzed into the living room, declaring that for the past six weeks she had been tirelessly laboring on ancestrydna.co.uk to create a family tree for the British side of my family. Somehow tracing my family tree’s roots back to the 9th century, an impressive feat.  

In a folder now lies hundreds of documents, birth, marriage, and death certificates, each one telling a small piece of someone’s story. I think it’s fascinating to imagine the lives of those who lived several hundred years before us. Their struggles, love, hopes and dreams all condensed to names on a tree.

Thomas Furness Layfield (1872-1937) North Yorkshire, England, another great-great-grandparent

Another article you may enjoy: Brace, brace! Preparing for your grandchildren coming

I am one of those people who the DNA testing kit adverts did indeed get to, and for my birthday several years ago I ended up treating myself to one. My results were exactly what I was expecting, 50 percent both Italian and English, so this told me nothing new. However, one of the main features of the DNA kits is that it automatically connects you to ancestors and relatives who are still alive and have also taken the test.

According to this 23 and Me DNA kit, I have 1500 currently alive relatives who have taken the test, including a second cousin whose existence I was not aware of until forking out £100 for the kit.

This immediately expanded my family tree drastically, showing me family members (although extremely distant), who now live in America, Brazil, and Australia. Although this method of researching your family lineage doesn’t really help you uproot and uncover historical secrets, it still provides further excitement as you watch your family tree branch out to unimaginable heights.

Something else surprisingly fun regarding these DNA kits is that it tells you how ‘Neanderthal’ you are. I am less than 2 percent Neanderthal which apparently, is low. So I’ll take that. 

Now off you go! Get to work on your very own family tree, or cut to the chase quickly, and purchase a DNA testing kit… if you haven’t already. 

Isabella Poderico

Overly enthusiastic and obsessed with everything a little nerdy, Isabella has written about everything from movie premieres to politics. She can often be found, as many writers often are, sitting in front of her laptop typing away obsessively in an extortionately priced independent coffee shop.

The post Family history – how to start on your family tree appeared first on Silver Magazine.

And while it’s often only associated with the common hot flashes and mood swings, menopause can also bring a plethora of physical changes with it, that may catch many of us off guard. Here are ten of the most common physical symptoms the menopause brings and how to navigate them with grace and knowledge.

1.   Lovely night sweats

Ah, yes, we’re starting with the dreaded night sweats. The menopause often brings on sudden and intense episodes of sweating during sleep, leaving a lot of us quite drenched and, well, frustrated. You can combat those nocturnal heat waves by wearing moisture-wicking sleepwear, keeping your bedroom nice and cool – and practicing relaxation techniques before bedtime.

2.   Uncomfortable vaginal dryness

Because of our drastically declining oestrogen levels, you might develop a vaginal dryness and resulting discomfort. To be able to keep up intercourse with your partner without it becoming stressful or even hurting, make sure you have water-based lubricants handy, are staying hydrated – and maybe even discuss hormone replacement therapy options with your GP.

3.   Hair loss and thinning

A lot of us notice changes in our hair texture and density, too – often leading to unwanted hair loss and thinning. As our hair is quite a large part of our appearance, this can be especially frustrating and lead to insecurities. Nourishing, hydrating shampoos and conditioners are important, as is avoiding harsh styling treatments. There are also hair vitamins specifically designed for women available; and if you’re unsure, ask your dermatologist for more personalised advice.

4.   Wild skin changes

Menopause can wreak havoc on our skins, too, causing dryness, wrinkles, and age spots. Make sure to moisturise daily, wear sunscreen religiously (we can’t stress this enough) and incorporate more antioxidant-rich foods into your diet – like berries, nuts, and vegetables such as broccoli or spinach.

5.   Joint pain

Well, it’s getting clearer now that our whole body is affected, isn’t it? Hormonal fluctuations can exacerbate joint pain and stiffness, making everyday activities a sudden challenge. Low-impact exercises like swimming and yoga (and remember, no better date to start than now!), but also applying heat or cold packs to sore area are excellent ways to counter this.

6.   Digestive issues

Of course, our organs have something to say, too. Bloating, constipation, and gas are common complaints due to our hormonal imbalances. A fibre-rich diet, staying hydrated, and practicing mindful eating habits will help sooth your body.

7.   Breast changes

Our breasts might change as well – be it breast size, density, and sensitivity – causing discomfort and not uncommonly anxiety in some women. Always stay breast-aware by performing regular self-exams, wearing supportive bras, and seeking medical attention if you notice any unusual lumps or changes.

8.   Headaches, of all things

Of course, why wouldn’t we get headaches out of this! Solutions here are the same as they’ve always been: Hydration, stress-relief techniques like meditation and deep breathing help, as well as avoiding known triggers such as caffeine or alcohol.

9.   Dizziness and vertigo

Interestingly (and annoyingly), menopause-related hormonal change can also somehow affect the inner ear, leading to feelings of dizziness and vertigo. Stay steady on your feet by practicing balance exercises, avoiding sudden movements, and consulting an ear, nose, and throat specialist if your symptoms persist.

10.  Draining fatigue

And last but not least, it often brings on bouts of fatigue and lethargy, leaving a lot of us feeling drained and depleted at times. Make sure to prioritise your sleep, maintain a balanced diet, and incorporate regular physical activity into your routine.

That’s quite a handful, isn’t it? Well, lucky for us, a lot of the symptoms on the list can be tackled with similar approaches. Knowing and applying those self-care strategies may even be enough to shut some of them away for good, before they even happen. Remember, you are not alone on this journey, and there are plenty of us that can help and support and a myriad of resources out there. These are most common physical symptoms the menopause brings but everyone is different. You got this!

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The post 10 of the physical symptoms the menopause brings appeared first on Silver Magazine.

“It was like I’d stopped driving for a decade or something,” she said. “My feet on the pedals were all clumsy and I kept forgetting to check my mirrors. And each time I made a mistake I lost a bit more confidence.”

Jane stopped driving out of choice, but it’s not always like that. It might be that you’ve been forced into a break from driving by illness or injury. Maybe taken up a remote working job which doesn’t require you to drive anywhere for months on end. Whatever the reason, a spell away can result in a loss of confidence. Driving can feel daunting, where once it felt natural.

So, how can we deal with this problem?

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Some people associate the mystic – or at least its trappings – with a faltering grasp on reality. They detect a pompous, cargo-cult priest class, peddling a proxy for psychological insight and wisdom. 

Not to mention a wardrobe chosen as much to conceal self-indulgence and consequent harsh physical truths as to celebrate the Feminine Divine. All in all, a retreat for those who find reality just a tiny bit too fractured and thorny. 

I would demur. In its place, and in the right doses, a drop of the mystic is just what the warlock ordered. And what modern humans – brutally uprooted from their forest glade only five evolutionary minutes ago – long for. A little moonshine can provide genuine solace. 

Daughter of the moon

My daughter Matilda turned 18 last April, which was odd, as I could swear she was being lifted out of car seats and dropped into a sling around my neck only last week. I still have the stoop, and the stains on my tie. 

Her room is as she left it, as though it were a shrine to a tragic teenager in a public information film

Now, she has disappeared off on her “gap” year, to “travel” in Vietnam and “work” in Australia. Absurd. 

Her room is as she left it, as though it were a shrine to a tragic teenager in a public information film about stranger danger, rather than a rentable asset that could offset the fuel crisis.

My wife, who was used to seeing her daughter daily over the breakfast bar, laundering her smalls, and hosting her gaggle of excitable friends at weekends, has taken it hard. She has started retreating to Matilda’s bedroom for a little cry. 

Perhaps more surprisingly, when I am at home (I am away a lot) I have taken to sitting up there too. Not because I miss her. Ok, a bit. But mainly because I like it there. 

READ: The truth behind this mother-daughter relationship 

There isn’t any other room quite like it

It has always been my favourite bedroom in the house. Indeed, it’s the only one that really has enough of a signature to qualify for critique. And it’s the mystic that does it. What, if I were feeling hostile, I might call “New Age Twaddle.” Tarot, the White Goddess, the coiling serpent and pagan vines, the turquoise and moonstone, and the floaty, ethereal silks – and still pungently aromatic. Somehow, it works. 

My daughter’s aesthetic evolved over the years, but within pretty well-defined parameters. She has never been a minimalist. When she was four, she already had Broadway Cast-worth of stuffed animals. 

And her spirit guide was a unicorn called Sparkles that was painted on her bedroom wall. Commissioned from a proper muralist, one whose delusions of viability in the modern world we were happy to indulge for another eye-wateringly expensive week, it was an unmitigated success. 

When we moved house two years later, it was only leaving Sparkles behind that bothered Matilda. She sat up late in her new bedroom, staring at her disenchanted wallpaper and fretting. Would Sparkles be missing her? Eventually I concocted a story about Sparkles having transcended our temporal domain and entered the Sylvan Eternal, the Unicorn mural equivalent of a goldfish going to live on a farm. Gradually, she calmed down and decided to become a wolf. 

The howling years

Her wolf-hood was inspired by a Studio Ghibli movie called Princess Mononoke. The heroine does have an enviably evolved relationship with wolves, to be fair, and with other spirits of the forest, too. It might sound like a fantasy – it is – but compared with Matilda’s quotidian routines, she was earthy, bloody, and grounded. 

Matilda and her best friend Delphine were so thoroughly convinced of their lycanthropy that they demanded to be fed like wolves, and would sit on their haunches for hours at a time.

Matilda remained strongly in contact with the idea of the strange, of occult traditions of one kind or another.

They drew wolves the way Picasso drew bulls, and ice age man drew both. I am very relieved in hindsight that there was no political movement or “charity” in the Mermaid mould that might have suggested surgical remedies for this lupine dysphoria. 

Eventually this gave way to puberty. But Matilda remained strongly in contact with the idea of the strange, of occult traditions of one kind or another. Her room has stained glass windows that fuse the Catholic with the Golden Bough (stuck on, of course, but wonderfully effective, especially as the sun rises). 

There are yards and yards of Indian textiles, and manifold, utterly undustable, quasi-sacred artefacts sitting on surfaces and dangling from light-fittings and heaped in bowls… and in the midst of this she purred like a perfectly satisfied cat. 

There is no over-arching schemata, I think. No philosophy or substrate to this smorgasbord. It is a vibe. And there were times when I wondered if Matilda might not be ever-so-slightly mad. Especially, when she chose for her English Lit. A level focus, that very thing; the treatment and weaponisation of female insanity in fiction. 

No, she’s not mad

Having spoken with a number of other fathers of daughters about our experiences, not to mention having leafed through newspapers, fashion magazines, and twitter, I have to concede that Matilda’s passage through some of the most treacherous waters known to humanity – girlhood, from puberty to majority – has been characterised by balance, poise, and togetherness. She’s got this. 

When lockdown came, we both worried for both our children’s mental health, as did every other parent, I’m sure. It seemed horribly cruel, especially, that a popular girl should celebrate her sixteenth birthday in such a vestigial, inhibited manner – one friend, at two arms-length. 

The tarot makes an awful lot of sense to me. It is, as much as art is, a vehicle for intuition

But I came to understand that the eco-system she had created in her attic room – the scents, the overgrown forest tangle of leaf, root and branch, dissolving the stern Euclidean geometry of Victorian housebuilders and even the softening of the inside/outside divide that her painted windows seems to achieve – this brought her immense peace and reassurance. It may not have been safe from the virus, but it was from shrill government “messaging”, 24-hour news cycles, and chemical quackery. It was a place where malady was implicitly understood, as the waning of a soon to be once again gibbous moon. 

And her attraction to the Tarot was all of a part with that. The tarot makes an awful lot of sense to me. It is, as much as art is, a vehicle for intuition. We all read novels, watch movies, and play fantasy games to create distance between ourselves, or rather, our selves, that we might recognise them in the mirror. This too, is how the Tarot works. Nor is its collection of fates and archetypes any more ridiculous or fanciful than those found in Homer, Ovid, or Shakespeare.

So much magic has come and gone. The gods of Mount Olympus, and their Roman avatars. Christianity – Catholic, Protestant and post-Enlightenment. Capitalism, communism and whatever it is that is crumbling under our feet as I write. But the appetite, the god-shaped hole, remains. 

Our search for the mystic, and mythic, is legit 

I suspect the need for some mystical dimension to life is universal – and healthy. We will find it somewhere, somehow. If not in religion, then in allegiance to some entity that really cannot sustain the burden; Chelsea FC, the British Monarchy, Harry Styles. 

Are these any more coherent than a silk print of an Indian goddess, a Chinese dragon robe, or a double helix of incense spiralling up from a glowing incense tip?

The Tarot has started very few wars, fuelled very few riots, and convinced very few patriarchs of their right to brutalise their families. It has never suffered a “replication crisis” nor been “debunked”. We could all do a lot worse than to pause from time to time, and reflect on what the universe is whispering, through its ancient tongue. 

And if I listen really closely, I think I can hear Matilda. 

Simon Evans

Having been a stand up comedian for over twenty years , with sell-out national tours and multiple TV appearances, Simon has recently expanded into writing for a number of publications in print and online. He has appeared in The Spectator, The Telegraph, Spiked, The Critic, Quillette, and Unherd – and Silver! He also has trophies for winning Celebrity Mastermind AND Pointless Celebrities.

The post A touch of the mystic can keep us connected appeared first on Silver Magazine.

Computer broken? Phone crashing? Conversation with friend not going well?

These things (and many more) are being chalked up to Mercury retrograde. But is the chaos associated with Mercury retrograde actually a real thing?

So here we go again, Mercury going retrograde. The solar system’s smallest planet will appear to move backwards – although it’s really not going backwards at all. It’s due to an optical illusion created by Mercury, Earth, and the Sun orbiting at different speeds. 

Every planet goes retrograde throughout the year, but the physical effect of Mercury’s retrograde on people is an increasingly well-noted phenomenon. And whether you believe in it or not, there’s been enough anecdotal evidence to fund scientific studies, dedicate websites, and publish articles. Even lofty tomes like Time magazine have been asking. Is there more to Mercury’s retrograde than just coincidence?

Let’s talk about communication

Astrology tells us that planets and astrological signs carry a distinctive energy that can be felt when they reach the positions they were in when we were born. This is your birth chart, and everyone’s is different. Astrological readings will tell you that the planets all bring their own energies into play.

You may have heard that Leo brings strength, and Mars brings action into our lives, for example. But what about Mercury, the so-called ruler of communication and technology? Which, despite moving through different astrological signs, will go retrograde at least three times every year. 

Facebook famously crashed during a retrograde in 2022

Millions of people report malfunctioning electrical appliances, delayed contracts, plans changing unexpectedly, and disagreements flaring up during the retrograde period. So much so that Mercury retrograde has become a scapegoat and slang word for misunderstandings and misfortune. 

Facebook famously crashed during a retrograde in 2022, and there’s enormous anecdotal evidence of commercial websites and apps suffering costly outages during retrograde periods. Can so many documented and undocumented occurrences like these be chalked up simply to coincidence?  

Why do we need to know? And what the hell can we do about it anyway?

Perhaps recent events have given us more pause for stargazing. Google reported that “What is Mercury retrograde” has been searched more times in 2022 than ever before. It seems we are searching for answers.

Perhaps recent events have given us more pause for stargazing

And we can see Mercury retrograde being taken seriously from a commercial standpoint too. Some of the FTSE’s top 250 businesses claim to highlight Mercury retrogrades in their team calendars. This is so that people can check their plans and make sure communications were received and interpreted in the way they were intended at these times. 

Regardless of whether the Mercury retrograde phenomenon is real or not, people want to understand their motivations and behaviours, their actions and emotions more than ever before. There’s a desire to understand what might be influencing personal choices, so we can affect a different outcome, even if that means considering the astrological influence of the planets and different energies.

Maybe there are greater forces at work

Maybe you dismiss the influence of Mercury retrograde on your life. Or maybe you totally believe it, and that ‘forewarned is forearmed’! But if you’re in the former group, you might want to ask what the planets are doing next time you lose important paperwork, or have a falling out with someone. 

We aren’t suggesting that you postpone a house move, or delay a wedding to avoid Mercury retrograde (although people probably do). But you might want to check whether Mercury is at rest or in transit before you start a new project, or buy something electrical.

How returning to the old ways can help us now

A final little word about this pretty planet

Mercury is one of our closest neighbours, and has been a fascinating mystery for centuries. Wild theories and gossip have circulated about Mercury, such as the claim that it struck Earth and wiped out the dinosaurs. Or that a collision on Mercury 4.5 billion years ago caused debris that led to the formation of the moon.

But these claims have been discounted by scientists. However, it remains a ‘planet of interest’. Because despite surface temperatures of 450 C, Mercury’s desert landscape also appears to contain water and ice; and for astrologers and non-astrologers worldwide, Mercury still holds a fascination.

To check Mercury’s action (and other astrological activities), check the Old Farmer’s Almanac

Josie Jakub

Josie writes from her cottage in a historic, pirate village by the sea. She shares her life with Mimi, a beautiful Ragdoll cat, and the dazzling variety of garden birds and sea birds who come to visit them every day. Josie writes about the world that we can’t see, drawing from her life experiences as a Tarot card reader, astrologist and healer

The post Is Mercury retrograde a real thing? appeared first on Silver Magazine.

International Widows Day (23 June) was created by the United Nations to globally support women who have lost their husbands, and to raise awareness for those left bereaved who face a struggle for basic needs, their human rights and their dignity.

Many widows may find themselves shunned, forced back into unwanted marriages, even losing what little they already have. International Widows Day works to raise awareness of these women’s plights and help step towards better conditions for widows everywhere.

Here in the UK, most of our widows face few of the really extreme issues inherent in many other countries, but losing your lifelong partner is still a terrible, heartrending thing to happen. There are many challenges to face, and coping with bereavement and widowhood is not to be underestimated.

THERESA’S STORY

Theresa lost her husband ten years ago. It was an inevitable event due to his illness, but it still came as a shock. The hardest thing Theresa found about the death itself was Ken’s wish to stop any more treatment for his illnesses. He knew he was dying and didn’t want to fight it any more. Although she found that hard, Theresa had no choice but to accept his decision; but she knew her journey of grief was going to be a bumpy one.

He knew he was dying and didn’t want to fight it any more

“He wanted me to go on and make a new life for myself,” she says. “He told me, ‘don’t stay on your own’. But I knew from the start when we met that I would never love anyone like I loved him, and that’s probably why I’ve never met anyone else.”

It took Theresa almost two years to even think about sorting through Ken’s belongings; she says herself that she didn’t cope with the grief properly. She threw herself back into work hoping to come through the other side, and never spoke to anyone about how she was feeling.

Ken and Theresa on their wedding day

“I was fortunate that I had my son and my three grandchildren – they became my life and my world. I threw myself into doing everything I could for my family; Ken would’ve wanted me to look after them like he would have done.”

The biggest turning point for Theresa was the first time she drove to visit her friends in the next county – a job Ken would always do

After a couple of years, Theresa finally started to do different things. She went on holidays with her family, she started meeting up with her brother for lunches, and she began to see a different side of life, one that wasn’t consumed by grief.

It took six years for Theresa to fully open up to the idea of socialising and meeting up with new people. She began going to shows and dinners with the girls from work, and her social calendar started to grow.

The biggest turning point for Theresa was the first time she drove to visit her friends in the next county – a job Ken would always do. “Driving to visit them on my own for the first time was the biggest thing. Now, I do the three-hour drive to see my granddaughter at university by myself. I’m doing things I never thought I would be able to do.”

While Theresa has now found a fresh perspective and a renewed love for life, it hasn’t always been this easy. After Ken’s passing, her son tried to encourage her to go to bereavement groups, but she felt the pressure of a group was too much. In hindsight, Theresa wishes she could’ve gone to see a bereavement counsellor on a one-to-one basis. She didn’t have the confidence to go to a group, and felt that one-to-one time would’ve made a significant impact on how she coped with the grief.

Going from being in a marriage where they did everything together as a couple, Theresa has now found out that life can still be fun, and that it is possible to do things on your own. While she’s learned this by herself, she says, “I wish I could’ve read a book that said ‘you can go and do things.’ If anyone got me through the loss, it was my son and grandchildren.”

DOROTHY’S STORY

Model, not Dorothy

Dorothy lost her husband 23 years ago, in 1996. It was a completely unexpected loss. She came home from work one day and found her husband laying on the living room floor, and describes the event as “one hell of a shock.” She didn’t return to work for six months after that as the shock proved overwhelming, and she became really ill.

“I lost my confidence, I couldn’t get out of bed, I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to do anything. I just didn’t know how I was going to live without him,” she says. For Dorothy, the biggest help came from her grandchildren. With three toddlers and three new babies in the family, she threw herself into helping out with baby duties. She took them to the beach, helped with babysitting and devoted herself to spending time with them.

For her, it was all about the family, claiming simply that, “the children pulled me through it.” And after a certain amount of time, Dorothy began adjusting to her new life without her lifelong partner. By helping out with her grandchildren, there was a new found purpose, something that had to be done.

I lost my confidence, I couldn’t get out of bed, I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to do anything. I just didn’t know how I was going to live without him

She joined a group with people around her age, which was a massive help in terms of support and socialising. There was ballroom dancing, trips to the moors and group dinner dates. The initial forced socialising is what made Dorothy realise that there was more to life.

As Dorothy herself said, “there’s no point sitting there staring out the window.” She urged the importance of letting your hair down, painting your nails and making yourself feel nice. The rest will come.

Model, not Dorothy

Despite it being 23 years since her husband passed, she said speaking about it now, it feels like only yesterday that she experienced the worst day of her life. But she has come so far since then, with her grandchildren and new friends at the social club giving her a purpose. And Dorothy wants you to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The years go by, and you never fully get over it – you learn to cope.

But how will you be able to live without your partner? How can you possibly come to terms with the grief? You know they wouldn’t want you to be drowning in misery, so our handy guide is here to match Essinger’s tips for enjoying life on your conditions following the loss of a loved one.

TOP TIPS FOR MOVING ON

Step one: acknowledge and accept your grief

Nothing is more important than acknowledging your grief. It’s a crucial part of the healing process; you can’t begin to move on until you know exactly what it is that you’re moving on from. It’s good to note that there is no time frame for this. Acceptance comes naturally after acknowledgment, but this stage can be harder. It’s all too easy to pretend it’s not happening. It can take days, weeks or months, but once you have accepted the loss, you can learn how to deal with it.

Step two: do what you love

Over the years of your marriage, what you loved turned into what you both loved together, and it can be easy to forget what you enjoyed doing before you met. But now is the chance to really find out what it is about life that you enjoy so much. Life doesn’t have to end here. While you may feel guilty for thinking it, it’s a new chapter. It’s time to focus on you, and you alone. Pick up that book, go for that swim, join that group, go on that holiday. Do what you love.

Step three: focus on family and friends

The key thing here is to remember that people love you, and these people usually come in the form of your family and close friends. For both Dorothy and Theresa, spending time with their families and helping out took away some of the pain and reaffirmed the purpose. These are people that are here for you, they need you and they want you to be okay. Remember, you’re all dealing with it at the same time, just in different ways. The important thing is how to support each other in the process.

You may also be interested to read: The Art of Swedish Death Cleaning

Carly Pepperell

Carly gets to do everything under the sun, including writing, editing, taking photos, creating stories, and swanning around at launches. She can down a glass of Prosecco without pausing for breath, and aims to be the youngest Pulitzer winner ever.

The post Facing life as a widow: learning to love living again appeared first on Silver Magazine.

Death and taxes are the only two things you can be sure of in life. Despite that, most of us fear the prospect of dying in one way or another. Enter Swedish death cleaning

Author Margareta Magnusson wrote The Gentle Art of Death Cleaning in 2017. It has nothing to do with vigorous dusting to thrash metal. Death cleaning is a Scandinavian movement brought to us by Magnusson – a first-time author described by herself as ‘somewhere between 80th and 100th birthday’ – who has figured out that facing up to mortality is something that could benefit everyone.

Magnusson’s first line is: “The only thing we know for sure is that one day we will die. But before that, we can do anything.” This is a pretty blunt book, but it’s an accurate one. And, bizarrely enough, it’s a positive one too.

Death cleaning (or ‘Dostadning’, as it’s called in Swedish) is a new and charming approach to putting your life in order before leaving this realm, so that your friends and family won’t have to

Written to act as a simple guide on de-cluttering, reflection and coming to terms with the inevitability of ageing, death cleaning (or ‘Dostadning’, as it’s called in Swedish) is a new and charming approach to putting your life and your home in order before leaving this realm, so that your friends and family won’t have to. But it’s not all about thinking of others – there are some selfish benefits to reap as well.

DECLUTTER – IF NOT ONLY FOR YOUR OWN SAKE

No one feels good in a cluttered house. Hoarding just isn’t good for the soul, and it’s certainly not good for your nearest and dearest when you do pass. Through death cleaning, you’ll streamline your belongings to only those that bring you joy. You’ll only keep the books that you love to read, the clothes that make you feel great. And the bits and bobs that you’ve gathered through life that leave you with a sense of deep happiness.

Hoarding isn’t good for the soul, and it’s certainly not good for your nearest and dearest when you pass

Your home will become a sanctuary that leaves you feeling uplifted and clear-headed. And the knowledge that you’ll be easing the transition for your loved ones when you do pop your clogs really does take a weight off.

Ready to live a life less cluttered? Here’s how to organise your home, for this life and the next, with Swedish death cleaning

Don’t be afraid

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that anything death-related is morbid. But Swedish death cleaning should really be a joyous and freeing act, not a solemn one. It’s brave to face the prospect of your own death head-on. However, you can go at it with a practical mindset and an open attitude. You might even find that you enjoy the process. Talk about what you’re doing with family and friends for an added sense of accountability, and to make it a cathartic experience.

Focus on the things you love

Rather than making this all about throwing out all the rubbish, focus on the things you love when deciding what stays and what goes. This will make choosing the items you wish to keep an easier task. And it will also keep your attention on the positive side of Swedish death cleaning. You’ll feel like you’ve taken a weight off when you drop your bags off at charity shops.

Be committed. Be ruthless

The trick to an effective clear-out is to only keep the things that that you really love. It’s like extreme Kondoing. But also, in the case of Swedish death cleaning, only things that will continue to be loved by others once you’re gone. Big challenge!

In her book, Magnusson writes: “I often ask myself, ‘Will anyone I know be happier if I save this?’.” This is something that you should be asking yourself too; if the answer is no, it’s got to go! Approach the cleaning rationally. And never start with photos or sentimental items, as you may find that you get stuck down memory lane and never get around to throwing anything out at all.

Give gifts, but don’t burden

Giving away some of your treasured but not vital items can be a much kinder thing to do to yourself than sending things away, never to be seen again. It can also be a lovely thing to hand things on in person, rather than writing it into a will and waiting until you’re gone. If you think a friend or family member might adore something you’re getting rid of, offer it to them, but be careful not to push it or burden them with stuff they don’t really want – that kind of defeats the point!

Treat yourself

An important part of Swedish death cleaning is to treat yourself after a good day’s clearing, to keep your joie de vivre aflame. Ideally, make it an activity that’s life-affirming and most definitely fun. Think nude modelling, parachuting or honing a new skill, but steer clear of shopping!

You may also be interested to read: Facing life as a widow and learning to love living again

Ruby Deevoy

The post ‘Swedish death cleaning’. The art of de-cluttering your (after)life appeared first on Silver Magazine.