Many parents struggle with the delicate balance of encouraging meaningful relationships between their children and grandparents whilst navigating generational differences and busy family schedules. The key lies not in forcing these connections, but in creating an environment where genuine bonds can flourish naturally.

Building bridges, not walls

The foundation of strong grandparent-grandchild relationships begins with parents acting as positive facilitators rather than gatekeepers. This means speaking warmly about grandparents in everyday conversation, sharing stories from your own childhood, and highlighting the unique qualities that make each grandparent special. Children pick up on parental attitudes more than we realise, so demonstrating genuine respect and affection for your own parents sets the tone for how children will view these relationships.

Regular communication is essential, but it needn’t be formal or forced. Simple video calls, shared photos, or even voice messages can help maintain connections between visits. The goal is to make grandparents feel like present figures in children’s lives rather than occasional visitors.

Creating meaningful shared experiences

Successful grandparent-grandchild relationships thrive on shared activities that span generational interests. Encourage grandparents to share their hobbies, whether it’s gardening, cooking traditional recipes, or teaching card games. These activities create lasting memories whilst passing down family traditions and skills.

Consider planning regular one-to-one time between each child and their grandparents. This might involve overnight stays, special outings, or simple afternoon activities. Individual attention helps children feel valued and gives grandparents the opportunity to develop unique relationships with each grandchild based on their individual personalities and interests.

Navigating different parenting approaches

Generational differences in child-rearing approaches are inevitable, but they needn’t become sources of conflict. Have honest conversations with grandparents about your parenting boundaries whilst remaining open to their wisdom and experience. Children benefit from seeing that adults can respectfully disagree and still maintain loving relationships.

Allow grandparents some flexibility in their approach. Perhaps they’re more permissive with treats or bedtimes during visits. These differences can actually become special aspects of the grandparent relationship that children cherish, provided safety and core values aren’t compromised.

Special considerations for foster children

Children fostered with an agency like ISP Fostering might initially struggle with trust or feel uncertain about forming new attachments to extended family members.

Patience and consistency are paramount when introducing foster children to grandparents. Start with shorter, less overwhelming interactions and allow relationships to develop gradually. Grandparents should be prepared to follow the child’s lead, offering warmth and stability without pressuring for immediate closeness.

Foster children may also maintain connections with biological grandparents or significant older adults from their past. Supporting these existing relationships, where appropriate and safe, demonstrates respect for the child’s history whilst building new family bonds.

Read more: Can you still get a pension if you’re over 50?

The long-term investment

Strong grandparent-grandchild relationships provide children with additional sources of unconditional love, wisdom, and family identity. These bonds often become even more precious as children mature and begin to appreciate the unique perspective and life experience that grandparents offer.

By encouraging these relationships thoughtfully and consistently, parents create a gift that enriches their children’s lives immeasurably – the joy of truly wanting to spend time with the older generation, not out of obligation, but out of genuine love and connection.

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The day your child gets their first car marks a significant milestone. As exciting as it is for them, it’s natural to feel a little apprehensive about how they’ll handle the responsibility of owning and driving a car.

As a parent, preparing them for this transition is crucial. And it goes far beyond simply teaching them how to drive. There are decisions to make. And considerations to address to make sure they stay safe, both on the road and financially.

Choosing the right first car

When selecting a first car for your child, the goal is to find one that strikes the perfect balance between being manageable for a new driver and offering sufficient safety features. Go for a car with a small engine, as this helps keep both the power and the insurance premiums low. Many first-time drivers can be overwhelmed by high-powered vehicles, which can make handling more difficult and increase the risk of accidents. A small, practical car not only reduces that risk. But can also provide better fuel economy. This is crucial for those who may be learning how to budget their money.

Look at vehicles in the lower insurance groups. Models like the Ford Fiesta, Volkswagen Polo or Toyota Aygo are popular choices in this category. They are well-regarded for their reliability and relatively low maintenance costs. Check the NCAP (New Car Assessment Programme) safety ratings to make sure the car meets high standards for crash protection.

The benefits of telematics insurance for both safety and savings

Consider a telematics insurance policy for your child. They use a small device, or a mobile app, to monitor the driver’s habits, such as their speed, braking and the times they travel. If your child drives safely, their premiums will decrease, rewarding good behaviour. But the benefits don’t stop at savings. The feedback provided by telematics insurance also acts as a learning tool, helping reinforce safe driving habits.

You can monitor the driving data together. For example, you’ll be able to see whether they’re consistently driving below the speed limit and avoiding harsh braking, helping you to acknowledge these positive habits.

Building driving experience and confidence gradually

One of the most important aspects of preparing your child for independent driving is making sure they gain enough experience before they go solo. While it’s easy to assume that the minimum hours required for a learner’s permit will be enough, you should aim for more. Encourage them to drive in a variety of conditions. Such as rain, at night, on busy motorways or in rural areas.

Supervised driving practice should be structured. You can use the guidelines provided by driving authorities to make sure your child is exposed to different challenges. For example, the DVSA (Driver and Vehicle Standards Agency) suggests gaining experience in varying weather conditions and on different types of roads.

Instilling safe driving habits and awareness

Driving safely is about developing good habits and a keen sense of awareness. Reinforce the importance of adhering to speed limits and driving defensively. Your child should know that anticipating the actions of other drivers and being prepared for the unexpected can be the difference between avoiding an accident and being caught off guard.

Frequent discussions about hazard perception will also help them stay alert on the road. Speak openly with one another and review certain driving scenarios.

Staying informed about wider news

Finally, stay informed about developments that could affect your child’s driving experience and insurance costs. For instance, the UK’s rollout of 20 mph zones has had a noticeable effect on premiums. Slower speeds reduce the likelihood of accidents, and as a result, insurance providers may offer lower premiums in areas with these limits.

At the same time, penalties for uninsured driving have been increasing. By staying aware of these updates, you can guide your child to make informed decisions that keep them safe and financially savvy.

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Determined not to let parenthood rob them of their raving days, ten years ago Hannah Saunders and Natasha Morabito had a revelation. Meeting in a parenting group, and finding themselves kindred spirits (ex-ravers always know each other, have you noticed?), they decided that no, they weren’t done with raving. They’d just have to do it differently. 

“We got together when I had come up with the idea of BFLF and decided to tell everyone I knew about it – as a way to embarrass myself into getting it off the ground,” grins Hannah. 

…parents, grandparents, and kids dance joyously until the sugar rush runs out

“Tash and I were both on a small private Mumsnet group because our children were born in the same month and we had gone through our pregnancies together online. Had never met in real life. I told this group, and Tash asked to meet up as she wanted to help me get it off the ground and we lived reasonably near. Her eldest child is 10 days younger than my eldest.”

So Big Fish Little Fish was created; the family rave for ‘two-to-four hour party people’. Parents, grandparents, and kids dance joyously until the sugar rush runs out, and the events are run throughout the UK and across Australia. It’s a phenomenal success and testament to anyone who always believed it was about the music, and not about the drugs.

I caught up with Hannah as Big Fish Little Fish (I always want to say cardboard box after) hits a remarkable decade.

Who are you and what do you do?

Hannah Saunders, at BFLF

I am Hannah Saunders and I created family raving!  Afternoon clubbing and festival events for families with children aged 0-8 years. My company Big Fish Little Fish holds events all over the UK and Australia.

Tell us a bit about the events – what can one expect to happen?

First of all, great dance music is at the heart of what we do. We book DJ legends of the rave scene (Terry Francis, 2 Bad Mice, Mark XTC, Aphrodite, London Elektricity, Louise + 1 etc) and they play the set they would at a grown-up club night only at lower volumes and without any swears. 

The venues we play range from pubs to state-of-the-art nightclubs (we’re the only all-ages event that has ever played fabric) to festivals to museums – taking in concrete floor warehouses, castles, breweries and even a cathedral. We particularly love taking BFLF outside – to Camp Bestival, Blue Dot, Glastonbury, and other festivals.

You can expect to see parents and grandparents dancing with their littlies in fancy dress, loads of balloons, foam and bubbles and some craft tables, a colouring mural, and face painters away from the dancefloor action. Also there’s always a bar.

…great dance music is at the heart of what we do. We book DJ legends of the rave scene and they play the set they would at a grown-up club night

Our raves are two hours long, and finish up with a giant parachute dance, inspired by going to Whirl-Y-Gig events in the 90s. Though we dance under ours and at the Whirly, people sit down.

Where did the concept originate?

I loved taking my kids to festivals. As a Bristolian, I’ve been to Glastonbury almost every year since the mid-90s and having a five-month-old baby wasn’t going to stop me. At Glastonbury I saw how my baby enjoyed the multi-sensory experience, while I too was enjoying the music as I always had done – it was a shared experience of joy.  

While I was on maternity leave, I attended all the usual parent and baby groups, but none captured that sense of togetherness and fun that taking my young family to festivals did. When I returned to work (senior Whitehall civil servant!) I just didn’t enjoy the environment anymore, so I jacked it in.

[perfectpullquote align=”right” bordertop=”false” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]At Glastonbury I saw how my baby enjoyed the multi-sensory experience[/perfectpullquote]

I then needed to do something for work and decided to set up my own business to create the thing I wanted to take my own family to. Something that gave me the fun and freedom of a festival but that I could do near my home and for a few hours at the weekend.

Who typically comes to the events? 

We find more and more that people in their late 20s and 30s don’t just bring their babies; they bring their mums and dads too, who were the first-generation ravers. It’s always fantastic fun to see three generations raving together. Obviously with the raver’s ‘Summer of Love’ being in 1988, the people who were there then are now in their 50s and 60s – as are many of our DJs!

The BFLF dancefloor really is a joyful, bonding experience and I’ve had grandparents tell me they’ve always wanted to come to a rave and now they felt they had. BFLF does provide the essence of raving, in a family friendly way.

Read more: the Summer of Love – the rise of house music as a great British institution

Do people come without kids? Or is that just an insane thought?!

We don’t let any lone adult groups (or lone children!) come to Big Fish Little Fish, but if they are a child-free aunt, uncle, or friend and want to come in a group with people with kids then that’s fine. We try not to have groups of more than four adults to one child, as we like to keep the right balance of big and small people.

Do the kids ever get freaked out by the loud music, lights etc?

Depending on the venue we try to ensure there are quieter spaces, and even baby chill areas. Music is played at lower levels than at an adult club (in fact I have recorded higher levels of noise at large soft play centres) and there are no strobes, just colour changing and moving lights. 

Rather than the music and lighting, it can be the size of the crowd (each event has 400 – 1,000 attendees) that I think some children – and parents – find daunting. We make it very clear in our publicity that the events are busy and loud, often more from children’s excited squeals than music), and that they are a ‘proper’ clubbing experience. So it’s not for everyone, but the families who do love it, really love it. 

We are very aware of kids with additional needs and want to make it as inclusive as possible

We are very aware of kids with additional needs and want to make it as inclusive as possible – so, say there’s a family with an autistic child – we can let them into the venue a few minutes before everyone else to give them time to acclimatise before the crowds arrive. This way we can help to make sure they know where to go if they need a breather from the action.

Drugs – one would hope people are responsible if they’re there with kids, but have you observed people taking dancing ‘enhancements’?

I have been running these events for 10 years, and BFLF has played to around 800,000 people and it’s never come up.

If you are responsible for young children, you just don’t consider it. BFLF is a place where you celebrate being a family, and delight in it together. Drugs are a complete no-no.

I’ve just had a look at the line-up of events. That’s a phenomenal output! Who handles all the management and bookings etc? There must be quite a team of you.

We recently had a TikTok that went viral in the US so I’m talking to some interested people over there

Thank you! Yes, there is a team of lovely people (all of them parents and ex-clubbers) who run Big Fish Little Fish in their areas. We cover the whole of the UK and the big cities in Australia.

We recently had a TikTok that went viral in the US and had over three million views, so I’m talking to some interested people over there about launching BFLF in the US and Canada.

You’ve got some big names playing too. Has it been tough to get them to play or are they right up for it?

You have to find the right people, people who fundamentally ‘get’ what we do. Most of our DJs are parents themselves and bring their kids along to show them what mum or dad does for work.

DJs love playing us, often seeing BFLF as the true carriers of the rave flame to pass on through the generations – and will recommend us to their DJing mates.

You’re at some festivals this summer. Where is best to catch BFLF?

We are doing a tour with Camp Bestival ahead of the festivals in Dorset and Shropshire – and other festivals you can see us at include Elderflower Fields, Blue Dot, Beautiful Days, Geronimo, Festival 14, Milton Keynes, We Out Here, and many others yet to be announced.

Hannah at Bluedot Festival (Credit: One Eye In at Bluedot Festival)

The festival events – do you take your own tent, etc? Tell us a bit about how that works.

We take our own tents to sleep in! Otherwise we will play wherever in the festival we’ve been programmed to play – sometimes there is a big stage with an open air crowd, sometimes it’s in a big tent like the Bollywood at Camp Bestival. Unlike a lot of performers we usually slum it in camping, and take our kids too. We LOVE a festival – it’s what inspired BFLF after all.

It’s your tenth anniversary this year – what plans have you got for the future?

World domination baby! Hopefully we will get BFLF North America up and running (plus some new cities in Europe), stay true to our ethos of being proper old ravers, and work with lots of lovely people and make lots of families very, very happy.

What’s the best thing about BFLF?

Making families happy. When you become a parent, you can feel like you have said goodbye to your carefree youth and these events give people a bit of that back. It lets them know that it isn’t finger food and nap schedules forever. You’re still in there and you don’t have to cut part of yourself off to be a great parent. 

Big Fish Little Fish Manchester at the Birdcage 11-03-18

So much parenting is about saying ‘no’, ‘stop that’ or ‘don’t do that’. So when children see their parents happy and smiling at our events they respond in kind and it’s a virtuous circle of happiness – a rave hug! BFLF is a great way for parents to role model how to have fun with others.

Will there be a tenth anniversary party?!

Oh yes – quite a few! Hopefully a big one at Ally Pally this summer. You heard it here first!

Buy tickets for the Ally Pally event here

Listen to some BFLF grooves…

[mixcloud https://www.mixcloud.com/BigFishLittleFish/cyndi-wallauper-live-big-fish-little-fish-belladrum-festival-2022/ width=100% height=120 hide_cover=1]

Sam Harrington-Lowe

Sam is Silver’s founder and editor-in-chief. She’s largely responsible for organising all the things, but still finds time to do the odd bit of writing. Not enough though. Send help.

The post Big Fish Little Fish is ten years old. How old are your raving roots? appeared first on Silver Magazine.

Some people associate the mystic – or at least its trappings – with a faltering grasp on reality. They detect a pompous, cargo-cult priest class, peddling a proxy for psychological insight and wisdom. 

Not to mention a wardrobe chosen as much to conceal self-indulgence and consequent harsh physical truths as to celebrate the Feminine Divine. All in all, a retreat for those who find reality just a tiny bit too fractured and thorny. 

I would demur. In its place, and in the right doses, a drop of the mystic is just what the warlock ordered. And what modern humans – brutally uprooted from their forest glade only five evolutionary minutes ago – long for. A little moonshine can provide genuine solace. 

Daughter of the moon

My daughter Matilda turned 18 last April, which was odd, as I could swear she was being lifted out of car seats and dropped into a sling around my neck only last week. I still have the stoop, and the stains on my tie. 

Her room is as she left it, as though it were a shrine to a tragic teenager in a public information film

Now, she has disappeared off on her “gap” year, to “travel” in Vietnam and “work” in Australia. Absurd. 

Her room is as she left it, as though it were a shrine to a tragic teenager in a public information film about stranger danger, rather than a rentable asset that could offset the fuel crisis.

My wife, who was used to seeing her daughter daily over the breakfast bar, laundering her smalls, and hosting her gaggle of excitable friends at weekends, has taken it hard. She has started retreating to Matilda’s bedroom for a little cry. 

Perhaps more surprisingly, when I am at home (I am away a lot) I have taken to sitting up there too. Not because I miss her. Ok, a bit. But mainly because I like it there. 

READ: The truth behind this mother-daughter relationship 

There isn’t any other room quite like it

It has always been my favourite bedroom in the house. Indeed, it’s the only one that really has enough of a signature to qualify for critique. And it’s the mystic that does it. What, if I were feeling hostile, I might call “New Age Twaddle.” Tarot, the White Goddess, the coiling serpent and pagan vines, the turquoise and moonstone, and the floaty, ethereal silks – and still pungently aromatic. Somehow, it works. 

My daughter’s aesthetic evolved over the years, but within pretty well-defined parameters. She has never been a minimalist. When she was four, she already had Broadway Cast-worth of stuffed animals. 

And her spirit guide was a unicorn called Sparkles that was painted on her bedroom wall. Commissioned from a proper muralist, one whose delusions of viability in the modern world we were happy to indulge for another eye-wateringly expensive week, it was an unmitigated success. 

When we moved house two years later, it was only leaving Sparkles behind that bothered Matilda. She sat up late in her new bedroom, staring at her disenchanted wallpaper and fretting. Would Sparkles be missing her? Eventually I concocted a story about Sparkles having transcended our temporal domain and entered the Sylvan Eternal, the Unicorn mural equivalent of a goldfish going to live on a farm. Gradually, she calmed down and decided to become a wolf. 

The howling years

Her wolf-hood was inspired by a Studio Ghibli movie called Princess Mononoke. The heroine does have an enviably evolved relationship with wolves, to be fair, and with other spirits of the forest, too. It might sound like a fantasy – it is – but compared with Matilda’s quotidian routines, she was earthy, bloody, and grounded. 

Matilda and her best friend Delphine were so thoroughly convinced of their lycanthropy that they demanded to be fed like wolves, and would sit on their haunches for hours at a time.

Matilda remained strongly in contact with the idea of the strange, of occult traditions of one kind or another.

They drew wolves the way Picasso drew bulls, and ice age man drew both. I am very relieved in hindsight that there was no political movement or “charity” in the Mermaid mould that might have suggested surgical remedies for this lupine dysphoria. 

Eventually this gave way to puberty. But Matilda remained strongly in contact with the idea of the strange, of occult traditions of one kind or another. Her room has stained glass windows that fuse the Catholic with the Golden Bough (stuck on, of course, but wonderfully effective, especially as the sun rises). 

There are yards and yards of Indian textiles, and manifold, utterly undustable, quasi-sacred artefacts sitting on surfaces and dangling from light-fittings and heaped in bowls… and in the midst of this she purred like a perfectly satisfied cat. 

There is no over-arching schemata, I think. No philosophy or substrate to this smorgasbord. It is a vibe. And there were times when I wondered if Matilda might not be ever-so-slightly mad. Especially, when she chose for her English Lit. A level focus, that very thing; the treatment and weaponisation of female insanity in fiction. 

No, she’s not mad

Having spoken with a number of other fathers of daughters about our experiences, not to mention having leafed through newspapers, fashion magazines, and twitter, I have to concede that Matilda’s passage through some of the most treacherous waters known to humanity – girlhood, from puberty to majority – has been characterised by balance, poise, and togetherness. She’s got this. 

When lockdown came, we both worried for both our children’s mental health, as did every other parent, I’m sure. It seemed horribly cruel, especially, that a popular girl should celebrate her sixteenth birthday in such a vestigial, inhibited manner – one friend, at two arms-length. 

The tarot makes an awful lot of sense to me. It is, as much as art is, a vehicle for intuition

But I came to understand that the eco-system she had created in her attic room – the scents, the overgrown forest tangle of leaf, root and branch, dissolving the stern Euclidean geometry of Victorian housebuilders and even the softening of the inside/outside divide that her painted windows seems to achieve – this brought her immense peace and reassurance. It may not have been safe from the virus, but it was from shrill government “messaging”, 24-hour news cycles, and chemical quackery. It was a place where malady was implicitly understood, as the waning of a soon to be once again gibbous moon. 

And her attraction to the Tarot was all of a part with that. The tarot makes an awful lot of sense to me. It is, as much as art is, a vehicle for intuition. We all read novels, watch movies, and play fantasy games to create distance between ourselves, or rather, our selves, that we might recognise them in the mirror. This too, is how the Tarot works. Nor is its collection of fates and archetypes any more ridiculous or fanciful than those found in Homer, Ovid, or Shakespeare.

So much magic has come and gone. The gods of Mount Olympus, and their Roman avatars. Christianity – Catholic, Protestant and post-Enlightenment. Capitalism, communism and whatever it is that is crumbling under our feet as I write. But the appetite, the god-shaped hole, remains. 

Our search for the mystic, and mythic, is legit 

I suspect the need for some mystical dimension to life is universal – and healthy. We will find it somewhere, somehow. If not in religion, then in allegiance to some entity that really cannot sustain the burden; Chelsea FC, the British Monarchy, Harry Styles. 

Are these any more coherent than a silk print of an Indian goddess, a Chinese dragon robe, or a double helix of incense spiralling up from a glowing incense tip?

The Tarot has started very few wars, fuelled very few riots, and convinced very few patriarchs of their right to brutalise their families. It has never suffered a “replication crisis” nor been “debunked”. We could all do a lot worse than to pause from time to time, and reflect on what the universe is whispering, through its ancient tongue. 

And if I listen really closely, I think I can hear Matilda. 

Simon Evans

Having been a stand up comedian for over twenty years , with sell-out national tours and multiple TV appearances, Simon has recently expanded into writing for a number of publications in print and online. He has appeared in The Spectator, The Telegraph, Spiked, The Critic, Quillette, and Unherd – and Silver! He also has trophies for winning Celebrity Mastermind AND Pointless Celebrities.

The post A touch of the mystic can keep us connected appeared first on Silver Magazine.

It’s not uncommon to get lost in a shopping frenzy and commercial madness over the festive period. We all want to celebrate, forget our troubles, and have fun. But if you’re wondering how you can give back at Christmas, here are a few ideas.

As a start, instead of buying gifts for people that you know they won’t use, consider giving back in their name. Here’s a bunch of inspiration for you…. 

1. Dedicate a tree, Woodland Trust

When summer comes round, we’re blessed to have such luscious green areas to explore in this country. Woodland Trust is the largest woodland conservation charity in the UK.

You can dedicate a tree, or entire areas of woodland to a loved one from £20. Choose the woods their tree is in, and even add a bench or marker.

Upon your dedication, you’ll receive a map, information on the woods, and a certificate you can gift to the person. Bring tree-hugging to a whole new level.

For more information, or to donate visit Woodland Trust

2. Donate a Book, Book Trust

(Image: Book Trust – Illustration by Kate Hindley)

Bring some Christmas magic to a vulnerable child, or a child in care. Donating to the Book Trust will help them gift books to children who need them. And you’ll receive a certificate you can personalise in honour of someone.

For more information, or to donate go to Book Trust

3. Donate for a homeless person, Crisis

(Image: Crisis)

We know it’s a struggle for homeless people to stay warm in the winter. It’s true that you can help out at various Crisis centres over the season – helping to cook and serve Christmas lunch, volunteer on Boxing Day etc. But often these volunteer slots get filled up quite quickly.

Don’t despair if you aren’t able to help in person. Donating to Crisis will help provide a place to stay for a homeless person, and go towards all the food and festivities that are organised.

For more information, or to donate visit Crisis 

4. Buy Christmas dinner for a dog or animal, Miracle’s Mission

(Image: Pexels)

For dogs and cats waiting for their forever home, donating to Miracle’s Mission can provide them with a meal or toy. There’s loads of ways your donation can help.

It’s not just people who love to celebrate! Miracle’s Mission is a UK registered animal welfare charity working to provide safety and support to animals in need worldwide. Working predominantly in the UK, Borneo & Egypt, the charity is ever expanding to help animals in need worldwide.

Fore more information, or to donate for an animal in need, visit Miracle’s Mission

5. Buy a meal and someone will get one for free, Frankie and Benny’s in partnership with Feeding Britain 

(Image: Frankie and Benny’s)

Frankie and Benny’s has partnered with Feeding Britain this festive season. For every turkey meal they sell, they’ll donate £1 to Feeding Britain. The charity helps provide access to good, quality food to those in need. We’d say eat out to help out, but that slogan, ahem, has been taken. 

For every dinner bought, Frankie and Benny’s donate £1 to Feeding Britain – which is the cost of a meal for one person in need, according to the charity.

Sasha Storey, Frankie & Benny’s Head of Brand, said: “Frankie & Benny’s is a restaurant brand with families at its core, so it’s really important for us that we support other families in need at this time of year.

“The cost of living crisis will be hard for so many and we must remember to try to help others now and in the future as best we can.”

For more information, or to donate visit Feeding Britain

6. Send a child a secret Santa, Action for Children

(Image: Action for Children)

Send a present to a vulnerable child with Action for Children. Not all children will experience a magical Christmas with plenty of presents under the tree. 

However, you could change this for one child. Donate £25 to Action for Children, and they can provide a vulnerable child with a Christmas present this year.

For more information, or to give, visit Action for Children 

7. Jelly drops for dementia, Jelly Drops

(Image: Jelly Drops)

Not a charitable donation, but Jelly Drops can be gifted to the elderly or those with dementia. They are sugar free sweets designed for water intake, for those who struggle to stay hydrated. Made of 95% water and full of electrolytes, but consumed in a solid form. Provide a way for independent hydration to those who otherwise struggle.

Purchasing some for your own elderly family members or even donating to a local dementia care home would be a perfect way to give back to the older generation of society.

For more information, or to purchase Jelly Drops visit their website

8. Donate a shoebox, Samaritans Purse

(Image: Samaritians Purse)

Buy a shoebox gift for a child through Samaritans Purse. You can choose the gender and age of a child you’d like to gift to. Then pick the items – soft toys, a ball, or music instrument, along with an essentials kit. Samaritans Purse will pack and send the shoebox you created. 

For more information, or to create your Shoebox visit Samaritans Purse

9. Gifts that give, Macmillan Cancer Support

(Image: Macmillan)

Unfortunately cancer now effects 1 in 2 of us. Many people and families are still living with cancer, which can make Christmas an unsettling time, and harder to enjoy.

Macmillan has plenty of gifts you can donate, to help provide a security and support to someone facing cancer this season.

You can also make donations in someone’s name. Starting from £10, which would help pay for supporting a child’s grief, or £32 which would pay a nurse for an hour to support a cancer patient. 

To donate a gift visit Macmillan’s website

10. Send a gift, Unicef 

(Image: Unicef)

For children living in areas of disaster, where hunger, disease, and violence is part of daily life, Unicef ensures as many children as possible are protected from these threats. 

Send a gift in a family member’s name through Unicef to help protect these children. You can pick gifts from 200 bars of soap, measles vaccines, or even delivering a baby. 

Unicef will post a card for free, to the person you’ve dedicated your donation to. 

For more information and to send a gift, visit Unicef

Lana Hall

Lana can usually be found spinning her collection of records, or writing odd poems in her phone notes. Her mixer of choice is a ginger beer, and you’ll never find her away from the sea for more than a few weeks.

The post Ideas for ways to give back this Christmas appeared first on Silver Magazine.

It is easy to look at the angry scenes from the US following the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v Wade and distance ourselves from it here in the UK. But a closer look at the protests across the US reveals that people who marched for abortion rights in the 1960s and 70s are back on the streets in 2022. Fighting the fight all over again.

Their contemporaries in the UK are those who fought for abortion rights before the Abortion Act 1967 was passed. Also those who risked their lives – or lost their lives – to illegal abortion. And those who struggled to access safe abortion even after it was decriminalised.

Norma McCorvey (Jane Roe) and her lawyer Gloria Allred on the steps of the Supreme Court 1989, Photo: Laurie Shaull

Chris’ story

Chris, 69, had two abortions in the 1970s and says she is now “afraid for the women of America”.

Aged 17, she was in a relationship when she found out she had a rubber allergy and relied on the withdrawal method for contraception. Abortions were available on the NHS at the time, but she ended up borrowing £100 to pay for the procedure.

“My GP said if I had the abortion on the NHS, I would have to wait a while and then it would be too late,” she recalls. “But he knew a private gynaecologist who could do it. I’ve often wondered if it was a money-making scheme for the two of them.”

Chris had her second abortion aged 19 after what she described as “a drunken night with man that wasn’t going anywhere.” The procedure was free this time, through the BPAS. If she had not been able to access abortion, she says her life today would “not be recognisable”. Chris was training as a nurse at the time and became a midwife, which she says would not have happened if she carried the pregnancies to term, before getting married and having two children.

“We should just have the right to choose, there should be no stigma, no fear and much more awareness of how to access care, our body is ours to do with as we wish,” she says.

The Roe v Wade effect in the UK

Rather than dismissing the fallout from the Roe v Wade decision as merely an issue for America, it has multiple impacts on the UK. Here, the anti-abortion movement is vocal, albeit not nearly as large in number or influence as the US movement, but the decision has emboldened campaigners and politicians on this side of the Atlantic.

UK anti-abortion groups were quick to issue statements in support of Roe v Wade being overturned. The issue was discussed in the House of Commons, with Conservative MP Danny Kruger causing controversy over his remarks about women’s bodily autonomy. Deputy Prime Minister Dominic Raab rejected calls to include the right to choose in the government’s planned Bill of Rights, after he was asked about this by Labour MP Rosie Duffield this week. Prochoice campaigners have renewed calls for buffer zones to be placed around UK abortion clinics in response to fears that the Roe v Wade decision will increase the number of anti-abortion protesters outside these facilities.

Limits on abortion access in Northern Ireland and Scotland

The US Supreme Court decision has shone a light on the limitations to abortion access within the UK. In Northern Ireland, the law changed in 2019 to allow abortion up to 12 weeks, and beyond that time limit in circumstances, such as severe feotal abnormality. But in reality, women in Northern Ireland are still having to travel to England, Scotland, or Wales for abortions because no abortion services have been commissioned by Stormont.

However, change may be coming in Northern Ireland. Last month, MPs in the House of Commons voted to allow the UK government to directly commission abortion services in Northern Ireland, with 215 votes in favour and 70 against. Click here to find out how your MP voted.

Alliance for Choice, a Northern Ireland abortion rights campaign group, wrote an open letter to America in response to Roe v Wade being overturned. The letter compares the experiences of people in Northern Ireland and the US states where severe abortion restrictions are coming into force: “Although the vast majority of both Americans and Northern Irish people think that abortion should be legal, those intent on denying women and pregnant people access to abortion healthcare may inform the police of what they think is ‘illegal behaviour’.”

Campaigners at Alliance for Choice reiterated their commitment to help women in Northern Ireland and worldwide access safe abortion services, through strong ties with online abortion pill providers, such as Women on Web and Women Help Women.

“We have been the people offering advice and help to women and pregnant people who need abortions; finding ways to share the information that helps the most people without getting ourselves into trouble,” the letter says. “We know what it is like to be criminalised for helping people, having our homes searched and our workplaces raided, risking arrest.”

Meanwhile, in Scotland, the Abortion Act 1967 is in force, but there are no health authorities with the capacity to perform abortions up to the legal limit of 24 weeks. In most areas, 16 weeks is the cut-off. Jane Carnall from Edinburgh Abortion Rights clarified that the overwhelming majority of women who need abortions in Scotland can access care. She told Silver that around one patient a week travels to England for an abortion, either because a late-term abortion is needed or because they are combining the trip with other reasons to visit south of the border.

“Safe, legal and local” should be the mantra for abortion access, according to Jane. In Scotland, pro-choice campaigners are now turning their sights on ensuring laws to introduce buffer zones around clinics are passed in the Scottish parliament. Jane says this will prevent anti-choice protesters from harassing patients and clinic staff. There are also strong calls to ensure a senior consultant who can safely perform late-term abortions is based in Scotland for the relatively small number of cases each year. Advances in telemedicine, including home delivery of abortion pills and telephone consultations, have improved abortion access in Scotland, particularly in remote areas.

Abortion access for women over 40

For women aged over 40, access to abortion is an important part of healthcare. Despite perimenopause or menopause either on the horizon or a reality, unplanned pregnancies continue to be an issue for this age group. Factors such as improved reproductive technology have increased pregnancy rates among women over 40 – for many, what was once commonly referred to as a “geriatric pregnancy” is a source of great joy. But for other women, a pregnancy after 40 is genuinely distressing.

Portia’s story – pregnancy and ADHD

Portia, 44, had an abortion during the first lockdown: “I was busy with work and raising teenagers – despite having zero symptoms, I knew it would be positive. I had no idea how far gone I was, but I guesstimated anything up to 10 weeks.”

Carrying the pregnancy to term “didn’t even feel like a decision”, Portia recalls. Her husband was sanguine and supportive of any decision she made. “For space, for finances, our ages, and the future, it simply never felt like a practical option for us,” she says.

Portia had an initial consultation on 5 March 2020 and she was able to get a local appointment for the termination on 28 March, five days after the UK had gone into lockdown. To her relief, abortion services had not been affected, although the risk of testing positive before her appointment was a source of anxiety because “time was of the essence” – when the pregnancy was dated, she was more than 18 weeks pregnant.

“I have ADHD, so for me this means I am rational, but I struggle with executive function,” Portia explains. “I am not very organised and need to find time to concentrate for certain tasks, so I would take a week to get a pregnancy test, where other people would just crack on.”

Her local clinic was running a patients-only service, which suited Portia as she always planned to go alone, although she says it would have been stressful for those who would have preferred to take someone with them.

Portia describes the Roe v Wade decision as “staggering”.

“I do not understand how this is happening in 2022, there are really no words to the effect this has on women’s freedom and bodily autonomy in the modern world,” she says. “As we know, there is a risk of more pregnancy complications the older we are, and this threat to women’s health cannot be ignored.”

An American in the UK speaks out

Leslie, an American woman living in the UK, had an abortion in her early 20s: “I was not in any position to care for a child or be a mother – having children later on really solidified why choosing to terminate was the correct thing to do at the time.”

“I am originally from a US state where abortion will remain legal, but so many girls and women will be making anguished journeys hundreds or even thousands of miles from their homes [since Roe v Wade was overturned],” she says. “I was able to safely and privately recover from the procedure without fear of being found out. These girls and women may not have the same options.”

She says she is “devastated” by the decision to overturn Roe v Wade. Not long after her third child was born, Leslie, then 35, had a pregnancy scare. Her daughter was less than a year old. She says she could not have coped with three children under five and would have “certainly aborted” if the test was positive.

“Now I’m 45, my kids are 10, 12, and 19, my husband is 52 and our family is complete,” Leslie told Silver. “Though I am healthy enough to carry a pregnancy to term, I have no desire to do so. My pregnancies were rough physically – I had such bad pelvic problems during my second pregnancy that my doctors were concerned I’d end up in a wheelchair.”

Leslie enjoys the relationships she has with her children now they’re older, without being “bothered with breastfeeding, nappies, toddler groups and packing a ridiculous bag for a trip to the shops.”

“While there are women my age and older who do become pregnant and give birth, that’s their choice – I don’t want to be dealing with primary school in my 50s and teen drama in my 60s.”

She urges women in the UK to be vocal about supporting abortion rights, based on her own experience of abortion in the US: “I grew up with women who talked about the dark days before Roe v Wade and the affects it had on families and communities. UK women need to be very vocal about supporting abortion rights and make sure nothing like this can happen here. We’ve seen rights eroded in this country – don’t rest on your laurels and think it can’t happen here. Your life and safety depend on your vigilance. Don’t frame it as a choice – it’s your right to healthcare.”

Georgia Lewis

In a career that has spanned Australia, the Middle East and the UK, Georgia has written about all sorts of things, including sex, cars, food, oil and gas, insurance, fashion, travel, workplace safety, health, religious affairs, glass and glazing… When she’s not writing words for fun and profit, she can usually be found with a glass of something French and red in her hand.

The post Roe v Wade ripples across the pond appeared first on Silver Magazine.

Across the country children are already in meltdown. The fear of failure, the unfamiliarity of classroom spaces, exposure to ‘people’, the revision… There’s a lot going on at what is always a very stressful time anyway. So post-pandemic, how can you help your child through the stress of exams?

Teachers are reporting an all-time high in panic attacks, angry outbursts, self-harm, and disengagement

In the run-up to this year’s GCSEs and A-levels, a new report has unveiled a spike in levels of anxiety among pupils. Teachers are reporting an all-time high in panic attacks, angry outbursts, self-harm, and disengagement among students.

Acknowledging students’ heightened anxiety, particularly due to being the first cohort in three years to sit in-person exams, UK tutoring platform MyTutor has highlighted some tips from a world renowned educator and expert on teen learning. Professor Barbara Oakley shares her insights on top ways to support your overwhelmed teen preparing for exam season.

Encourage your teen to work ‘retrieval practices’ like flashcards into their study routine

The best way for teens to learn a new topic is through retrieval practise. “When you’re first learning something, there’s faint links forming between neurons in their brain,” Professor Oakley explains. “The more you retrieve that learning, the stronger the links become.”

Look over key learning areas before bed

The brain is hard at work even when we’re sleeping. Professor Oakley says that during sleep, “neurons are connecting.” So, telling your teen to glance over their notes right before bed for 2-5 minutes actually helps consolidate their learning.

Then when your teen is sleeping, by building “neural connections”, their brain will actually work to keep this new information in their memory.

Breaks are important for learning

Like sleep, breaks are important in making learning stick. Professor Oakley explained that short study breaks are vital for the part of the brain that stores new information. She says the best way to organise study time is by using the Pomodoro technique.

It’s really simple: you turn off all distractions, set a timer for 25 minutes of focused study, and have a 5-minute break once the timer goes off. That makes one Pomodoro round. Professor Oakley recommends doing three over the course of a study session.

She says it’s key for teens to avoid any focused activity in their break time – and that means they shouldn’t go on their phones where distractions might pop up. Staring into space or stroking the dog/cat are both good uses of break time. Having a snack and stretching works too.

Spacing out learning is better than cramming for hours

This might seem obvious, but we’ve all heard of someone we know who’s pulled an all-nighter: “Learning takes time,” Professor Oakley says, “just like a weightlifter developing their muscle, it takes time to build neural structure.”

Your teen needs time to learn from direct instruction (so from their notes, textbooks, teachers), and then they need to go back over what they’ve just learned. Ideally, all the way up to exams, they’d repeat this cycle: study from classroom learning, retrieval practice, study from classroom learning, retrieval practice, and so on…

Encourage them to study in different places

Studying in different places can help refresh your teen’s brain and boost their memory. So, if they normally study in their room, try giving them the option to set up shop in the kitchen, a quiet corner of the house, a library or even a cafe (if they don’t get distracted). They could try making mind maps in a noisier space, and keep the library for past paper practice. Having different places to travel to can also help motivate them too.

Slow learners can learn more deeply

There are two kinds of learners: declarative learners – or as Professor Oakley likes to call them – “race car learners,” and procedural or “hiker learners”. Declarative learners pick up things quickly, but they might be less flexible. Procedural learners take longer and are often more accurate.

Both fast and slow learners are just as good – one is not better than the other. But often in schools, fast learning is rewarded. If your teen is stuck on their homework, encourage them to take time to work it out. That’s where home learning can be so valuable – it’s where your teen can learn at their own pace, and go over things as many times as they need to until they get it.

Rewards for learning isn’t as bad as once thought

Professor Oakley explained to MyTutor how her daughter was not a big reader in school. To encourage her along, she would give her little rewards every time she finished reading a book. Over time, it was easier for her daughter to read and get into a book.

“She eventually became internally motivated,” Prof Oakley says. This is a perfect example of how starting with small rewards– like pocket money or a treat on the weekend (to get things going)– can help them get over their fear of difficult subjects and become more self-motivated in the long run.

Calm exam stress with breathing exercises

Take a minute to breathe…

As we all know, exams can bring on stress. Professor Oakley shared a useful tip for teens to use if they feel panicked when they’re revising or during an exam. It’s called ‘box breathing’ – you’ve probably heard about it, but have you shared it with your offspring?!

“When you get very nervous you do shallow, panicked breathing. It doesn’t give you the oxygen you need.”

She recommends teens to try breathing in for five seconds, holding for five seconds, and breathing out for five seconds. “When you get very nervous you do shallow, panicked breathing. It doesn’t give you the oxygen you need.” Practising this deep breathing technique a few days or even weeks before exams – so that it seems normal – is a great tool for your teen to use when it comes to sitting at the exam desk. If they feel panicked in the exam hall, using this technique can help them refocus and remember what they’ve revised too.

Help your teen reach out for support

There are times when they just need a helping hand from an expert. Whether that’s with a tutor (if their anxiety comes from learning gaps), or with a healthcare professional– there are people and organisations here to help teens.

Here are a few good resources to tap into, as recommended by the NHS:

Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS)
Kooth which delivers psychological support for teens
Mental health apps like Blueice, Chill Panda – or there’s a fuller list of apps HERE

Exam Season Parenting: A Crash Course 
Need more help? To help parents help their children, MyTutor invites you to Exam Season Parenting, a free two-part parenting course 17-18 May, with Child & Adolescent Clinical Psychologist Dr Louise Egan.

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The pandemic has been hard on families. Not actually being able to touch loved ones living in a separate household has been difficult, for example. Until recently you weren’t even able to let your dear old mum hug your reluctant teen (always hilarious), let alone host a roast with all generations in attendance.

But we’ve got through it right? Only increasingly, as ‘woke’ faces down the old school, it seems that inviting your fam into a social bubble for dinnertime chat might make your relationship with them all go…

…Pop!

There are so many schisms – and isms

It all started with Brexit – discussions about which ruined many a family shindig – and it’s currently hanging out with #BLM and the TERFs.

The language your grown children speak is almost the polar opposite of your parents’

It seems like there’s nothing binary in the world any more. Well, unless you’re talking 5G maybe, but even that’s controversial (remember when David Icke just had an opinion on football?! Ah, those were the days).

There’s a Brave New World of hashtags, acronyms, and pronouns bringing inter-generational strife into your life. The language your grown children speak is almost the polar opposite of your parents’ take.

And whilst in the past that’s been confined to ‘ugh what do you understand?’, now the chasm is far wider and has more words. It’s embedded in misunderstandings around racism, misgendering, and sexist or political differences.

And poor old Generation X is stuck in the middle. Kinda hoping against hope that everyone can be reasonable. Yay.

It used to be easy to spot who was in the wrong

They’d usually have had one too many at the golf club do. And start bandying around the words we all knew were shameful, whilst at the same time asking the mortified (underage) waitress for a quick peck on the cheek.

These days you can fart in the wrong direction and upset someone.

In those days it would oh-so-humorously still be called being ‘politically incorrect’. Being liberal was to be applauded and there was still comedy on TV.

But at least you knew where you were. These days you can fart in the wrong direction and upset someone.

Gen X, the peacemakers?

So here we are, Gen X silvers, pleading with everyone to ‘play nicely’, as the roughhousing gets out of hand. Wondering how we handle the inevitable discussions about toppling statues, burning flags, and the need to rethink the history syllabus without giving Grandad an aneurysm and letting wrongs go unchecked.

Surely there’s some middle ground? How can we #BeKind to everyone and move forward? Indeed, can we?

If you’re concerned that your, ahem, micro-aggressions might be triggering your favourite snowflake, here’s a guide. And yes, it’s supposed to be funny. Keep your wig on. And no that’s not baldist.

How to handle the woke, without alienating the Daily Mail reader in your life:

Do…

Get a gender-neutral sign for your toilet door. Your ageing parents will be none the wiser, but your Gen Z will grudgingly appreciate this when they visit. If they visit, obviously; they have a march most weekends.

Ignore social media virtue signaling. Does it really matter that your vegan goddaughter is sharing her work with PETA online every single bloody day? If she wants to tell the world that she’s ‘being the change she wants to see’, let her. Who cares?

Try to understand white privilege. If you’re unclear (because let’s face it, you didn’t learn it at school in between canings and talk of the Empire), it describes the unseen, unconscious advantage those with white skin have. Like when you go tights shopping at John Lewis, they have a whole host of hosiery that matches your legs? And how nobody calls up the police just because you’re outside their house? That kind of thing.

Accept that for some, being a polemic is a lifestyle choice. It might not be your lifestyle choice, but there you go. It takes all sorts and 2020 is all about tolerance. Unless you’re gluten, nobody likes gluten.

Agree to be in a TikTok. Just make sure you look bougie. Like Judi.

Don’t…

Say ‘all lives matter’. Not because it’s not true, but because the point behind the Black Lives Matter campaign is that it is black people’s lives that are undervalued and under threat. It’s a lesson in human rights, not in grammatical nuance. This is their moment, not yours.

Appear on Question Time and roll your eyes. In fact eye rolling anywhere is to be avoided. If you find you need to, go into the bathroom and do it alone. You filthy frustrated beast.

Mention how incomprehensible you find Sam Smith and his, ahem their, pronouns because correct grammar was drilled into you at school. Almost literally. You’ll just open a whole another can of argh.

Plop yourself down on public transport and open your legs as wide as possible, if you identify as a man. It’s called manspreading (that phrase probably needs updating) and it’s the epitome of entitlement. As in, I’m entitled to your seat as well as mine. It means something else entirely if you don’t identify as a man though. Also avoid, probably.

Have an opinion on Twitter. Ever.

And finally, don’t @ me, because I’ve switched off commenting. I’m all for freedom of speech, unless of course, it’s directed at me.

Vanessa Holburn

The post Generation X. Mediating between the woke and the outspoke? appeared first on Silver Magazine.

Looking back, I’ve never been entirely sure why I married Carol. I think it’s probably because at the time we were both really dysfunctional, and I had this idea that maybe together we’d be greater than the sum of our parts.

I was pretty flaky in those days – as well as being an astonishingly heavy drinker I was also enthusiastically working my way through a cornucopoeia of exotic drugs most weekends, and my behaviour was erratic and unreliable. I would work a bit, then lose interest or get fired. I wasn’t exactly what you’d call ‘a catch’.

Carol was literally a con merchant. She ran various scams and cons – and when we were in our twenties, around the mid-eighties, none of the above mattered to us very much. We kind of found each other in a sea of misadventure and just connected. We were both pretty broken. And hey, it was fun for a while – so we got married.

PLANS FOR FAMILY

Once we were married it became almost an obsession of mine to have a child. Reflecting on that now, there’s no way we should have been thinking about taking care of a child – we couldn’t even take care of ourselves. But it became my primary focus – I think I thought it would be the thing that would straighten us out, make us grow up.

Carol wasn’t fussed one way or the other at the time. She basically said we could have one but I’d have to look after it because she didn’t want to. I mean, that should have told me something. But I ploughed ahead anyway.

And we were lucky. Carol got pregnant really quickly and I was thrilled. I mean, not thrilled enough to actually shape up and become more responsible, but thrilled enough to tell everyone in the pub every night how pleased I was.

By the time Nicola was born Carol pretty much hated her already

As the pregnancy wore on, she became more resentful. Said she’d been lumbered with one child already (me) and now she had another one coming and I was useless and I’d ruined her life. She was angry throughout her pregnancy. It wasn’t a great start.

It didn’t help either that the birth was really brutal, or that she nearly died giving birth to our daughter. By the time Nicola was born Carol pretty much hated her already.

HAZY BABY DAYS

If I’m really honest, I don’t remember much about Nicky’s early days. I don’t think it’s unusual for dads to find it hard to bond with tiny babies. I felt inadequate and uncertain about what to do, and I couldn’t feed her; Carol – slightly bizarrely – insisted on exclusively breast feeding. So I never got close to the baby, and life seemed for me to just be the same. I was out most nights, to avoid the rows at home about how useless I was. It was a toxic, ever-decreasing circle.

As Nicky grew up though I found myself more connected – when I was sober. And I knew without hesitation that I loved her more than I’d ever loved anything, including myself. But my lifestyle meant I wasn’t a great father in those days, and that probably explains why I missed so many of the signs that something was wrong.

Carol was abusing our daughter and it took me a while to realise it. Unexplained little bruises on her body, a gradual withdrawing of confidence, her silence around her mother…

It’s really hard to talk about this, so I’m going to be brief and matter-of-fact about it. Carol was abusing our daughter and it took me a while to realise it. Unexplained little bruises on her body, a gradual withdrawing of confidence, her silence around her mother, her resistance to being at home alone with her – one day it all just suddenly fell into place. And actually one day I caught her. She didn’t know I was there and I saw her bite our child on her arm – hard – because she wouldn’t eat her food. It’s something that will live with me forever. The worst thing was that Nicky didn’t even cry out. She just looked resigned, broken. I knew in that moment that this was not a one-off.

I am at least able to say now that this shock brought me to my senses. I realised that Carol wasn’t fit to care for Nicky and I needed to get her to somewhere safe. Almost overnight I threw in my drinking and cocaine use (which was no picnic, I can tell you) and got my shit together. I found that I was able to do it for my daughter, when all the time I hadn’t been able to do it for myself.

But I had no idea how hard the road ahead was going to be. This was the late eighties, and it was still really unusual for a man to be the primary carer. And I had to fight with everything I had – literally and figuratively – to make my child safe. I knew I had to get her away from Carol before something really bad happened.

The courts always favour the mother – even these days – and I ended up having to go through a gut-wrenching court fight, which included having to photograph my child’s injuries

I had some money in a trust from my family that I released – I had to pay my lawyer over £20,000 to fight the case, despite the overwhelming evidence that Carol was an unfit mother. And I lost everything I had. Whereas Carol got support from the state, default custody, and Legal Aid, I had basically no rights. The courts always favour the mother – even these days – and I ended up having to go through a gut-wrenching court fight, which included having to photograph my child’s injuries to prove Carol was unfit to be a parent. Why do people find it so hard to believe that women can be violent abusers too?

During that time Nicky – now seven years old – was still with her mother, and ended up bearing the brunt of her mother’s anger towards me. I secretly bought a pager so she could reach me if she needed help and told her to keep the number hidden from Carol. One night Carol was angry with her because she wouldn’t stop bouncing on the sofa and threw her out of the house, in the rain, with no shoes on. I will never forget picking her up that night, shivering and crying. How I didn’t kill Carol during those days actually is a miracle.

Eventually I won. There was never an option that I would give up, and Nicky came to live with me, I gained full custody. And social services allowed Carol supervised visitation rights. It should have felt like a victory but I had been so devastated. Both Nicky and I were on our knees, it was like we had to start from scratch.

LEARNING TO TRUST AGAIN

Once in a safe space, all the fear and anger she had pent up in her came out, and she was like a wild animal, her frustration and bitterness spilling out of her

Nicky was angry. Once in a safe space, all the fear and anger she had pent up in her came out, and she was like a wild animal, her frustration and bitterness spilling out of her like spitting logs on a hot fire. She was beside herself some days. When she used to lose herself in her anger and rage I used to just try and hold her gently, and just calm her down with calm, quiet words, keeping her safe. Just making sure I didn’t react, but taught her gentleness again. It was heart-breaking. But we got through it. Bit by bit.

There was so much that could have made this easier and one of those things would have been having the support network of other parents. But a single dad in those days was viewed with suspicion. The mums at the school gate wouldn’t talk to me, and the men were wary of me – maybe they thought I might chat up their wives. Maybe they just couldn’t relate to me – after all, most of them were out there, slaying the dragon, building careers. And I was picking up freelance work and being both mum and dad to my child. I just know I never felt more alone in my life than in those early days. It was unbelievably lonely.

…a single dad in those days was viewed with suspicion. The mums at the school gate wouldn’t talk to me, and the men were wary of me

It’s also hard not to be angry looking back. If a father had done a tenth of the things to his child that Carol did to Nicky, he’d have probably been banned from seeing her for life. It is still hard not to feel resentful about that.

But the story has a happy ending at least. Nicky has grown up and is managing okay. She has PTSD but has spent considerable time in counselling addressing that. And we are still close. She is wary of having her own kids and I can’t blame her for that. But I hope I get a chance to be a grandad, although time is passing and it seems unlikely.

On Father’s Day, give a little thought to all the dads out there who have stood up and been counted

There has been so much talk about whether dads can step up and be as good as mums when it comes to nurturing and I find that wholly patronising. Of course they can – but like everything, these things are on a case-by-case basis. Not every man will be great at this, and not every woman either, as I know only too well.

On Father’s Day, give a little thought to all the dads out there who have stood up and been counted, however tough it’s been. In the meantime I’m off down the pub – but this time not to drink myself silly and snort lines of coke off the bar – I’m having a sober Sunday lunch with my daughter, and I couldn’t be happier or more grateful about anything else in the whole wide world.

As told to Sam Harrington-Lowe
All names have been changed
If you are a father struggling for your rights check out the resources on Fathers4Justice

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The post I did everything to rescue my daughter from her abusive mother. Don’t tell me dads can’t do the job appeared first on Silver Magazine.

A recent study from the University of Glasgow published in PLOS One Journal has found that this behaviour by grandparents can have an adverse effect on their grandchildren, concerning both their diet and weight, although it’s clear that nobody means any harm.

Children, when under the care of their grandparents, consumed too many high sugar and high fat foods

The study’s lead author, Dr Stephanie Chambers, explains, “While the results of this review show that behaviour such as exposure to smoking and regularly ‘treating’ children increases cancer risks as children grow into adulthood, it is also clear from the evidence that these risks are unintentional.

“Currently grandparents are not the focus of public health messaging, and in light of the evidence from this study, perhaps this is something that needs to change given the prominent role grandparents now play in the lives of children.”

Findings showed that children, when under the care of their grandparents, consumed too many high sugar and high fat foods, took part in insufficient physical activity, and in some cases were exposed to passive smoking on a regular basis.

Changing roles means changing behaviour

Traditionally a grandparent’s accepted role has been to be the fun one. To shower their grandchildren with both love and affection, and a large dose of sugar for good measure! A weekend treat – a visit to grandparent’s house was a time to be spoilt and indulge in foods that your parents would never dream of giving you.

But times have changed.

Rising childcare costs, fears over job security, high living costs and an increase in the number of single parent families have resulted in a record number of grandparents looking after their grandchildren on a regular basis. According to a study by Grandparents Plus, 93% of families rely on grandparents for help with childcare.

93% of families rely on grandparents for help with childcare.

With grandparents taking on a secondary, and in some cases even a primary care giver role, the roles and boundaries are becoming blurred.

Expectation versus reality on both sides is an issue. With parents expecting their rules and values to be strictly adhered to and grandparents struggling with their new role as a disciplinarian, but wanting to avoid conflict or confrontation with both their own children and their grandchildren.

The National Obesity Forum also explains how today’s grandparents are “struggling with manipulative and increasingly savvy grandchildren” who know how to push their grandparents’ buttons and often throw tantrums until they get exactly what they want.

Being positive

On a more positive note the study showed that grandparents who are actively involved and present with their grandchildren improve their overall emotional wellbeing; which in today’s society where mental health issues in young people is so prevalent is of vital importance.

So how can you, as a grandparent, help contribute to keeping your grandchildren fit and healthy? Here’s five easy ways you can make a difference whilst still being their favourite granny or grandad!

1. Get them involved in preparing their meals and snacks

This will help them connect with what they are eating, help them discover new foods and make them feel trusted and more grown up. NHS Choices is a great source for tips on healthy eating specifically aimed at children.  And it’s fun to do with them. Get messy, it’s good for the soul.

2. Limit TV

Saying no to the television and other electronic devices may seem like an impossible task but if you prepare a selection of fun indoor games such as board games, hide and seek or arts and crafts, they could be persuaded to put down their beloved technology without a full on meltdown. Perhaps offer some negotiation rather than an outright ban.

3. Do not smoke inside

If you are a smoker, ideally you should try and not smoke at all when you are caring for your grandchildren. However if this is not possible, ensure you go outside to smoke away from them as passive smoking is incredibly damaging to young children.

4. Resolve to get outside for at least an hour a day

Children should be getting at least one hour of physical activity a day so make it your aim to get outside with them; the fresh air will do you and them the world of good. Alternatively find out about local playgroups in your area with Sure Start; this government funded service offers free advice, support and weekly playgroups across the U.K.

5. Get involved

The report concluded that grandparents should now be included in government advice and support campaigns for raising children as they are playing an increased and vital role in the next generation’s future. Surely this can only be a good thing for all parties involved?

Are you struggling with the childcare of your grandchildren?

Do you need financial advice on what you are entitled to as a care giver?

Does your child have unrealistic expectations of your role as a grandparent?

GrandparentPlus is a service specifically created to give a voice to grandparents across the UK and offers free and unbiased support.

Tabatha Fabray

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