Mother and daughter Jacqui Deevoy and Ruby Deevoy put holibonding to the test

Bonding holidays – or to use the ghastly term being bandied about; holibonds – are one-on-one trips, mostly for family members, who want to improve a relationship. This kind of bonding activity is on the rise, and can involve a parent and child, grandparent and grandchild, grown children and their elderly parents… you get the idea.

Perhaps fueled in part by promises made in lockdown (when this is all over, etc), travel is huge again and destined to be even huger next year. But this kind of holibonding is a new concept that’s catching on in a big way. Forming new memories, perhaps to replace the bad, by holidaying with a loved one can be the best therapy.

Jacqui on bonding holidays

“With trips like this – a 12-day bucket-list adventure to Peru with my eldest daughter Ruby – it’s the memories that are most important.

“The two nights in Lima, the five-day cruise down the Amazon, the climb up Machu Picchu were all thrilling at the time. But two months later, it’s the little things; shared moments, facial expressions, silliness, laughter, re-bonding, that have stayed with me.

“On our first day in Lima, we went for lunch at a fantastic restaurant and had the best margaritas ever. On the walk back to the hotel, we got the giggles. Then on a main avenue, we spotted a purple blossom tree shedding its petals. We ran towards it, singing Prince’s ‘Purple Rain’, then after a bit of a dance, skipped back to our hotel, still in fits of laughter. By the time we reached our room, we were nearly hysterical. It’s a special moment like this that you can’t really explain to anyone else: it’s just between the two of you and it’s yours for evermore.

“Holidaying with your children when they’re actually children is an entirely different experience to travelling with them as adults. It’d be strange if it wasn’t! And I wondered how my trip with my now grown-up first-born would pan out.

“Ruby was conceived when I was a very immature 25 after a whirlwind romance. Our first holiday together abroad was in 1989 when she was 11 months old. We flew with her dad and four friends (two child-free couples) to Barbados. What do I remember from that ten-day trip?

“Well, the flight was memorable: Ruby was an early walker and wasn’t happy about being confined to my lap for ten hours. So, in order to stop the wailing, her dad and I had to accompany her as she tottered up and down the aisle. She pooed seven times, and threw up four times during that flight.

Holidaying with your children when they’re actually children is an entirely different experience to travelling with them as adults

“I have no memories of the accommodation, the scenery or the beach. But I do remember the scent of coriander as we strolled along a dusty road, Ruby in my arms with her singing (in the way only an 11-month-old can) a song that I knew to be Lisa Stansfield’s ‘Been Around The World’…

“I remember me and her dad dragging her pushchair (with Ruby in it) across sandy beaches, unable to keep up with the two child-free and seemingly carefree couples, feeling collectively like the unpopular kid on the school trip… always left behind. I also have a memory of carrying her on my hip into the sea. Her tiny toes barely touched the water but she was petrified. I felt her pain and quickly retreated.

“Funny what sticks in your mind – even without photos.

“Our relationship during her formative years was unusual. She was a strident little girl and often scolded me. I thought it was funny at the time, but looking back, maybe I needed scolding.

“During her teens, I wasn’t there for her as much as I should have been. I had three younger children by then and saw Ruby as more adult than she was. I didn’t think she needed me as much as she probably did, and I was often distracted and didn’t watch over her the way other mothers might have watched over their teenage daughters. We never fell out, but we definitely grew apart.

“It was the same for me and my mum. She was often emotionally distant – detached even – and, whilst I’m not blaming her, as my role model, I realise now that I definitely picked up some of those traits. Nothing to be proud of, I know, but part of my history nonetheless.

I’m not fond of making excuses for my not-so-great characteristics but I like to give reasons for them.

“Earlier this year, I suggested to all four of my adult children that we go on holiday together. Three declined; Ruby said yes. As a destination, we decided on a once-in-lifetime holiday in Peru.

“The out-of-this-world trip included a visit to the lively capital city Lima, a five-day cruise down the awe-inspiring Amazon, and an exhausting but exhilarating climb up Machu Picchu. Plus two nights in high-altitude Cusco, staying in stunning hotels, eating food we’d never had before (cherimoya – Peruvian custard apples, which American writer Mark Twain called “the most delicious fruit known to men”) and crossing paths with some of the purest-souled people we’d ever met. It was truly extraordinary.

“I took a LOT of photos. What I remember most, however, is one of the moments I didn’t catch on camera. It’s not the rare and very memorable sighting of pink dolphins; it’s not meeting the curious inhabitants of residing in a village on the banks of the Amazon; neither is it the spectacular view from Machu Picchu… It’s the absolutely unforgettable memory of dancing around that blossom tree in Lima, violet petals falling softly and my beautiful, happy, adult daughter singing and laughing in the purple rain.”

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Ruby on bonding holidays

“A message popped up on my family WhatsApp group. “I want to create new memories, to replace the bad. Can we all go on a trip together?”

“It was from my mum.

“As is the case for so many parent-child relationships, we’d been through our fair share of struggles. Younger than me, my three siblings were clearly still struggling to make peace with the past. This became evident as the replies came in politely, but nonetheless painfully, rejecting our mother’s request.

“For me though, now in my mid 30s having done years of therapy and with a seven year old of my own, my perspective has shifted. Yes, there are many aspects of our relationship and my childhood that have been hard to work through. But I also see things from her side now. How incredibly difficult it must have been to have a teenager and three under-5s, while working and traversing abuse and breakups. I also see how fast life goes by, and how precious our time together is. So while the others said no, I agreed. “I’d love to!” I typed.

“Fast forward two months and we’re on a plane to a very unexpected destination. Far from our initial ideas of lounging on a deckchair in some sunny resort, we decided to grab life by the horns and go for a bucket list trip of a lifetime, to Peru.

I also see how fast life goes by… So while the others said no, I agreed. “I’d love to!” I typed.

“This was no ordinary holiday. We’d booked with Original Travel for a mind-blowing tour, down into the depths of the Amazon jungle for a luxury (but sustainable) 5-day river boat cruise, up to the Sacred Valley to stay in the foothills of the Andean mountains, and of course to see one of the Seven Wonders of the world, Machu Picchu.

“Settling down for our 11-hour flight to Lima, I made a decision, and it felt like my mum did too. We were going to have open, honest and difficult conversations, and it was all going to be ok. Challenging moments between us would arise, but we could let them wash over and past us. This journey was all about re-connection, and, as mum had suggested, making new memories to carry. And that’s exactly what we did.

“In Lima, one of Peru’s historical capitals, we wandered around exotic tree lined streets, ate amazing Peruvian chocolate, visited a local market packed with gorgeous handicrafts, and tucked in to a meal of sea bass overlooking the vast ocean, with the best mescal margarita I’ve ever tasted in hand. We flew down to the rainforest for a 5-day river cruise. We whizzed down the waterways, with trees looming on each side, birds calling and a sky above us that seemed so much bigger than any sky I’d ever seen. My mum and I beamed at each other as the wind whipped our hair and the spray splashed our faces.

“Next was Cusco, The Sacred Valley, and Machu Picchu, all featuring a drastic change in landscape and experience as we took in the 360 panorama of the towering, rugged peaks of the Andes. A visit to Ollantaytambo took us up our first Incan sun temple, in preparation for the awe-inspiring Machu Picchu, and also introduced us to the colourful life of those who lived there.

“Aptly, it was Mother’s Day in Peru, and celebrations were happening everywhere, with mothers, children, grandmothers and great grandmothers all gathering together to dance, eat and enjoy being with each other, just as my mum and I did the same.

“Landing home, it didn’t take long for life to resume as normal. Childcare duties, house upkeep and work replaced the once in a lifetime experience we had been so immersed in. But the memories are there to stay, a perfect and powerful start to putting the past to bed, and creating a connected, loving future together.”

 

We booked our tailor-made trip to Peru with Original Travel 

020 3582 4990.

Instagram: @originaltravel.

Price £8,000 based on two sharing and including return international and domestic flights, private transfers, private tours throughout and 11 nights’ accommodation (six nights B & B, one night half-board and four nights full-board onboard the Aria Amazon).

Thanks to Berghaus, Cotswold Outdoor Clothing, Marriott Hotel Heathrow, and Aqua Expeditions